Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3


'Grandma's forte' - UC 1: Family's Influence on Business


madluck 2 / 2  
Nov 23, 2012   #1
Hello you guys. I had difficulty with this essay because of second part of the prompt: "tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

Does my essay adequately answer the two questions in the prompt? Is it clear?
Any feedback very much appreciated.
And another question, do both of the UC personal statements have to amount up to exactly 1000 words? My other essay is 291 words and this one is 632. 923 words in all for both essays.

Thanks.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My grandmother is an amazing lady and I have not had the chance to spend time or learn from her in a while. What makes me proud of my grandmother? My grandmother lost a child who would have been my uncle. While mourning for her son, my grandmother was still able to earn the money that allowed her family to escape Communist Cambodia; Grandma practically saved the whole family from perishing. Shortly after settling in California, Grandma opened a sewing machine factory, despite not knowing any English, that aided her family financially; the money received from the factory helped her move her seven person family from a miniscule one story house to a grand two story house. How do I make my grandmother proud of me to make up for all the lost time I could have had with her?

Business is Grandma's forte and her ability in that field is supported by her flexibility and drive to do well in life all the while keeping her family values, which is true to all dragons. All of Grandma's children, my father and my cousins' mother and fathers, are entrepreneurs. Business seems to run in the family veins, but the problem is that her children are not doing so well in their businesses. I have known for a while now too; it is even more evident since my mother has been complaining how difficult it is to pay the house and the restaurant bills with little income. It worries me. I know Grandma had to take some risks, and those risks were to help the family as a whole.

The economy makes it difficult for my own parents to manage their Chinese fast food restaurant. With the little money my parents earn, my mother wants to spend the money to advertise and even add new additions to the restaurant, which is not economically viable as I have stressed it to her many times. Mom does not think I know enough about the business world to make great suggestions. Grandma knows of my family's economic troubles and constantly offers my parents her assistance, but, of course, my parents decline her offer. I am not sure if my parents' pride will be hurt in accepting the help or if it is the Chinese ethics that keep them taking Grandma's offer.

Nonetheless, as people we should be able to accept help when we really need it.

My parents always tell my brothers and me to study hard and be successful in school so that we do not have a life like theirs. My parents work twelve hours each day seven days a week, come home at ten o' clock every night, and the only holiday they close on is Christmas. I have a strong feeling that my parents do not know how to manage their own business very well, but then again they were deprived of any education and experience upon setting foot in this country. They tell us to go to college and come out successful, that alone will make them proud. Being the oldest, I feel obligated to achieve that goal for them, my grandma, and myself.

My parents' lack of success in their business has piqued my interest in the business field. How is it that my parents are unsuccessful at their business whereas Grandma has received a great amount of success? The mechanics and technicalities behind a successful business is what want to know. Business relies on techniques, connections, and customers. All the times I did not spend with my grandmother should be made up in the form of achievements that will make Grandma proud. I will help out the family in any way I can with the knowledge I have earned and my position as the first born in the family.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Nov 24, 2012   #2
1. don't bump.
"And another question, do both of the UC personal statements have to amount up to exactly 1000 words", no, just max is 1000.
overall comment, I like your story, the world your present, but I do see your difficulty in answering the last part of the prompt. you do mention that you want to study business, and that you have tried to interject with your parents your ideas about running the business, but make that vein clearer, a stronger parallel in your essay. that will also show the development of how this world shaped your dreams. Regarding aspirations, what are your aspirations.. Think about it for a while. Why really are you studying? why business? is it because of a sense of regret, of community pride, or even of wanting to help other people? Good luck, madluck.

I find the first question you pose, about why you are proud of your grandmother appropriate, but I'm confused about the tone of the second:

"How do I make my grandmother proud of me to make up for all the lost time I could have had with her?"

The paragraph about "The economy makes it difficult for my own..." is strange, it shows you're trying to act up, and talk to you parents about something you see about their business.. but I actually like it... good job.

I like this too: "My parents' lack of success in their business has piqued my interest in the business field."
edit: is what I want to know.

Regarding the closing of your essay, "All the times I did not spend with my grandmother should be made up in the form of achievements that will make Grandma proud. I will help out the family in any way I can with the knowledge I have earned and my position as the first born in the family." I can clearly see your world, and the beginning of your conclusion is strong, but these last two sentences are lacking something. I get the notion that you have regrets of not talking to your grandmother more, which you don't bring to a positive light. "the knowledge I have earned" sounds off to me.
busybee 4 / 14 2  
Nov 24, 2012   #3
Perhaps it should read 'the knowledge I will gain"

I, too do not understand part about regretting no spending more time with grandma. Try the essay without it, and see if it flows better?

Another suggestion, trump up the bits about family honour, and other asian values, to set yourself apart so your readers know your background.


Home / Undergraduate / 'Grandma's forte' - UC 1: Family's Influence on Business
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳