Final draft of the University of California Prompt #1
please critique as harshly as possible. i already know the first paragraph is kinda choppy, i was limited with my word count. please and thank you! =D
My family is my world, and they have inspired me to pursue a degree in higher education. I am an only child, born to a single mother. My mother, is well... my mother. We have the coolest mother-daughter relationship that I have ever known. She has always been there for me when I needed her. I have watched her struggle to maintain a full time job, handle health issues, and pursue an R.N. degree at a local community college. Through her struggles I have learned to be strong, especially through the toughest of times.
My father abandoned me before I was born, but my mother's family quickly stepped in to fill his place. My grandmother is like a second mother. She makes sure I'm on top of everything and is always there for me as well. My aunt and uncle are Stanford graduates. They are my personal tutors and college guidance counselors.
If it weren't for my family, I do not know if I would be dreaming as big, or aiming as high. But my dreams and aspirations are not only inspired by my family, they are also inspired by something much greater than I could have ever imagined. My inspiration is two small words with more meanings than a dictionary: incurable disease.
This year, more than 1.5 million people will be diagnosed with cancer and more than 450,000 with Alzheimer's. For my family, we know these statistics all too well. On February 15th of this year, my great-grandmother succumbed to Alzheimer's after years of struggling with the disease. In the days leading up to her passing, she suffered from hallucinations, was unable to eat, and was so disoriented that she was unable to communicate on her 94th birthday.
This really hit me hard and got me thinking about the history of health problems and cancer in my family. I want to prevent other families from having to go through what my family did watching my great-grandmother suffer. This experience has inspired my dream to become a biomedical engineer and to strive to create treatments to slow down the progression of incurable diseases. Furthermore, I dream to one day be a part of the biomedical team that discovers a cure for the cancers that have taken so many lives.
The world of my family has taught me everything it can, and now it is time to venture beyond the world of my family and into the new world of college where I can reach for and achieve my dreams.
I feel that this was written really well. I kind of get the feeling that you talk a little too much about your family in the first paragraph. For example, I'm not sure if it is necessary to say that your parents have engineering degrees from Stanford. As long as you mention the fact that they help you with your homework, that is good enough in my opinion. Other than that, you sound just like me as I also want to pursue bioengineering/biotechnology.
Btw do you think you can help review my essay, which is also about a disease. I'm not very sure how to engage my audience and make it more interesting. Just click on my username and you should find it there under Prompt 1.... Thanks!
btw thanks for the critiques! i talk about my family because my family is my world.
and yea, i guess the engineering degree thing is a bit much. i will edit that out.
thank you! =D
born to [in]
she is always there for me when I need her even through the toughest of times <toughest of times is included in always there, yea?>
graduated from Stanford with engineering degrees <why include this?>[Both graduates from Stanford, they help me whenever I ask.]
with my homework when I need it <something more? or just homework>
not only inspired by my family, they were <save some words?>
My inspiration is two small words with more definitions than a dictionary, incurable disease.<This inspiration...a dictionary: incurable...>
succumbed to Alzheimer's after years of struggling with the disease.<sounds off. succumbed to Alzheimer's is like getting it right? or maybe I'm wrong>
her passing[,] she <comma or no comma?>
to strive for creating treatments [to strive to create treatments]
progression of <these/such> incurable diseases.
dreams and aspirations <maybe just use one of the words. you use them both twice I think.>
Comments: for more word cuts, make sure that what your writing is about the world of the your family...that it's important about who you are and thus led you to biomed..
other than that, good I guess.
rather than stating what your family is, i think u should find a more interesting lead in
and your ending is simply restating the question which is not good. make it more original
"My world has taught me everything within its knowledge, and now it's time to venture into the new world of college life where I can achieve my dreams and aspirations"
here is my FINAL DRAFT for my UC Prompt #1
i hope it still portrays my main idea even though i cut it down a bit... i took out some stuff and added some other stuff..
critique as harshly as possible.. please and thank you =D
See Above
your final draft is awesome!
you write specifically that how your family influence you
My grandmother is like a second mother.
My grandmother is like my second mother.
fabulous work! I'm wondering if you can read my essay and give me some advices
I'm guessing that if you click on my username, you can get to my essay.The UC #2 It would be awesome if you could read over it!
This is a great essay. Usually, I am wary towards essays written about family members, but you seem to focus on how it influenced you as opposed to spending the majority of the essay on Alzheimer's direct effect on your grandmother.
