PROMPT #2: Tell us about a personality quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are
If you are living in a place such as Silicon Valley, where almost every other kid's parents are doctors and engineers, the demand and expectation is greater than normal. In the advent of the Vietnam War, my mother's village and school was completely destroyed. She never made it past the third grade which left her illiterate. Without my biological father in the picture, my mother provided me with tender loving care, but lacked the skills to teach me all the primary subjects that a normal child would learn. As a child, I did not have the means to understand the basics of English or Math. When teachers would send home papers, I remember telling my mother where and what she was signing because she could not comprehend the words. Financially, our small family struggled because of the literacy requirement of jobs. Contrary to the stereotypical tiger mother's story, my mother never pushed me because she herself felt too guilty for not being able to give me to tools to succeed in school. As I grew older, textbooks started to become more costly and the homework consumed more time. My mom would often sneak in and check on to see what I was doing while I was studying. On one occasion while I was reading a textbook, she came in and helplessly whispered "I am so sorry for being able to help you". I pretended not to hear her as she left but it did not stop the tears from trickling down my face and onto the papers of the homework. This was often hard on my self-esteem but my perseverance to learn was buoyed by another saving grace: curiosity.
Despite the lack of support at home, I always had a perpetual need for learning new things which blossomed into many of my academicals accomplishment such as scoring a 6 on the California Standard Test for English and maintaining good academic standing for all the semesters in college. I had a hunger to leave no stone unturned. Everything accomplishment is done with underlying passion. I contributed an art piece life size cow sculpture for my high school which still stands in the main office until this very day. The desire to learn without been told to do so is what helped me survive. Despite many of its challenges, academia is and will always be my haven. This understanding is something that was not taught but is inherent in who I am fundamentally as a student and a scholar.
When taken together, these challenges are contradictory to the success I achieved however, they highlight the sheer curiosity and passion I have to help me get through school. I came from a world where my mom's illiteracy once crippled my chances of succeeding in school. I felt the aftermath of the war from a world completely removed from my own. Through many obstacles, I continue to stand steadfast as I meet my own obligations. I intend to pick up the pieces and make the places where I stand a little better than the world had left it. A pure love for learning and giving back are at the heart of why I choose to continue this voyage in pursuing a greater journey through the frontier of knowledge.
I'd say this is a well-written essay. I'm impressed by your eagerness for learning and your hard work.
You did pretty well presenting your problem and stating your solution. I think you can shorten the first paragraph, and write more specifically how you concurred this obstacle and what you want to improve about the world ("intend to pick up the pieces and make the places where I stand a little better than the world had left it"). I think this will improve your essay because you said more about yourself and your fighting process, and I would know more about what you've done instead of what you've achieved. As my teacher always said to me:"to show but not to tell".
Hope my suggestion helps =] And good luck on your application!
THANK YOU luying9682 Great Advice!!! I will definately take that to consideration~
She never made it pastpass the third grade which left her illiterate.
you have a strong case, but it is a bit over expressed.... I would suggest to leave out the part that I highlighted because it sounds repetitive. Introduce a few sentences to tell the admission committee about how you coped with all those hardships, what motivated you to stand out against all odds... that part is missing here.I agree with dumi. It does sound a little repetitive, but overall this is a good essay.
It really shows your desire to learn, just need some more examples.
Thank you guys! I'm editing it right now with all your feedback in mind, anyone please feel free to comment THX. -T.D
Maybe provide a couple more examples to prove your point and not be impersonal...overall very well written
[quote=benedoe]If you are living live in a place such as Silicon Valley, where almost every other kid's parents are doctors and or engineers, the demand and expectation (of what? It's best to be specific. If there's one thing you need in any essay, it's a strong, clear opening so the reader can easily discern what it is you're talking about. is greater than normal. In the advent of the Vietnam War, my mother's village and school was were completely destroyed. She never made it past the third grade, which left her illiterate. Without my biological father in the picture Though I was without my biological father , my mother provided me with tender, loving care, but lacked the skills to teach me all the primary subjects that a normal child would learn. As a child(this should be noted earlier, your young age) , I did not have the means to understand the basics of English or Math. When teachers would send home papers, I remember telling my mother where and what she was signing because she could not comprehend the words. Financially, our small family struggled because of the literacy requirement of jobs. Contrary to the stereotypical tiger mother's(what does this mean? If I cannot understand the reference, another reader probably won't either) story, my mother never pushed me because she herself felt too guilty for not being able to give me to tools to succeed in school. As I grew older, textbooks started to become more costly and the homework consumed more time. My mom would often sneak in and check on to see what I was doing while I was studying. On one occasion while I was reading a textbook, she came in and helplessly whispered "I am so sorry for being able to help you". I pretended not to hear her as she left but it did not stop the tears from trickling down my face and onto the papers of the homework. This was often hard on my self-esteem but my perseverance to learn was buoyed by another saving grace: curiosity.
Just follow the others' edits, also, but if I had to give one piece of advice, I'd start focusing in on the main point of your essay by this point. I understand the hardships you and your mother went through, however, it's best to convey it in a coherent sense. What specifically about your ordeal made you stronger? What is your talent, and your essay should start to show the early buddings of your trait. Other than that, I'm impressed by your story. You have great grounds for an amazing story! Good luck!!
P.S. The lines you see in my post should cross off the word or words directly following it, up until the red corrections.
iamnicholas1 THANK YOU~ your awesome. great tips
