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'Greece lengthy security line' - Significant experience and its impact - personal


singinheaven 2 / 1  
Dec 31, 2007   #1
I'm stuck... and I'm not sure if this makes any sense to anyone beside myself. I was wondering if you have any suggestions on how to edit this. I had over 800 words for an essay for my English class and reduced it to 661 (I'm hoping to get it under 500 words), and now I think it's a mess, probly due the fact that I suck at grammar. I also wanted to show what happened, but my editting caused me to resort to telling... I'm also not sure about the ending...

It was quite the sight really, twenty teenagers and six adults racing through London's very own Heathrow Airport like a flock of wandering birds that just so happened to be disoriented after making a treacherous and long flight. However, much worse was yet to come, at least for me. Traveling with a large group can have its pros and cons, but while traveling overseas, the cons seem to out weigh the pros. After all it is very difficult to rally up twenty teenagers in another country. Nevertheless, it can teach a person how to not overreact and to just take on one cataclysmic situation at a time.

Somehow in all of the confusion of getting through the maze of lines and rules, which the airport likes to call security, I had managed to separate myself from the group of matching red and blue t-shirts. At first I wasn't worried, in fact I was quite content having no one to watch over my every move; what seventeen year old would not jump at the chance of a little bit of freedom? Plus traveling abroad was something that I was very accustomed to, and all I needed to do was get through security, get on the plane, meet up with my youth group, and enjoy the flight to Athens, Greece. However, that was easier said than done.

While waiting in the lengthy security line, I heard an announcement from above unveil some very important knowledge concerning my flight. "Last boarding call for British Airline flight 0640 to Athens, Greece. LAST boarding call." As soon as those words were digested and absorbed by my brain, my heart began to work over time, pounding rapidly against the inside of my chest. I was petrified. All different types of scenarios popped into my head and none of them ended well.

Making a mad dash from one gate to another, I ran through the airport, desperately attempting to reach my connecting flight. After leaving the security gate I had abandoned the thought of replacing my converse to their rightful place on my feet, due to time constraints, and instead opted to carry the black and white tennis shoes. So there I was with dangling shoes, boarding pass, passport, and an unzipped book bag in hand, bolting through the busy terminal and maneuvering through the crowds. I dreaded what would happen if I didn't board the plane before it decided to leave me all alone in chilly London.

After blindly running through the terminal in search of my gate, I glanced down at my boarding pass only to realize that it did not have the gate number on it. So there I was, barefoot, lost, and overwhelmed, standing alone in the middle of a sea people. However, about two minutes later I saw one red and three blue blurs whiz by me, and I recognized those blurs. They were my best friends, who apparently were also lost, but they did know the gate number. Together we quickly made it to the gate only to discover that the flight was held back for another thirty minutes since most of its passengers were caught up in the security line. So after waiting another thirty minutes the rest of the youth group caught up with us, and we boarded the plane along with all its tardy passengers.

After that incident I made sure to always keep up with the group and be on time. I also learned that no matter what situation I may be in, having a mental breakdown will not make it any better. Instead I learned to just breathe, calm down and think things over logically. Lastly I also realized that I must always keep an eye out for my red and blue flock of birds; because I may be compared to a bird, but it does not mean that I will ever be able to fly away from my problems like a bird does an approaching storm.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Dec 31, 2007   #2
Greetings!

I think you have put so much work into this that you are having a hard time being objective. It is much better than you are giving yourself credit for! :-) I think you still have a few places where you could pare down a few words. Just remember, saying something simply is often much more effective than making it more complex. Here's an example:

racing through London's very own Heathrow Airport like a flock of wandering birds that just so happened to be disoriented after making a treacherous and long flight. - You could easily take out "very own" and "that just so happened to be" and lose nothing; in fact, it would sound better.

One more: because I may be compared to a bird, but it does not mean that I will ever be able to fly away from my problems like a bird does an approaching storm. - This sounds a bit cumbersome. You could say "because I cannot fly away from my problems like a bird from an approaching storm."

See if you can find a few other examples where simple would be better, and I think you'll get close to your word-count goal.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP singinheaven 2 / 1  
Dec 31, 2007   #3
Thanks! I tend to ramble and make things long and confusing. You really helped me cut down on my essay! :)

Thanks,
Michelle


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