"Growing up with Chinese parents, now college" -My Common App Essay

Kinda embarrased by my essay...don't know sure what I think about it. I just spent a couple of hours writing this. BTW do u guys know how long commonapp essays are suppose to be? word count: 632, be honest please. i can take it...

Growing up with Chinese parents who were born and raised in China is really difficult for me; I have a lot of weight on my back, they have really high standards of me. My brother Jeff, who was president/vice president/founder of many clubs, did a bunch of volunteer work, was in national honor society, and in Varsity for swimming at his high school now attends Bowdoin College in Maine, having him as my brother really puts me in the spot. Many think wow your brother is really smart, you're so lucky to have him as your older brother. Yes, I am very lucky to have him as my brother, I do love him very much and am ever so proud of him, I think of him as superman having been able to fit so much onto his schedule without any complaint, but because of his achievements, it gives me so much more weight on my back than I can carry. My parents, like any other parents, they want me to be successful in life, to be a doctor, accountant or pharmacist. While in China my mother finished high school and my father had some high school education, they both did not attend college and of course want me to. They tell me all the time how it was when they were living in China and how lucky I should feel to live in such a nice city and feel privileged to have everything that I have because when they were living in China they did not have transportation like we do today; having to bike hours to get to a destination, barely having clothes to wear; wearing the same shirt with holes for days. Majority of the time I don't understand or see how lucky I am, to have such great parents who care so much of me. Thinking now I feel really horrible and regret ever thinking they were a burden to me.

Looking at my grades you can see that I did not do the best or tried the hardest that I could have in school, I am no valedictorian nor am I anyway close to being one at this point. I have always been rebellious, stubborn, and lazy ever since I was little and have been told by my parents that probably hundreds of times. Looking back at my high school career I regret it, I wish I worked harder from day one of high school. But now it's too late, all I can do is work my hardest senior year and see if it pays off.

College will be a new beginning for me; it's something that I will be paying for, something I myself want, something that decides my future career, I will give it my all and strive to do the best I can. I know that I can do it; I know I am smart, this is something I really want, I'm determined to achieve. I want a new fresh clean start, next year I want to look back at myself being that girl who used to be rebellious, the girl who talked back in class and to her parents, who never really cared about high school, who just hopped on for a joyride discovering last minute that high school isn't suppose to be fun, that its hard work and takes a lot of effort. I want to see myself as a freshman in College next year, who has a fresh new clean slate. I am determined to do well, until I achieve my goals and to never give up even when there are hard times. I want my parents to be proud of me, to be able to brag to their friends about what college I go to and what I will have achieved.

this chunk was deleted...it was suppose to be my first paragraph but i thought it just didnt connect together.

So my name is xxx, looking at my name you can tell that I have some kind of Asian-descent, well you're right, I am Chinese-American. Maybe you already have an ideal vision of me because of my nationality. You probably know some of the Asian stereotypes, like I'm probably great at math, I'm soft-spoken and quiet, I keep everything bottled up inside, I'm a bad driver, I have strict parents who keep me at home and make me work my butt off in school, etc. I can tell you that I am nothing like that, I have the biggest talkative mouth you can imagine, and I am told by so many friends that I talk nonstop and that I need to take a breath. It is true; I forget things quickly so I blurt everything out that is on my mind without thinking sometimes. I think it is a positive trait that I have, I do blurt a lot of things out and voice my opinion but I don't do it in any negative way on purpose.

Well, for this part, it would be good if you could elaborate using examples, actually having examples booast your essay to a certain extent, at least that's what i thought?

Quite a interesting real life story, must sure you work really hard so as to not disappoint your parents! Nowadays, it is not easy to catch up in a competitive society with many more people have greater qualifications then you, so work hard!

Ah, don't be embarrassed. Sometimes we find inspiration, and sometimes we write stuff that is not inspired... it is okay to not be inspired all the time.

I like the conversational, natural style you use, but not all readers like that. Some readers want you to be more formal.

Look at how I fixed this run on sentence:
So my name is xxx, looking at my name you can tell that I have some kind of Asian-descent. Well, you're right; I am Chinese-American.

Maybe you already have an ideal vision of me because of my nationality. --- Do not say "you." It really is better not to address the reader "you may notice this and that..." it is not good, because it seems a little to presumptuous or something.

You probably know some of the Asian stereotypes, like I'm probably great at math, I'm soft-spoken and quiet, I keep everything bottled up inside, I'm a bad driver, I have strict parents who keep me at home and make me work my butt off in school, etc. ---- this is funny! Well... even though I really like your writing style, I want to advise you to GET FOCUSED ON YOUR PLAN for the future.

Know what I mean? Don't make this all about you and your personality. Instead, make it an essay about your intentions for college and career. Do not tell all about various experiences, your brother, your grades, etc... instead, use an essay as an art form for conveying a powerful idea. What is the idea you want to capture with this?

The first sentence and last sentence of each paragraph are very important. Use those sentences to make it very clear for the reader. What is your message to the reader? I often tell essayists this:

one essay = one big idea

Do not try to talk about everything. Choose one idea, perhaps the philosophy or goal that guides you as you choose your college and your major.

:-)

Sorry to be blunt, but if you write this on your common app, no colleges will accept you. It is the classic "I failed high school but I will do better in college". 99% of the time, this is not true, and colleges know that. Rather, I recommend you talk about how your chinese heritage made you who you are and why you are proud of it. That would be a much more powerful essay. If you were a college admission officer, would you accept someone who considers themselves "rebellious, stubborn, and lazy"?

yeah..but you don't know my complete story.
my grades don't suck completely...im taking all honor/AP classes right now. the person that would be reading my essay would know all my info and stuff...right?

thanks for your opinion though.

Yes, but there iceui2 referred specifically to this phrase "i failed" and that might make a reader say, "What? what did he fail?" It can leave an impression like other students are more deserving.

When you say failed, I think it is not the best word. I know you are trying to take responsibility for it, but maybe it's better to say something like "left my potential unfulfilled" or some other phrase that refers to what you can do instead of referring to having "failed." Some words can change the mood of your essay in a way you don't intend.

I never said the word fail in my essay though...did i? i cant find the word..

No, I got very confused when I tried to figure out what I had been talking about. Sorry! I meant "lazy." I don't know why I said "failed." It was because of the explanation given by iceui, which tricked me! My fault...

This really is an essay that will make people like you and believe in your good intentions. I don't think it is good to say you were lazy, though.

Sorry for the confusion! :-)

I would recommend not focusing on your ethnic heritage as this essay topic is quite common and really says nothing about your individuality and strengths as a person. Try another topic, please!

Best of luck to you in your college search from Asian Advantage College Consulting.

I think what we are all trying to say is... instead of trying to make excuses for why you didn't do as well in high school, why not focus on something that you are good at? Maybe you're a passionate swimmer, or pianist, or a professional paddleball player. This is the time to reveal that! Make your essay unique, make it stand out fro the crowd. If you read your own essay right, do you think it will stand out along with the thousands of other essays? If it doesn't, they it's not doing its job.

So please please please... don't focus on what you didn't do, but on what you did do. Hope that helps.