Hi, I was wondering if you could revise these two essays. Thank you!
Topic of choice.
A warm air greeted me as I entered the music room. Instead of the half-empty and quiet room I first remembered it to be, it was crowded with people talking. They were all waiting for Ms. Hall, waiting to sing.
During the last day of Music Appreciation class a few weeks before, I decided to audition for chorus again. My interest in music had taken a different turn since September when the audition was forced on all the freshmen; this time, I wanted to get in. The piano began to play, and gradually climbed up the scale.
"Easy there, don't push yourself," Ms. Hall said. My voice shook slightly on the last high note and I felt exhilarated for a moment from the tension it created. As the notes moved down, the tension lessened and my voice moved more confidently than before. When the audition was over, Ms. Hall scribbled something on a piece of paper before looking up, "This will be a four-year commitment, quitting halfway is frowned upon. Do you still wish to join?" After a moment's pause, I hastily replied, "Ye-yes, I do."
It was 4 PM in the afternoon and I stood on stage, squeezed in between the other choristers. The smell of sweat was heavy and the people around me talked nonstop about their day. I struggled to keep myself standing.
"I have three tests tomorrow!" Someone behind me complained.
"QUIET DOWN!" My section leader suddenly roared right beside me.
The auditorium became silent as Ms. Hall sat down at the podium. I looked at her with relief and concentrated on her baton. She smiled brightly at us, "Haha! Let's begin!" I was taken away from the matters of that day as the piano played. Mistakes we made, yet emotions we perfected. The shell mattered little as I searched for the heart of the song. It was what I looked forward to in every rehearsal. We were like eagles that soared high to catch the drift, hoping to fly effortlessly with emotion.
However, my gripe with singing was that my voice was weak. If I sang for too long, my voice would be hoarse for the week. It prevented me from taking on solos and becoming a section leader. This took some fun out of chorus for me and sometimes discouraged me. But it wasn't enough to keep me from singing. After I joined chorus, singing had become more than entertaining the audience; it had become an emotional experience that satisfied a deeper part of me.
"Did you know that in college, my teacher said my voice was too small and not fit for opera?" Ms. Hall said to the chorus during one of her digressions, "Well now I sing in Grand Opera!" I was surprised by her words. I always thought that Ms. Hall was born a singer. However, what she said gave me hope. Hope that I could find my real voice just as she found hers.
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. In your essay please address how the ILR curriculum will help you fulfill these interests and your long-term goals.
"So does the end truly justify the means?" My global studies teacher stood up and pointed to the question on the board. She had just finished giving us the facts on the total destruction policy used by the Mongols.
Our discussion began and ended but no definite conclusions were reached. However, that was the enjoyable part, the part where each of us decided which choice was better. I was fascinated because people react to these decisions like falling domino pieces; the decision of a leader will affect the decision of the people to the last man.
The summer after junior year, I began to look for internships related to my interests. A person from church suggested his workplace, the New York District Office of the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.
I was interviewed by the supervisor of the investigation unit and accepted as an intern at the EEOC. The work environment there was unexpectedly peaceful. I would sometimes sit in a cubicle for an hour just immersing myself in a lengthy case file and writing up a statement of intent for the plaintiff. It was unlike the fast-paced Manhattan work environment that I imagined it to be.
"This case looks interesting, maybe it'll have the potential to go to court," I showed the file to my boss.
"Your job as an investigator is to be objective and to find facts, don't take any sides," my boss said after she looked it over.
"Oh..." I was surprised at how I was easily swayed by the file. Afterwards, I constantly reminded myself of what she said as I worked.
"Hey, why don't you try working on a project?" My boss suggested. A few moments later, I was handed a large folder. "Here, just read it for today."
I felt overwhelmed by the amount of arguments and counterarguments in the folder. Compared to the other cases, this case was far more complex. After a few hours of skimming, I had to call it a day. Even though this case's decision only affected one company and one person, I already felt my head spinning from the attempt to grasp the situation. My interest was piqued by the case because its complexity was on a smaller scale than that of the total destruction policy, and I was actually able to investigate and affect the outcome of the case because of that. Delving deeper into the issues of the workplace, I felt motivated to become more than just a spectator to the falling of the domino pieces. I wanted to influence the way they fall
I am applying to ILR because of this motivation and with a hope that I can help improve the workplace. I see the curriculum as an active force that can broaden my perspective in decision making and develop my intellectual thinking. Whether I study the effects that mentoring and job assignments have on leadership development or learn how to set up procedures to minimize discrimination, the courses ILR offers will give me practical insight into the social sciences, a field that I feel most comfortable with and passionate about.
You are an excellent writer! I have only a few editing suggestions for you:
I felt you needed some type of transition here:
"Ye-yes, I do."
It was 4 PM in the afternoon [and say either "It was 4:00 p.m." or "It was four in the afternoon"; 4 pm in the afternoon is redundant]. It was unclear at first that the 4:00 action took place on a different day.
"Hey, why don't you try working on a project?" my boss suggested.
I felt overwhelmed by the number of arguments and counterarguments in the folder. [Things which can be counted use "number"; things which cannot use "amount."]
I wanted to influence the way they fall. [missing period.]
In this type of essay, it would be better to use words to show the time gap, rather trying to do it with spaces or stars. For instance, something like "Three months later, at four o'clock on an autumn afternoon ..."