Growing up with a single, military mother- PENN STATE ESSAY REVIEW

Since I got so many helpful responses on my last post, I figured why not post again? I will take all the feedback I can get, especially with the looming deadlines.

I really need help with the ending, as I have no idea on how to wrap this up.... (NOTE: I am going in Undeclared!) I feel as though this essay is really messy but I have no idea how to make it stronger...

Here is the prompt for Penn State's Personal Statement:
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

Growing up with a single parent is an experience that causes many to feel a little rushed in their race to maturity. However, growing up with a single mother who is in the military, I had to reach that finish line with record-breaking time. When I was a child, my mother would deploy often, I would stay with my daycare lady. I came home to good meals, a warm bed, and people I considered family. My only responsibility was to do well in school so that my mother could come to Honor Roll achievements on the fridge and smiles on our faces. My mother missed out on some birthdays, some laughs, and some tears, but overall I would say that my childhood was fulfilling. As I got older, however, my list of chores grew, and so did my struggles. When my mother deployed for 6 months when I was 16, I was on my own. It was up to me maintain my grades. It was up to me to walk to work in order to put a little bit of food on the table. It was up to me to take care of my handicapped sibling. It was up to me to understand and work with my mother's PTSD. But most importantly, it was up to me to become an adult. When my mother was gone, I increased my workload. I pushed myself. I wanted to overcome my personal and academic barriers. Luckily, I met this goal and came out stronger than before. Despite how difficult this was for me initially, that experience taught me perseverance, determination, independence, and gave me a newfound strength. These are important skills that I will carry with me forever, and that will prepare me for new environments and rigorous academics. I no longer cower at the idea of hardships, I instead welcome them. I believe that there is a level of growth that one can only reach when they are pushed to their limits. I know that leaving home and attending college is most likely going to be a hardship. But I am prepared to be pushed, pulled, and to come out stronger. When looking at schools to apply to, I was looking for a school that offers a large, diverse community. I was looking for a school that would challenge me. I found these characteristics and more in Penn State. Although I am coming in as an undeclared major, I know that with Penn State, the academic opportunities are unlimited. I can study the deep effects of PTSD. I can work hard and in turn help people who struggled in the same way as I did. I know that by attending Penn State, my mother can come home to good grades and a smile on my face once again.

Hey Janaye, first up, we have got to get you working out the paragraph formatting of this essay. It is way too compressed and won't be easy to read for the reviewer. I know I found myself losing my place a few times because the topic discussions were strewn all together. Just dividing the paragraphs into topics and using the enter key to create a space in between paragraphs will definitely solve that problem.

As for the content, you need to explain who you came home to after daycare. You said your mom was deployed, so who raised you when she was on assignment? Most specially, why did you end up having to become the adult at the age of 16? These underlying factors can help explain your matured outlook and sense of responsibility. More importantly, when you speak of your mother's PTSD, describe how it affected you and why you felt you had to become the adult in the family. Is your mother incapable of caring for you and your sibling? Is that why you had to mature faster than the others?

The essay actually delivers strongly on proving how you are prepared not only for the rigors of Penn State, but also the rigors of a college life in general. Which is something that most college applicants these days lack. You don't need to refer to your interest in studying PTSD, that is not a required prompt element so you should not discuss that at all. Just focus on proving your life and survival skills and the essay will be great. Replace the PTSD discussion with the information about how you grew up. When you aged out of daycare, who took care of you? Did that person teach you how to become responsible for yourself? Who taught you that you had to be responsible for your special needs sibling? What kind of abilities did you have to develop in order to care for him. her? Those are the types of information that will help to deliver the idea that you are going to more than just survive at Penn State. You will achieve.

@Holt
Thank you again for your response! As for who looked after me after daycare, it was my mother. She went on multiple, shorter assignments instead of long ones that I guess most people see/are most common. For example, I stayed with my daycare lady for the year she was deployed then went home with my mom when she returned. I had to become an adult mainly because I ultimately became the head of household all at once, and out of nowhere. The day after Christmas my mom left for deployment, then it was up to me. My mother luckily isn't handicapped by her PTSD, but her triggers and the emotional distress was alien to me at the time, and it was hard watching her become like that. She was also actually injured on that deployment (leg/hip) but I didn't think it was important enough to include. Should I?

I guess my mother always did try to prepare us for being on our own which is most likely why I didn't struggle as much as I could have. My older brother is actually epileptic, as well as deeper mental issues that are, I guess, unimportant to this essay. My care for him followed me at the same school we attended when I had to watch him collapse and time the seizures. I also had to make sure he was taking his medicine- help him regain his bearings afterwards, etc. (Is this too much information? Haha!)

But again, thank you for your response! I will work on this essay after school today and come back to you with an improved one!~

Yes, you should definitely explain the situation about your mother's PTSD and your brother's Epilepsy because those situations further show how you react to situations that are beyond your control. The fact that you manage to deal accurately with the PTSD triggers and can help your brother recover from his bouts show that you have the ability to succeed at Penn state, even under the most unfortunate, time essential, and unexpected circumstances. So don't hold back on that information. Detail it in a way that highlights your ability to adapt and react to situations that not every teenager your age would have to deal with or can manage to deal with successfully. If you can, try to mention something about how you expect those skills that you learned to help you in a hypothetical situation at Penn State. Something related to classes, exams, research, or projects where the situation could easily spin out of your control.

When you are applying to college, too much information, that is relevant to the prompt is better than trying to present irrelevant information as relevant. Hahaha! You can always choose which information you would be willing to share or up to how much information about your personal life you can share. It's really all up to you.