Hi there,
I just wanted to see:
~if the content was good, interesting
~if i answered the questions
~what grammatical errors it has.
~suggestions
Reviews are greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Danielle3
Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Growing up knowing I had Transcobalmin II deficiency was a little alienating. I wasn't really handicapped; I just didn't process vitamin B-12 through foods or pills. It was not a random fact I would come out and say because people get a little freaked out by this, since I was different. The disease scheduled my life; I would have to give myself injections of vitamin B-12 for the rest of my life. Since I was young, this seemed horrible and I just wanted to give up on living. From the exterior I was a happy child, but on the inside, I felt that life was taking advantage of me.
Sixth grade arrived, homework started getting harder, but it was bearable. One night I was working on homework and my vision got blurry and then I started moving uncontrollably. This resulted in me getting admitted to Children's Hospital. What else could go wrong with me, I felt as if God made life extra hard on me. Shouldn't life be fun and easy? I was in the hospital for awhile and had a lot of thinking time as well. I had now lost my vocabulary except for the basic words and could not write nor walk. I was stuck. One day as I sat in the hospital bed, there was this moment where my outlook on life changed.
"I am responsible for my future, so I might as well make the best out of it," I recited to myself over and over again. I was now determined to get my vocabulary, writing skills, and stride back. The positive attitude must have done something because the doctor figured out that I just needed to have more vitamin B-12 in my system. I was so thankful for this discovery because now I was finally on the road to recovery. The first thing that popped up in my mind when they gave me the news was: when can I go back to school? The thought of me being made fun did not even occur to me, I was determined to educate myself and live life to the fullest.
Vaccinating myself three times a week is nothing compared to some people's medical treatment routines, so I was appreciative. The side affects of my stroke would soon go away with hard work and before I knew it I was in high school. I was a transformed girl who now knew what she wanted out of life and wanted to lead by example. I used my new found perseverance to get what I desired out of high school and didn't let anyone stand in my way. One thing I did was join the Associated Student Body to lead my peers and allow them to have a voice. Sometimes it was tough though because after my stroke my motor skills were not as fast, meaning it took a little longer to do things and I had to work twice as hard as everyone else, but in the end my willpower got me through the hard times.
Noticing myself mature is such a gratifying experience. I am proud to have uncovered this quality of mine so I can keep living, learning, and prospering for the years to come. As I look back at my childhood, I wonder how I would have achieved my dreams and goals for my future with out my new found determination. Now I am living life and life is not living me.
Good morning :)
Just a little to add:
Make sure to avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "wasn't" should be "was not."
"Shouldn't life be fun and easy." When you are asking a question, make sure you end it with a question mark.
In regards to content, you have done a fantastic job explaining the experience to us and describing how it relates to the person you are now, but what about it had made you proud?
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
