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Great city/ Wide range of studies/ College experience; WHY NYU?


ticklelisaelmo 8 / 42 3  
Dec 30, 2012   #1
I chose the New York City campus because it is an opportunity to learn more about the great city that I've lived in my entire life. I know that this campus can offer me a wide range of studies (from law to the arts) and an unforgettable college experience. What I love about the New York City campus is that it is in an urban setting, unlike many other universities. Being able to study in one the greatest universities in the world in the greatest city of the world is an opportunity I am willing to take. The benefit of having New York City as a university home makes me confident that this campus will offer me a unique experience and great potential as a college student.

mayfl0wer 6 / 48  
Dec 30, 2012   #2
A bit cliche. You talked about the big city and all it has to offer but you can really replace it with Toronto or Hong Kong and it would still work.

Be more specific.
sarahjackson123 1 / 4  
Dec 30, 2012   #3
Nice essay, but it needs a spark. Personalize it- maybe throw in an anecdote.
nounoub21 3 / 11 1  
Dec 30, 2012   #4
i agree! be more specific in what you are saying to show that you have researched about the NYU campus.. be personal

can you please look at mine too! anyone please!!
nayelojello 5 / 37 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #5
honestly everyone that is applying to NYU write about the big city and about diversity, I think that you need to stand out more and personalize.
OP ticklelisaelmo 8 / 42 3  
Dec 30, 2012   #6
It's a perfect summer day and I am visiting the Empire State Building for the first time. As I look down, I see waves of people walking down the streets of New York City and I realize how fortunate I am to live in such a great city. Although New York City has been my home my entire life, I feel as if I am surrounded by new people, sounds and lights. Although this new surrounding is only a borough away from my home, it is still New York City. From the quiet neighborhood in Dyker Heights to the busy streets of Manhattan, New York City is filled with new environments. I chose the New York City campus because of the variety New York City provides me with. I know that this campus can offer me a wide range of studies, just like its city offers me an extensive array of ambiance. Furthermore, the benefit of having New York City as a university home makes me confident that this campus will offer me an unforgettable experience and great potential as a college student.

EDITED! kinda switched it all up this time. please give me suggestions! :) thanks
Udensi 3 / 7  
Dec 30, 2012   #7
The beginning of this is really spectacular and its good the way u made the reader picture what it is like to u,,,towards the end u weakened ur point.try to keep the reader excited till the end of the paper
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 30, 2012   #8
Hi there,

"Although New York City has been my home my entire life, I feel as if I am surrounded by new people, sounds and lights. Although this new surrounding is only a borough away from my home, it is still New York City. " <-- You used although twice as the beginning of a sentence. In a piece so short, it's really important to vary sentence structure.

Also agreed with Udensi. I think the problem is that you are using connecting words like "furthermore, although". These words slow down the essay when in actuality you want to keep up the pace to maintain excitement.

Could you please look at my common app essay?
kabal 9 / 61  
Dec 30, 2012   #9
Nice essay. makes me want to leave Chicago.
Tobe me looks like you are going to NY just because of its surroundings. which is ok, but i think you covered that with the beautiful description of NY in the first 3 lines .

What else is there apart from the surroundings. Whats the campus like: structure, faculty, etc
Overall. great essay.
umecollege 2 / 17 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #10
I think this is a great essay for advertising the New York City itself rather than NYU.. You should talk more of the inside and the features of the campus rather than the surrounding environment. Because I remember my essay critiquing me for writing about the amazing restraunts that are near the university, rather than its own unique feature. Just my own thoughts :)

Also could you read mine ?
valeriadavila01 9 / 17 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #11
Thank you for reading my essay!! :)
I like the amount of detail and voice you have in your essay! The only thing I would say is, try to talk more about the actual campus and not just the city..make it different (the people, the landmarks...)

Also, you kind of jump when you talk about the campus environment the whole time, and then say it will "offer me range of studies, in which I will obtain well-roundedness as a college student and a person." First off, how will it do so? Don't just focus on the surroundings; do a bit of research and find out that one other thing that makes it special!

Hope I helped!
Good luck!
aks1 1 / 12  
Dec 30, 2012   #12
that is a lot better and to the point, good job! i know it says 'why NYU New York' but talk about some programs u might be interested in.
Colombiankid94 1 / 4 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #13
Really good stuff you got there; hard to help you because I think its really good. the only thing i guess i could say is how you stated how you knew NY your hole life, but your making it sound like you just visited the empire state for the first time. I would change it to like "at the beginning of every summer, i would go up to the empire state building, and i would be reminded how great of a city i live in becouse of all the new lights and people I see each year"... something along those lines. BTW thanks for review.
dssauber 1 / 1  
Dec 30, 2012   #14
I like it! I would just recommend to include a little more information specific to the university itself, but I think you got your point across fairly well, and gave it a nicely personal touch.
HarvardAccept - / 57 24  
Dec 30, 2012   #15
Why NYU not why NYC. Mention some NYC but mostly NYU. What makes you want to go to the NY Campus? Describe more of the university itself.
OP ticklelisaelmo 8 / 42 3  
Dec 30, 2012   #16
Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I notice a lot of it tells me to talk about the university. But, I'm having trouble with the limit. I don't want to cut back on the NYC part but I know I didn't talk too much about the university. If I mentioned the university programs and such in the other supplement questions, is that OK?
tess94 1 / 4  
Dec 30, 2012   #17
That's what I did.
I used the first supplemental essay to discuss why I wanted to attend NYU in New York over Abu Dhabi or Shanghai (and basically talked about how the school's location will benefit me), and used the second to talk about the programs I wanted to participate in.
OP ticklelisaelmo 8 / 42 3  
Dec 31, 2012   #18
Thanks tess! yup, thats exactly what I did. Thanks a whole bunch for letting me know!
Karla281995 6 / 15 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #19
Dude I can see where this would be hard. You and I took the same approach regarding the poetic technique

Take out the contraction. Edit ALL of your essays and make sure there isn't a single one. They're easy to miss!

From the quiet neighborhood of Dyker Heights to the busy streets of Manhattan, New York City has proven to me to be the epitome of diversity.

You can probably take all of this out

Just like the city offers me an extensive array of ambiance, the New York City campus can offer me a wide range of studies, in which I will obtain well-roundedness as a college student and a person.

This sentence is perfect but I guess elaborate more on WHY the NYC campus of NYU is perfect for you. because just like the NYC campus the Shanghai one AND the Abu Dhabi both provide a wide range of studies. Also, I don't like the end about being a well rounded student and person. It's like you said whatever just to end it. Put your major in it and say something like, I will learn best in the atmosphere I'm most comfortable in and the (insert major) program is one that will flourish at NYU because of the opportunities and technology here. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Say it better of course haha

Can you help me shorten mine??


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