Hi! Can anyone give me advice on my common app essay? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! :D
Prompt:
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
Essay:
Conversation and laughter accompanied the soft music that reached my ears as I entered the kitchen. Brightly colored balloons were scattered around the room, streamers were draped from the walls, and a large "Happy Birthday" sign hung on the wall behind the birthday celebrant, my brother, who was animatedly speaking with my uncle.
Suddenly, a plate and a set of silverware were thrust into my hands, and I was gestured toward the kitchen table abundant with food. There lay a variety of dishes such as kaldereta (beef stew), lumpia (fresh spring rolls) and pancit (rice noodles): all foods commonplace in my Philippine culture.
However, as my view shifted over to the other side of the table, I saw an array of entirely different foods: a casserole of eggplant parmesan, a plate of raviolis and a mountain of spaghetti. At the center of the table, a large bowl of ivory white rice was pitted against a plate of seafood risotto.
Any stranger that would have looked in on the scene would have thought that two separate parties were being held. However, I had become very well accustomed to these family parties throughout the years. After my dad's marriage to an Italian woman, the integration was something that I became very used to.
I cannot remember what the last dinner that I had with only my original family was like; I really wish that I could, but not for the reasons you may think.
I will admit that like every other five year old, I had had a rather limited palette. The foods that I was used to were those standard in my Philippine culture: rice, noodles and fish. Even though I had lived in the United States for the majority of my life, I would not touch a plate of macaroni and cheese, much less have taken a second glance at anything equally "American." I would have rather resorted to eating vegetables for a whole week than to take even the smallest bite out of a cheeseburger.
My mom had initially approved of my loyalty to our culture. Nevertheless, as the years passed, she had begun to learn how to cook foreign cuisine, and my refusal to try anything new had only become a nuisance to her.
I remember my dad being almost as stubborn as me. However, after he remarried, even he began eating new foods much to the insistence of my step-mom and her family. In turn, they began to try our native recipes as well. It was then inevitable that I begin to really try tasting foods outside of my comfort level. It took a while for me to do so, but I did, and now, I certainly not as reluctant to try new things.
As my aunt offered me some lasagna, another dish I had also turned away as a finicky child, I had realized that food, as well as their love and welcoming nature, were the greatest things that I have gained from my new family. While they helped me expand my culinary horizons, I began to branch out in other areas as well: French became my language class, sushi my comfort food, and the airplane my dream vehicle. It was because of family that I had begun to have a better understanding of and fascination with other regions of the world.
And even though I would still pick a plain bowl of white rice over penne vodka any day, I will not hesitate to try anything new.
After my dad's marriage to an Italian woman, the integration was something that I became very used to.
Yes, it's right here that you need to express that main idea. Get the idea into the reader's head, and then end the paragraph.
I actually wish you would condense all the material before this sentence so that it does not take such a long time to get to it. That is not the only approach, but it is what I have in mind for you.
I like the ending! The whole essay is pleasant to read, and I think the AO reader will appreciate that. Still, you need less detail about the trivialities and more reflection on what is actually important! When you write, you become the voice of the reader's mind, so you can plant the ideas most important to you. Add sentences that let the reader know how serious and determined you are as a student. That is the real goal.
:-)
