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the greatest physical challenge of my life - Roommate.


FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 27, 2009   #1
what would you want your roommate--and us--to know about you? tell us something so we can know you better.
(250-1800 char)

Some things have changed since that happy memory. I have now learned that the proper time to step on each pad is when the arrow moves up to the top of the screen, rather than the bottom, which my friends were so kind in pointing out. I have also realized that returning to the center after each move can be disastrous to one's health, and it is best if avoided. Yet one thing hasn't changed, and that is my unique ability to laugh at myself. Interweaving this philosophy into my daily adventures, I have found that life is too short to live without a little self-inflicted humor from time to time. It enhances our lives by eliminating anxiety and allowing growth, for we will always be our fiercest critics.

Perhaps my recent 215 combo is a testament that dancing may not be impossible for me.

[1549 char]

Comments: I don't really like the last two sentences. Any suggestions?

Note: I want to keep the sarcastic tone in the last paragraph, and keep it light and funny, and "not bitter" throughout.

And of course, please critique, rip it apart, whatever you'd like. Thanks in advance! :)
OP FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 27, 2009   #2
also maybe using "heck" is a bad thing in an essay to stanfordd? or maybe its just stylistic? idk?

and i want to replace the word "happy", i was mainly just trying to say that im not bitter about it at all, really.
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Nov 27, 2009   #3
I liked this, and I "got it" (sorta) right up until the quoted part above...that isn't part of the essay is it? :) You sound like an easy-go-lucky kind of person; one whom I would like to have as a friend. Your intention hit the mark, I would say, but a tad bit of toning to more serious lessons is in order. Your last paragraph started to go there, but then it abruptly stopped. Expound on the lesson a little lest you seem...just silly. K? Try to imagine the somber person who is charged with the task of evaluating you and your essay-writing style. Making someone smile is great, but making someone feel they can count on you no matter what is better.

Blue skies!
Jeannie
OP FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 27, 2009   #4
So specifically, which sentences would you change? I want to keep it light but I don't want to seem silly either. :(

And haha, should i take the 215 combo thing out? I was just looking for a nice ending.

Thanks for replying!
OP FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 27, 2009   #5
[keep or take out last sentence? and what other changes to be made?]
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Nov 27, 2009   #6
I have now learned that the proper time to step on each pad is when the arrow moves up to the top of the screen, rather than the bottom, which my friends were so kind in pointing out. I have also realized that returning to the center after each move can be disastrous to one's health, and it is best if avoided.

There is great potential to turn this part into metaphor for more serious life lessons. That is what I thought you were doing, but you were still talking about the game...

I may not be a DDR champion

If you are going to abbreviate something (which, unless it is used more than once, I wouldn't...) Write it out the first time, as you did in para 1, with the abbreviation in parentheses to signal to the reader that it will henceforth be called DDR.

"Dance Dance Revolution (DDR)..."

The ending?

I may not be a DDR champion, but I will always feel like one inside.

Take this out. It is unimportant to the essay and to your point.

Speaking of your point, you need to expand it. If you tie some real-life metaphor in with your DDR lessons like I said above, it will easily flow to a conclusion. Stear clear of any further reference to the game, though, because many people will not have a clue what in the world you're talking about (215 combo??)

:)
Oops, I just now saw your #2. But, my advise still stands...
I see you did attempt to use DDR as a metaphore, but...well...it still doesn't make sense to me. Why, for instance, is the center to be avoided in life? I always think of the center as a place of harmony and groundedness <is that a word??

Anyway, Better, but a little more - maybe one more paragraph somewhere in there to drive your message (assuming your message is that you keep your focus, commitment, and good humor in the face of adversity).
OP FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 27, 2009   #7
The "returning to the center" thing was only talking about the game (sorry i didnt make that clear) and im not sure how to relate that to real life...

[for those unfamiliar with the game..physically returning to the center after each move just makes u look kinda dumb but its funny haha; it's a great mental image for anyone familiar with the game]
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Nov 27, 2009   #8
Interweaving this philosophy into my daily adventures, I have found that life is too short to live without a little self-inflicted humor from time to time. It enhances our lives by eliminating anxiety and allowing growth, for we will always be our fiercest critics.

I really like this! It's just the ending you needed!

Still not so sure about the last sentence. Does it do any harm? Not really. Does it help with your conclusion? No, not really. Hmmm. Something about it is bugging me for some reason.

Oh, well, you decide. :) I look forward to reading more of your essays!

Blue skies! Jeannie

Oh, I forgot to ask if the title is true. Is DDR the most physically challenging experience you have ever had...really? No way. How about a more fitting title like "Lessons and Laughter: Trying Life on for Size"

OK, I know I'm corny, but you get the drift. teehee!
OP FireTiger 8 / 49  
Nov 28, 2009   #9
I want to keep the concept of the last sentence, but is there a way it could be phrased so it is less awkward?

Ie:

According to this logic, perhaps my recent improvement is a testament that dancing may not be impossible for me.

or just

Perhaps my recent improvement is a testament that dancing may not be impossible for me.

or something else?

PS: I wasn't planning on titling my essays in the actual application at all :P
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Nov 28, 2009   #10
Perhaps my recent improvement is a testament that dancing may not be impossible for me.

"Perhaps my recent improvement is proof that even dancing is not impossible for me."

Yeah, That's the ticket. Skip the part about "according to this logic..." because the logic is now evident in the statement.

Blue skies today! 74 degrees...perfect day for a skydive!

See ya!


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