Growing up, I explored all kinds of technologies. University of Illinois Champaign Application Essay

This is my UIUC undergraduate application essay. This is my first time writing this kind of essay. I want to major in Computer Science. I believe that the work I do out of school can help cover me for my GPA.

I need some help with my grammar and my final paragraph. Please be "harsh" any comments and help are greatly appreciated.

PROMPT:

Explain your interest in the major you selected and describe how you have recently explored or developed this interest inside and/or outside the classroom. You may also explain how this major relates to your future career goals. If you're applying to the Division of General Studies, explain your academic interests and strengths or your future career goals. You may include any majors or areas of study you're currently considering. (300-400 words.)

ESSAY:
Growing up, I explored all kinds of technologies, from how a magnetron works to the creation of the LZMA. After taking a graphic design course at Stanford and an intro CS course for Java at Harvard, I discovered the practicalities of computer programming. At home, I could write a simple game app for my little brother; in math class, I programmed my calculator to solve seemingly unsolvable equations, and during my study hall last semester I created a phone app for my school. Solving problems and making things easier have become second nature to me.

My passion for computer science peaked during my CS course at Harvard. I had class everyday and everyday I would be programming from 8 AM to 10 PM. Whenever I learned something knew I became obsessed with finding ways to use it in my personal works. With my friends at Harvard, we would sit down on Sundays and Saturdays at Starbucks to talk about the programs we are working on. We worked on all kinds of programs from a simple battleship game to a Sudoku solver that had a logarithmic efficiency.

After coming back home I started researching on how I can apply what I learned about Java to my life. I had some friends at my schools AP Statistics class to ask around and do surveys on issues students had. After looking at the data and asking permission from our school's IT department, I started a computer science club that met after school to work on an official school app together. As a new programmer I had to learn about programming with the Android Studio interface while also teaching my fellow members what I learned. After the second month we finally pushed out our first version which included a weather forecast and a clean cut design.

I believe my goal is clear, to study computer science, but there are still many branches I have yet to explore. I know ........

Brian, you need to find a balance in the essay between the development of your interest in computer programming and your future goals. Your whole essay currently just delves into the development of your interest and your current activities in the area. What the essay lacks, is the reference to your future goals based upon your major. Now, how can you do that?

You seem to have a knack for developing original software for various uses. Why don't you expand upon that in the essay to mark your future goal. Basically, the essay is asking you to present a potential thesis topic on your part. A type of research / goal that you can perhaps begin developing while you are a student at the university and then achieve in totality by the time you graduate or, a goal for yourself that you hope to achieve through the use of the university facilities. Whatever the case, your goal should be based upon a unique idea for a software or app that can help your college application essay stand out.

Balance the essay by discussing both aspects that are demanded by the prompt in at least 2 paragraphs each. That should give you more than enough of the word count to properly develop your discussion in the essay. Your goal should not merely be to study computer science. Your goal should be to achieve something within this field of expertise. Either as a student or after you have received the proper academic and technical training from the university. Create a solid goal that can be identified within the essay.