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"my grandpa's journey" - significant experience, my college admission essay


jamesmai92 1 / 1  
Nov 17, 2009   #1
James Mai

Evaluate a significant experience

Many experiences have shaped my tender life, and yet none is as pivotal as losing someone who was really close to me. A loss of a love one enabled me to see the world in a different perspective, making me better understand the fragility of life, but also the triumph of love. As I reminisce the passing of this most beloved individual, I can still feel my heart pounding with warmth and emotions. He is my late grandpa, a 78 year old immigrant from China who had sacrificed all he had to give me a better life in America.

It was March, 2004 when my Grandpa had his first asthma attack. That same night, the ambulance came in a matter of minutes. At the moment they arrived there was an aura of anxiety within me. I felt as if the whole situation was a nightmare, and no matter how hard I tried to deny the fact; reality would always be reality. There was nothing I could do but to stand by my grandpa. Deep inside I felt the sorrow seeing my grandpa struggling for his survival. It was as if his life was depending on me because I was the only connection between the medics and my family. I was only in the third grade then and my English was limited but I felt as if that barrier was non-existent as I was striving to save my grandpa's life. After hours of waiting, good news was brought to my family. The doctor claimed that it wasn't anything serious; however we all knew something was seriously wrong. After that night, I never saw my grandpa again. I realized something was being hidden from me; every night I would hear my grandma crying herself to sleep. After a couple of days I finally found out about my grandpa's situation, it wasn't easy to accept the fact that his life was coming to an end.

On a cloudy April night in 2004, I was awakened by a noise down in the basement. It was two in the morning. But as I was walking downstairs, I saw the gathering of all my family members, including all my uncles and aunts. Tears were running down everyone's eyes but not a sound was heard except for the uncontrollable cacophony of weeping. I sensed that something bad was going to happen and it was related to my grandpa in the hospital. Suddenly, a cell phone bludgeoned the numbing silence; it was from the hospital. Within seconds, everybody, especially my grandma, burst into tears. At that moment, I wasn't sure what was going on, until my aunt approached me.

Even nowadays, I'm still unable to repeat exactly what she said. The moment she approached me, my heart began to beat faster and faster and sweats were coming out of my hands. I immediately covered my ear and attempted to run away but was nonetheless stopped. My aunt held my hand tight and mumbled something before she again burst into tears. An hour later, we arrived at the hospital. Each step I took, it felt heavier and heavier. A part of me was already dead; all I saw was the image of me and my grandpa floating through my mind. As I approached my grandpa's room, I saw his body lying on the bed struggling to take in his last breath. I never would have believed this day actually came. I was devastated by the scenery. When I held him by his hand and watched him breathe his last breath, I felt as if it was the hardest thing I had ever faced in my life. I tried to hold my tears but I couldn't; in a matter of minutes my entire face were covered with tears. Never in my life had I cried so much. Closing my eyes in bed that night, I replayed the events of that night in my head. Slowly, my eyes began to tear. I never really understood the word heartache until that one night. The reason it's called heartache is because it really is a physical pain in the heart. Seeing him passed away wasn't even the hardest thing, I found out later that living without him was much harder.

His death has taught me a lot. It made me understood the reality of this world and taught me how to appreciate what's in front of us because once its gone, it'll be to late to regret. Even though my grandpa's journey has ended; his memory and lecture will always be with me as I grow up. His love for me and my memories of him will forever reside in my heart, always appreciated and never be forgotten.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Nov 17, 2009   #2
It was March, 2004 when my Grandpa had his first asthma attack

I was only in the third grade then

^So if this was 5 years ago, and you were in the third grade, then it would be logical to deduce that you are in the 8th grade now. Is this really the case? If so, it is a bit early to consider College admission essays.

Tears were running down everyone's eyes but not a sound was heard except for the uncontrollable cacophony of weeping.

^Cacophony implies that it was a lot of heavy and unpleasant sounds. It is the incorrect word to use in this sentence, given the context and the dramatic effect that you are attempting to create.

Your essay is very unclear. There is a spoiler in your essay, in your first few sentences.

Furthermore, you do not recreate the scenes vividly, so this does not suggest why this was a significant experience and what makes it significant to you.

Your grammar needs considerable revision. You use semicolons unnecessarily.
Your essay is quite weak as it stands. The writing style and grammar fail to support the content and your point of view, which in effect, makes this an ineffective essay.
OP jamesmai92 1 / 1  
Nov 17, 2009   #3
i meant 2000 i got the date mixed up with my grandpa from my mom's side my bad
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 19, 2009   #4
The process of coping wit h his death has taught me a lot. It made me understood the reality of this world and taught me how to appreciate what is in front of us -- because once its gone, it will be too late. regret .

You can't say "too late to regret."

The loss of a love one enabled me to see ...


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