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UC prompt #1- "Growing Up With Cinema" (where my grandmother used to work)


guffaa88 3 / 7  
Nov 11, 2009   #1
UC prompt #1- "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations"

This is my UC prompt #1 answer. It is about 750 words, I am wondering if someone can please assess it both for quality and for what to remove, if anything is a bit too much. Thank you.

I grew up in a movie theater. On the corner of Volkzalnaya and Krasnardarskaya, every morning I would cross the desolate town park with my mother in hand, going to be dropped off at the DKA Theater where my grandmother used to work. At four years old I looked forward to those mornings because as soon as my mother left me with my grandma for the day, so she could go to work, I had a vast empty theater as my playground. The lights were always dimmed during the day and the cold damp air of the Ukrainian night was ever evident in the hallways and rooms of my ancient playground. The first two hours of my days were bliss as nobody but my grandma in her control room was around and I was free to run around throughout my wondrous domain. As the various employees started to pour in, the place livened up and more lights were turned on, ruining the initial mood. I didn't mind though; new games were played during this time and the other side, that I admired most, of my usually complacent grandmother came out. As the technician, the janitor, the coat man, and the old hunched-over Pyotr the security guard came to work, my grandma began her duties as director, instructing all of the employees to their tasks for the day and then going back into her office and pouring over the books. She, a woman of about fifty, was the director of the unusually successful movie theater of the town of Khartsizk.

That theater was my stepping block into the real world and all of its workings. As I got older, maybe about five years old, I remember my grandma going into the projection room and instructing me on how the machines ran. At five years old I had a pretty good understanding of how to load and unload film and how the reel room was categorized. I also remember her buying a suit for me and putting me at the front door so that I might greet people as they came in and open the door for them. I also remember her calling my mother some days and saying that I would need to stay with her at the DKA a bit longer that night because we had some work to do. She would then take all of the ticket sales and make me count them all and record the sales in her cracked, dark leather ledger. Then on Fridays I remember payday, as the employees came in one by one getting their envelopes, I received one as well, with enough candy money for the week. My grandmother gave me experiences, both real world and for play, that not many children get. All of the small tasks and the exposure to all of the different situations at the DKA, while I may have not known at the time, gave me a broader view of the world. Through my grandmother's guidance and involvement I learned not be shy around people, I learned self-reliance, I was exposed to simple mechanics, I practiced simple bookkeeping, and most important of all, I was exposed to real-world situations everyday, not like the usually sheltered and controlled lives of most children.

At the time since everything was a game for me, I believe that my limited exposure to business management and financial workings at the DKA is what really positively associated economics to something as fun and interesting for me. My grandma always used to remind me that my ticket sales calculations were the most critical part of the night, that all of the hard work that all of the employees put into that day depended on my accurate summation. I, therefore, always completed the task with utmost caution and actually checked my work before giving it to my grandma. She would always trust my addition and I, therefore, felt that my position and work at the DKA was important; she, much later in my life, told me with a smile that she always rechecked my calculations when I wasn't around. That sense of importance, howver, subconsciously carried over to today, and I feel that I have my late grandmother to thank for giving me an interest in finance and overall adequately preparing me for life.
glitter17 2 / 6  
Nov 11, 2009   #2
Really good essay, as it's so different from the standard prompt 1 topics. I think the individuality of the subject will really help you here. well written too.x
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 12, 2009   #3
What an intriguing first sentence. I love essays that start with interesting, short sentences.

...four years old I looked forward to those mornings , because as soon as my mother left me with my grandma for the day so she could go to work, I had a vast , empty theater as my playground.

Use a comma when you list a few adjectives: I had a vast, empty theater...

Then on Fridays I rememberwere payday, and when the employees came in one by one getting their envelopes, I received one as well, with enough candy money for the week.

Excellent! I like it... great approach, great story. And you connect it to finance at the end! I love it.

Fix the spelling of "however" in that last sentence.
OP guffaa88 3 / 7  
Nov 13, 2009   #4
thank you both for ur comments =D
pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Nov 13, 2009   #5
I also remember her buying a suit for me and putting me at the front door so that I might greet people as they came in and open the door for them. I also remember her calling my mother some days and saying that I would need to stay with her at the DKA a bit longer that night because we had some work to do.

you repeated "i also" two times.. i just thought you should know because i'm a big believer in that phrases should never be repeated unless they have a clear purpose.

I, therefore, always completed the task with utmost caution and actually checked my work before giving it to my grandma. She would always trust my addition and I, therefore, felt that my position and work at the DKA was important;

here again, you repeated "i, therefore". Sorry if i'm being anal but i have a HUGE pet peeve over this, as you can tell. feel free to ignore this comment if you feel that this is pointless. i just simply wanted to let you know :D

i feel like some of your senteces were really long and could be shorten.
for example:

At four years old I looked forward to those mornings because as soon as my mother left me with my grandma for the day, so she could go to work, I had a vast empty theater as my playground.

that sentence is so packed with info. re-read your essay and see if you can make some complicated sentences more concise by either dividing the sentence or shortening it. (:

overall, really good though! goodluck!
OP guffaa88 3 / 7  
Nov 13, 2009   #6
^^ good advice thanks a lot


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