Q: Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.
He was looking into my eyes, kindly saying, "Right now, it looks like you'll be on JV. But if you tighten up your long kicks and improve your stamina I might bump you up to Varsity."
I nodded, attempting to control of my face. *Don't grimace, smile.* I said, "Ok." As I returned to the field, the word "might" rang in my ears. *I'm a senior. I should be on Varsity.* Embarrassed, I smiled ruefully when I turned to my friends and shrugged, "I made JV," like I didn't care.
How could this be? How could I, Veronica, who had just joined the clubs Green Team and Amnesty International, despite even my closest friends' derision, feel ashamed? How could I, who just the other day opted to miss the party of the year to write this very essay, care if others thought me uncool?
Then I was passed the ball, and I my insecurities were replaced with my signature searing calf cramps and exhilaration when I made a solid pass. Panting, I remembered why I play soccer, why I stay up on current events, and why I do well in school: for the love of the game.
P.S.: I was planning to italicize the words in between the *...but should I?
Any opinions are welcome. But if you can I have a few specific concerns:
Can you tell what personal quality I'm trying to illustrate? (I'm trying to show that I'm unconcerned as to what is "cool" and that everything I do is because I genuinely enjoy it.)
Can I even "contribute" those qualities?
Are my paragraph spilts ok?
Is it clear my coach is talking to me?
Is it clear that I'm even playing soccer?
Thank you so much. Sorry I have so many questions, I'm just really stressed. :)
Greetings, Veronica!
I like the way you structured your essay, like a story (being a writer, I would!). I'll try to answer each of your questions, not necessarily in the order you asked them:
"Is it clear my coach is talking to me?"
Yes, by the second sentence. However, I suggest you start the sentence with "The coach" instead of "He." I'm afraid that "He was looking into my eyes" kind of sounds like a romance novel. (Are you saying, "Eeeuuuwww!" yet?)
"I was planning to italicize the words in between the *...but should I?"
Yes, definitely. That is a common way to indicate internal dialogue.
"Is it clear that I'm even playing soccer?"
Not immediately. It could be any field sport. Maybe I should revise my above suggestion for the opening to "The soccer coach was looking into . . . " By the way, that sentence would be a little tighter if you put it into past tense: "My soccer coach looked into my eyes and said kindly, . . . " But it's up to you.
"Can you tell what personal quality I'm trying to illustrate? (I'm trying to show that I'm unconcerned as to what is "cool" and that everything I do is because I genuinely enjoy it.)"
Yeah, I get that. I think your story also indicates perseverance and an ability to roll with the punches.
"Can I even "contribute" those qualities?"
Absolutely! Those admissions people are looking for a variety of positive characteristics. Perseverance is one of them. You'll want to include some other strengths, too, though.
"Are my paragraph spilts ok?"
I think so.
"Thank you so much. Sorry I have so many questions, I'm just really stressed. :) "
No worries! I'm glad to help. I wish you the best of luck!
Sarah, EssayForum.com
