A
Although, they don't have long-term history, but their diverse curriculum and academic quality brought them to 1st place within short period.
This sentence should be edited because
1. What does the word 'they' refer to ?
I guess that 'they' refers to 'the university' because it is the main focus of your paragraph.
2. Although...., but. << You have better chosen one of them for your sentence. If I were you, I would not mention that ABC university was not as old as other universities. For example, ...
' with cutting-edge curriculums and multidisciplinary research environments, the university is placed as the first rank.'
Furthermore, I would like to suggest that it is not a good idea to be negative about your hometown, your school, or any pass experience. You had better tried to reflect the positive quality of your experience.
For example...
In addition with this fact, my home university doesn't offer as many courses as ABC
If I were you, I would say that
" The leading-edge courses in your program will fulfill my knowledge on XXXX which I learned from BCD university."
In addition, this sentence shows that you have prepared yourself for being a student in the ABC university.
Finally, ....
In spite of growing as a Korean, but I didn't have much knowledge to understand neighbor countries' cultural difference yet. I
An alternative way is to say that ...
your culture and chinese are very similar, and you would like to define their differences which is delicate and sophisticated. Then...you may emphasize on what
you have learned as a korean.
PS. you should try to focus more on what you want to study, instead of trying to talk about something out of scope. Your life in the US is the example of going out of the focus.
However, I realize that being an international student guarantees about your language proficiency. Thus, if you would like to show that you have had experience as the international student in the US, I would like to use this opportunity to say about something interesting at the beginning of your statement of purpose. For example, ...
Intro.... Being an international student in the US, I noticed the distinction among people from different backgrounds. As a korean, I knew that my culture is different from other asian nations despite sharing the similar race, looks, and some culture. Chinese culture is closely resemble to Korean in many aspects, however I recognize the differences. I would like to gain a deeper insight in Chinese culture which is sophisticated and beautiful...
Then, your back ground...
Conclusion, ...your conclusion is fine...
PS 2. Using the abbreviation such as don't is not formal. Please, change it to 'do not'.