Hi, I wrote a college application essay but I need help making it better. Please give me comments on things you believe need fixing.
Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Incidents can occur in anyone's daily life that can cause a person to change and open their eyes into a different perspective of things. But when a particular event occurs to someone you've always loved, it not only affects you and your family but transforms your mentality for the rest of your life.
As a child, my most prominent memories consisted of spending most afternoons at my grandparent's house. Since my parents were both working until late afternoons, I was always under the care of the two adults second closest to me, my grandparents. I enjoyed being at their house and always hoped to come back the next day. While staying at their house, I remember it being fun and games for the time I was there. If we weren't playing catch with a ball or being competitive with board games, we would be watching TV or cooking together. But suddenly, it all changed when I was about six years old. Instead of going to my grandparent's house after school, my parents hired a babysitter to take care of me at home. I remember asking my parents several times why I couldn't go to my grandparent's house anymore. All they would tell me was that my grandmother was sick and couldn't play with me as much anymore. I had grown up to that idea without knowing the real reason and wondering what was wrong with my grandmother. As I grew older, my parents slowly revealed the truth to me, little by little. It didn't take long before I could piece everything together: my grandma's health was slowly deteriorating due to breast cancer.
My heart sunk with a cold feeling as I thought of the chances to lose the woman that helped raise me into what I was now. I didn't let it bring me down and instead, became supportive of her. She hated the feeling of people feeling sorrow for her so I never looked at her differently. She went to the hospital constantly for her treatments and in hope to hear better news, unfortunately, that was never the case. My grandma grew weaker as time passed by but her determination to fight her disease everyday never changed. She went through the day doing her usual hobbies with a positive attitude and a hopeful smile that even now, I can still remember. When I would visit my grandma I felt a need to help her out in any way possible with anything that she would do. She would always stop me before I could even try to and tell me that she could do it by herself. I admired those small actions and became stronger with the sense of wanting to be more like her.
Courage and constantly striving are the traces of her strong personality that I most prize. I have never before seen such a strong woman fighting for another morning and embracing each day like no other. My grandma was a wonderful woman and when she passed away eight years after being first diagnosed with breast cancer, she was deeply missed by her supportive family and the people and friends who she came across with. I admire my grandma for her constant fight and for giving me the strength and idea to look upon my failures as new chances to strive for more.
As a child, my most prominent memories consisted of spending most afternoons at my grandparents' house.
My heart sunk with a cold feeling as I thought of the chances of losing the woman that helped raise me into what I was now
Courage and constantly striving are the traces of her strong personality that I most prize. <---one of them is a noun and the other an action, maybe revise?
Very touching and inspirational :)
You've definitely written an excellent essay. There's only a few small things I would fix.
"...for giving me the strength and idea to look upon my failures..." I understand what your getting at, but the wording is a little bit awkward. Perhaps you could try another word in place of "idea" ?
"...open their eyes into a different perspective..." Maybe "to" would fit better than "into" ?
The best of luck as you apply to college. Take care,
Madison
