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"grassroots leader" - commonapp 150 word extracurricular


helloworld1 3 / 12  
Dec 31, 2010   #1
Hey guys I'm quite bad at doing this pls help!! THANKS IN ADVANCE(:

I ran for my neighborhood's Youth Executive Committee (YEC) for a change - to escape the cocoon of sheltered school life and to contribute to my residential district. Together with other passionate members, we brought high school students to nursing homes, planned celebrations for mid-autumn festivals, and also organized policy forums to connect members of parliament with the community. These years of being a grassroots leader has not only broadened my worldview, but has also allowed me to form lasting friendships. After resolving numerous conflicts, working on 100-pages proposals and convincing different ministries, I learnt to collaborate better with my team members who were from all walks of life. Interacting with the elderly also taught me how to appreciate the smallest things, and they helped me see that success is about finding inner peace and purpose. Alongside my new friends, I realized that the more I give in life, the more I will gain.

asolayman 3 / 11  
Dec 31, 2010   #2
learned*

the small* things

i like it, good flow, really nice
OP helloworld1 3 / 12  
Dec 31, 2010   #3
hey thanks! anyone else wanna help? i'l return the favor (:

criticisms are good too.. isit too impersonal?
moealrob 3 / 13  
Dec 31, 2010   #4
The tone was pretty good, you gave it a good atmosphere. Thanks for checking my essay
MoonCl0ud 3 / 9  
Dec 31, 2010   #5
You might want to mention what kind of ministries (unless you dealt with all kinds).
Also, I'm a little unsure about your usage ''for a change'' -- do you mean it as in you want to make a change or in the idiomatic expression, ''i decided to try a new restaurant for a change''?

Maybe elaborate a little more about the elderly teaching you. Was there a specific topic on success that you talked to them about?
Hm, I'm not quite sure about my comment for this, but your first sentence where you say you ran for YEC, maybe you should just state you participated in YEC, otherwise it seems as though you were about to talk about your process of getting into YEC.
sina 3 / 6  
Dec 31, 2010   #6
I consider it's a nice experience for this topic, but you need other paragraphs too;Some sentences don't have a sufficient connection to the others.I think you can write it more fluent.


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