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'the Grand Prix at Prospect Park' - extracurricular activity

silentspring 12 / 58  
Jan 7, 2012   #1
Prompt: write about an extracurricular activity that has been especially meaningful to you (Eg. b/c of personal growth, ability to assume responsibility)
Please edit and help expand

Before the start of the Grand Prix at Prospect Park, my coach asked me, "what's your goal for this race?"
"To get another medal." I replied.

At 4:30, a hundred and fifty runners held their breath and awaited the pistol. With a bang, the silence broke and the I leaped forward. Suddenly, someone behind ran into me and the back of my spike came off. I stopped running and bent down. Using my right hand, I pulled the back of my spike. But because of the tightness of my spike, my right hand failed to pull it back on. Seeing the horde of runners disappearing from my horizon, adrenaline gushed through my blood and sent my heart rumbling. "It is impossible for me to get a medal now." I mumbled under my rapid breath. Finally, using both hands, I pulled my spike the back of my spike back on. To catch up to the major horde of runners, I sprinted for over fifteen seconds.

By the time I caught back up, my legs and arms were feeling heavy and tight. "You can't slow down" I said to myself.

At the end of the first third of the course, an official standing in the grass field shouted out that I was twenty-fifth. "All right, just pass ten more people and you will get your medal." I told myself. Using the hills as my advantage, I accelerated up the hill and ran down without holding back. One by one, by the second half of the course, I was twentieth. "Just five more people" I told myself again.

At the moment, I could see four runners about two hundred meters ahead of me. Locking my eye on their back, I took deeper breaths and steadily increased my speed. Gradually, I caught up to the four runners who were running in packs. Noticing that I had just outran them, they sped up, trying to regain their position. Though I was struggled to suck air through my prickling throat, I ran faster in order to raze their moral.

After leaving those four runners before me. Slowly, I caught up to the 15th runner. However, we were in a stalemate; whenever I tried to pass him, he sprinted. A few minutes later, we were at the turn of a tree. There, I heard people yelling and cheering for him. "Don't let him pass you! William" One of them screamed.

The thundering cheer made him run faster. To keep up with him, I pretended as if the people were cheering for me.

Only eight hundred-meter left. I could do this! For the first time, I ran pass him. But he was hounding me. After I endured the lead for another four hundred meters, the voice that I had been suppressing revived and told me to give up and submit to pain. No, I am almost there. Just four hundred-meters. If I give up at this point. All my hardwork will be for nothing. While I was wandering in my mind, the sound of the my opponent's breath, the landing of his spike grew louder and louder.

"Ahhhhhhhh" I yelled out. I swung my arms and bit my teeth. The world seemed at suspense and I only found myself. With one thought in mind, I sprinted all the way to the finish line and grabbed the last medal.

While I was putting my hands on their knees and gasping for air. I was proud that I had proved to myself that I can accomplish my goal through small steps and determination. I hold dear to this experience because it will guide me through the future obstacles that lay ahead of my life.
Nana12 3 / 12  
Jan 7, 2012   #2
I like this essay it tells a story. However, you need to explain how this activity helped shape your life. You could include bits and pieces of the race, to use as a visual for the reader, but you must remember to thoroughly answer the prompt. Include how this activity has shaped your life, for example your unrelenting, determined, etc. I would also like to see a stronger conclusion. Your essay has the potential to be great, but you need to expand on this activity and how it has influenced your character and contributions to your community. Good luck ! (:
OP silentspring 12 / 58  
Jan 7, 2012   #3
How can I make the conclusion stronger?
Nana12 3 / 12  
Jan 7, 2012   #4
Sum up all the ways this activity has shaped the individual you are today. I like the way you did the conclusion, but you need to add more details. However, for you to be able to do that you need to be more detailed in your essay about the different ways this sport has been meaningful to your life and developments. I like that you tell a story, but your entire essay can't just be that story because, your leaving out all the influence this has had in your life. For example, you pushed through exhaustion during the race and won, but think about all the physical preparation that you have endured to dedicate your time to running. How it has given you time management: balancing practice, family, and school responsibilities. In addition it has probably given you discipline, to know what your priorities are. These are just examples, but make the essay connect to you personally. I hope this helps.

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