What are the top five reasons you want to be a Hokie? (250 word max)
While growing up, I never understood the foreign phenomenon of college pride. I thought, "Why did people love these schools so much? It's only a school," - and I was wrong. Walking into Lane Stadium for the first time, I immediately felt that Hokie community, and a sense of belongingness to a school that I didn't even attend. From that moment on, I wanted to be a Hokie.
While sitting in my seat, I looked around and saw a heterogeneous mix of students, and I got a feel of the acceptance and diversity that Tech encompasses. Growing up in a predominantly Caucasian area, it was easy to feel out of place and undesirable to some people because of my Hispanic background. However, while observing the students interacting with one another, I knew that if I were to go to Tech, I would be accepted for more than my ethnicity.
After my visit there, I researched what the school had to offer to me, and after seeing that the business school is 23rd in the country, I knew that I would be receiving quality education, which only made Tech more desirable.
Another perk of Tech is the verdant campus. The beauty of Virginia Tech reminds me of home in northern Virginia, which allows me to feel cozy up in the Blue Ridge Mountains. I only dream to be a part of this Hokie family, where I can finally understand what college pride is.
Okie dokie, first time posting! I'm not too much of an essay writer myself but I can point out some basic stuff.
Walking into Lane Stadium for the first time, I immediately felt that Hokie community,and a sense of belongingness to a school that I didn't even attend.
That Hokie community what? I think you forgot to expand on this point. The part in blue I feel you put too early in the statement without explaining why you felt a sense of belonging (not belongingness). Luckily your next sentence few sentences support that statement so you should chronologically rearrange your sentences, first describe the experience then say as a result you felt a sense of belonging.
Also I don't think you really explained what college pride is... What at the open house(?) showed you college pride? Was it the friendliness of the Virginia Tech students? The professors? Did the school put on a cheer performance? What specifically at Virginia Tech impressed you or showed you the enrolled students had pride? Anyone can say they love the students and hope to be part of a community at any university.
Last thing, just a stylistic opinion, but I think you should change "I only dream..." to something like "I hope to..." or "I look forward to..." Something more positive. "Dream" might imply that you think it's out of your league or that you're completely consumed with going to Virginia Tech. I hope this post is the first step towards improving your essay! Good luck!
