Hello, this essay is currently 500 words, but it needs to be shortened to 400. Also, does the content seem sincere? This is a true story and it is for my UC Berkeley application essay. All help is appreciated!
PROMPT: Describe the world you come from, and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Diligently writing Kanji-Japanese characters-I thought my teacher was joking when she abruptly began to pray. However, after hearing the Kumiko-san, our school principal, scream "get under your desks!" the ensuing chaos confirmed the urgency of the situation. Students flooded from their classes, ignoring the screams of teachers who told them to stay under their desks. Once outside, unnatural shifts in the ground as well as the explosions of buildings in the distance made me feel as though the world was truly ending. School buildings and apartment complexes throughout my city, were utterly destroyed. On the news tsunamis rose to record heights of over 100 feet, and nuclear factories experienced catastrophic meltdowns.
This was Japan on March 11th, 2011.
So we sought refuge in America. Returning from a decade of living in Japan, I felt as though my passport was the only proof of my American citizenship. Soon, I adjusted to my life in America and the reason I was there became just a memory. Spending time with friends who lived in large houses with fancy pools eventually led me to be embarrassed by my families low income. However, one day, after talking with one of my childhood friends in Japan, I was reminded of the earthquake. Of the children who are right now, orphans. Of the parents who right now, wake up everyday without their kids. Of the thousands dead and the countless crippled. I realized in shame, that although I did not have as much as those around me, I solely compared myself with those who had much than with those who lost much. This realization has helped reinforce a powerful principle for me: that we are always given more than we realize.
A motivation arose within me, one that inspired me to help those in need-people who live in poverty and pain. This led me to strive for and eventually become president of a non-charity organization known as Christ In Today, which has financially supported various minority groups across China. However, as I move on to college I hope to pursue a career where I will be allowed to further provide monetary and social help to the destitute. My utmost desire would be to make a difference in the lives of those who need it most, all while providing that which I have been gracefully bestowed: a thankful heart. Although many people tell me that my aspirations for a lifestyle dictated by the needs of others lack comfort and wealth, I believe that it is a cause worth living for, and no amount of doubt will change that.
Although the "Great East Japan Earthquake" has given the country of Japan much pain, personally, I know that if I had not experienced the earthquake, then I would be a very different person than I am today. Thus, it is because of the most disastrous event in the history of Japan that I have been given the most wonderful gift known to man: a desire to change the lives of those who need it most.
Jay, I agree with Sakshi, while the depiction of the earthquake is exactly the kind of hook that will keep the reviewer glued to the rest of your essay, it is also the main reason that you are over the word count. I would suggest that instead of depicting the earthquake and its aftermath in great detail, you just make mention of it and then move on to the next topic, developing a new, more important paragraph in the process.
I think you should first introduce the reasons that you were residing in Japan. the reason why you were in Japan during the quake/tsunami is not really clear. Was your father diplomat assigned to Japan? Was he there for business or something? We need to know why you would spend 10 years of your life in Japan and then come back to the U.S. as a stranger. That is the information that can also effectively reel in the reviewer at the beginning of the essay. It actually brings your essay more into focus.
By the way, if the earthquake experience motivated you to help people who are suffering from pain and loss, why did you end up helpi9ng China instead of Japan with your volunteer work? It just seems more logical that since Japan was the reason you began to consider becoming a better person, that your first act of charity would benefit the country that inspired it. The latter part of your essay that closes the essay is short but sweet, making it highly effective as a conclusion.
Please note the questions and suggestions that I made for your essay. I believe that if you address those parts, the essay will go down in word count and also become more informative in relation to the prompt statement. I hope to read your revision soon :-)
Jay, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.
1st paragraph
- distance made me feel as though the world was truly endingworld is going to end .
- School buildings and apartment complexesBuildings throughout mythe city, were utterly destroyed.
- On the newsT sunamis rose to record heights of over 100 feet,
2nd paragraph
- Soon, I adjusted to my life in America
3rd paragraph
- A motivation arose within me, one that inspired me to help those in need- people who live in poverty and pain inspired me .
Final paragraph
- then I would be a very different person than I am today.
- Thus, it is because of the most disastrous event in the history of Japan
- that I have been given the most wonderful gift known to man:
- a desire to change the lives of those who need it the most.
Indeed, very heart warming and true to the facts essay you have there Jay.
I made a few corrections that can hopefully enhance your essay and ultimately, to decrease the word count.
