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Grow up - Story for common app essay- prompt 7


pa_123 1 / -  
Jul 30, 2019   #1
PROMPT:7.

Share an essay on any topic of your choice.


It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.


****** I wrote this for my common app essay. Please help me to fix it, especially with the logical of the essay. Thank you********

"Where are your parents?", "Why don't they pick you up ?", "Are you an orphan ?"- that's the question that I grew up with. I hated my parents, why are they never here ?

My parents are normal workers, they work 12 hours a day to raise me and my sister, give us all the best thing in the world. Therefore, I was brought up in the hand of my grandparents. They held me as a baby, feed me, comforted me, took me to school, give me advices.I love being around them. Though I don't get to see my parents much as a kid and all the stress from work just made them lose their temper easier,so we don't talk much. I hated my parents.

I remember my dad would hit me everytime I make a mistake, being lazy, disbehave or just because I can't remember the alphabet. Although he never hit me hard but he was always harsh on me and it hurt me and my ego. My dad grew up in an educational family with my grandparents are both teachers and two my aunts are have a doctor degree, he surely had a lot to live up to. My dad hated school, he did not went to college and at his time, having little education is the same as having no future. He had to do manual works to feed himself and he would never allowed the same for me. Realizing the momentousness of schooling, he came back to school at 20, get his degree in electronic engineering and find a better job. For my mom, she was not an excellent student, failed college once but continued trying really hard. At the time she was pregnant with me, she still go to class everyday. So my parents might not be rich, might to be academically excellent but they sure know how much education means. They told me in this world, there are two things that one's must have which are a good education and a perfect attitude. A person without a good attitude will failed in their jobs no matter how intelligent they are. That's why they don't allow me to have less of anything.

My sister at her high school is rather problematic.She tried to run away from home. It was the first time I saw my parents broke down. When my sister come back home, crying,saying sorry, I thought my dad raise his hand, ready to hit her but he couldn't. He just fall down onto the floor, tears pouring out of his eyes slowly, and then my whole family just sit there crying and hugging each other for a really long time

As I grow up, I realized that I have more than what I thought I had. Not having my parents by my side all the time, I am a lot more independent than my friends, I acquired skill by learning from mistakes, from people I met on the streets, I can confidently speak up my mind, know what I want and how I can get it, and I have an amazing relationship with my big family. I remembered at primary, when other kids still have their parents spoon feeding them, I have used my chopsticks to eat by myself because I was taught by a mechanic worker who sit next to me at a diner. Then in high school when others were fighting with their parents for not understand them, hate to meet their grandparents, aunts and uncles because they "talk too much", I love my family,I can say I love you to them without being shy about it.

Life is not perfect but I am enjoying my life at the moment, I have the best parents that love me and we are communicating much better than we used to now.

Maria [Contributor] - / 613 244  
Jul 31, 2019   #2
@pa_123
Hi. Hopefully this feedback will be helpful for your writing endeavors!

Focusing on the logical sequencing of your essay, I would say that you need to focus more on ensuring that you have an organized flow to your writing. This includes, for instance, including portions of the text that would expound on the thesis statement of your content. If you can sequentially expound everything with ease by a time line, it would help readers as well not be confused with all of the details that you put on the table.

Aside from that, I think you can focus a lot more as well on ensuring that you can confidently place altogether all your opinions. When you're putting your skills in one place in the text, try to be as concise as much as possible.

Best of luck as always.


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