i just finished and i need help fine tuning this one. i am not too sure if i'm answering the prompt completely and whether or not this is an appropriate experience to talk about. a check for grammar and coherence would be nice. any suggestions would be much appreciated. thanks.
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
A personal quality that I have that I am actually quite proud of is my self-discipline and perseverance. I grew up in probably not the greatest part of Long Beach, California, and I have watched several of my childhood friends fall victim to the extreme pessimism that my living environment exuberates, many of whom have already lost all faith in themselves and life in general.
A particular event that is memorable to me took place around the summer before my first semester at Long Beach City College. A friend from high school invited me to a party at his friend's house and, with nothing to do that evening, I told him I would go. On the drive there, I anticipated a stereotypical college party, with a house packed full of senseless frat boys, mind numbingly loud music, and enough beer to get a zoo of elephants drunk. But when I got there, despite my preconception, it was nothing like that. It seemed like more of a hang out than a party. There was alcohol, a cigarette bud here and there, along with a few other drugs that I am not too sure were legal. They offered me whatever they had, but I rejected and they were cool about it.
The whole night went on kind of like a dream, there was about twelve or eleven people in the living room, all talking about how life was meaningless and dreadful. A girlfriend this, and someone's dad that; all of these excuses of why things did not turn out the way they were destined to be. I abstained to contribute to the conversation, and instead, leaked out of the room while no one was noticing and drove home.
At the start of my city college career, I decided to distance myself from all the people who bogged me down from my goals and aspirations. Although these people do not necessarily make up a bad group of people, they do give off bad energy, and that's something I needed to grow away from. I discovered that when I surrounded myself with the small minority of city college students who have actually took their education seriously, their energy and enthusiasm for both life and school subconsciously rubbed off on me. Knowing people that have given up in what they hoped and dreamed of merely because of a lack of motivation, I am proud of myself for having the kind of self-discipline to stick to the books even when doing so seemed pointless and persevered in an atmosphere that was anything but uplifting.
Hello FP thanks for revising my essay previously. I want to suggest that you revise your use of contractions for example: friend's -the apostraphe might not be needed their.
Also, look into this sentence carefully:
Knowing people that have given up in what they hoped and dreamed of merely because of a lack of motivation, (right here this sentence become incomplete-finish your thought, include a period and then go on with I am.) I am proud of myself for having the kind of self-discipline to..
Congratulations on staying out of trouble and persevering amidst negativity.
The essay as a whole sounds pretty good to me.
I don't know if you've finished editing or not, but I did catch a few very minor mistakes.
For instance, "there was about twelve or eleven people in the living room" should be " there were about twelve or eleven people in the living room."
Another one that I caught was this: "who have actually took their education seriously" should be "who have actually taken their education seriously."
Aside from those two minor flaws I'd say you're good to go.
