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What group do you belong to? (multiple cultures) -- University of Michigan


Some one 3 / 7  
Jan 11, 2011   #1
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

I belong to a very special community. It encompasses multiple cultures and millions of people across the world, and it is in this community that Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, and Albert Einstein once roamed. True to Martin Luther King's "I have a dream speech," this community does not discriminate based on a person's race, culture, or accent. It is more idealistic than even the most ideal governments today and only judges a person based on his or her achievement, skill, and success. It does not relegate the "poor" to the bottom most rungs or the "rich" to the top most spectrums. The community I am talking about is, of course, the prominent scientific community. We are united in this community by a common desire to dedicate ourselves to the pursuit of truth and scientifical knowledge.

In this community, I and many of my science classmates are only saplings in the edge of a huge primeval forest, the most overlooked spectacles. Yet, it is in this place that most crucial development occurs. It is here that the most integral component, the foundation, of our knowledge is solidified and our goals made lucid; the future is merely an addition to this continually expanding fountain of knowledge. It is also here that we choose the most important determining factor of our future, college. Hopefully, through dedication, all the AP science classes at my school, science Olympiad, and an excellence college education, I will one day become a towering oak like Steven Hawking.

Please check for grammar errors, and if my essay fits the title. Any critical advice is very helpful.

THanks and cheers

shadowfax 5 / 22  
Jan 11, 2011   #2
A great essay! I really like your metaphor "only saplings in the edge of a huge primeval forest."
But something is wrong with the last sentence. Do you mean by taking "all the science classes" or just by the science classes you are going to be like Hawking? Also did you meant to say excellent instead of excellence? Overall a great essay. Rephrase the last sentence. BTW I am a big science person to! haha
shadowfax 5 / 22  
Jan 17, 2011   #3
It encompasses multiple cultures and millions of people across the world, and it is in this community that Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, and Albert Einstein once roamed

trying substituting the word "lived in" rather than "roamed in."

We are united in this community not by the pursuit of monetary gains but by a common desire to dedicate ourselves to the truth.

When you mean "we" who exactly are you referring to? Never use second person. Try saying "This community is united not by pursuit...to the truth."

My position right now also entails choosing the most important determining factor of my future, college.

My position right now also entails choosing the most important determining factor of my future: college. even though a comma works, I think a colon would look good there...

With the aid of an excellence college education, I will constantly excel towards my goals and hope to become a towering oak .

and hopefully become a towering oak...

Good Luck man!

Please help me with my GA Tech essay.
katiek777 1 / 1  
Jan 17, 2011   #4
I belong to a very special community. It encompasses multiple cultures and millions of people across the world. It is the community of Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Albert Einstein. True to Martin Luther King's "I have a dream speech," this community does not discriminate based on a person's race, culture, or ethinicityit just sounds better in my mind, using accent made it sound kind of like your making a joke. It is more idealistici'd find a different word, like idyllic than even the most ideal governments today and only judges a person based on his or her achievement, skill, and success. It does not relegate the "poor" to the bottom most rungs or the "rich" to the top most spectrums. The community I am talking about is, of course, the prominentunless your going to mention a specific branch, this just seems odd scientific community. We are united in this community not by a desire for monetary gain but by a common dedication to the truth.

In this community, I am merely a sapling in the edge of a huge primeval forest, the most overlooked spectacle.I understand why you said this, but unless your going to elaborate it just seems self-depreciating It is in this place that most crucial development of my life occursThis sentance feels ackward. It is here that the most integral component, the foundation, of my knowledge is solidified and my goals made lucid through the process of learning and growth ; my future is merely an addition to this continually expanding fountain of knowledge.You want to be a part of this community, then be a little forceful about it My position right now also entails choosing the most important determining factor of my future, college.Are you debating going to college in general? or just which college or which major? Be specific. With the aid of an excellant college education, I will continue moving towards my goal and emulating the great men who have come before me become a towering member of this communityThis last part is just my idea, but your final sentance needs rewriting, whether you take my idea and run with it or not.

I love the idea of identifying yourself with science instead of an absract societal idea like race or ethinicity, plus you really view yourself as a part of it which is just inspring to read. GOOD LUCK!
OP Some one 3 / 7  
Jan 17, 2011   #5
WOW! Thank you so much katic, It helped alot
OP Some one 3 / 7  
Jan 17, 2011   #6
Thanks everyone


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