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I had a great life in Russia, but I have always been challenging myself - BOARDING SCHOOL ESSAY

laissa 1 / -  
Nov 20, 2014   #1
Hi, I am planning to apply for the boarding schools, so there is an essay, can you please help me with any mistakes I have made in my essay?:

How have you spent your past two summers?

In summer of 2012, I first decided to apply to one of the US boarding schools. I had a great life in Russia, but I have always been challenging myself. I was seeking for new experiences and opportunities. My father was a role model to me. He accomplished many goals in his life and became very successful, and I was so exciting to set my own personal goal in life. I found it really challenging for me, because before applying, I have been studying English mainly for only two years, but I was so inspired by the idea of getting in one of the boarding schools in USA so I kept preparing for my TOEFL exam for the entire summer. Even thought, I did not get a really good score on the test that time, I never did stop daydreaming about my goal, and finally I got accepted to the Grier School. I was so happy about reaching this goal, because I had put a lot of effort in it, and I really wanted to do it. I also discovered, that they have dance, but they did not have ballroom dancing, so I was excited to try myself in new kinds of dance. I kept dancing in my Dance Company in Russia as well. Me and my dance partner were preparing for new competitions, setting new dance pieces and working on our technique. Along with it, at the end of the summer I have attended Ballroom Summer Camp with other Dance Company, and I was working really intense, because this Dance Company had an amazing dancers, I was so encouraged by them so I practiced a lot, and I have improved myself there.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 20, 2014   #2
Anastasia, your essay is quite interesting but you managed to clump together 2 years worth of experience into only one paragraph. You should have at least 2 paragraphs for this essay. Each paragraph represents one summer and contains all of the notable activities and accomplishments that you have from that period. You don't even need to mention your father at this point. His presence is not relevant to the summer activities that you had. Drop that part from the essay and revise the content. This time, make sure to tell us what you did during the summer of 2013 and the summer of 2014 or the summer of 2013 and 2013. Just your activities. If it was all about TOEFL preparation then discuss that in full. Now, about the Grier School. Was this a school that you attended over the summer? If it wasn't then it does not belong in this essay either. It does not sound like a summer activity school because you had to pass the TOEFL to attend it. Please be more mindful of the little details in your essay that can affect the information presented within. Stick to only the summer months and nothing more.

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