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"I have grown up on two continents" - Common App Personal Essay on Diversity


talanchi 1 / 1  
Dec 13, 2009   #1
Hi,

Please see below for my Common App essay on diversity, I would really appreciate it if you could give me some constructive criticism on how to improve it. I'm particularly worried that it is not as relevant and specific as it could/should be.

Thank you all in advance!
Chi

A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

I have grown up on two continents, in three countries, speaking four languages. Insofar, my life is a living catalogue: The Vietnamese Years, The Czech Years, The German Years, The British Years. The labels are distinct points in a running narrative that is my life.

My family emigrated from Vietnam, then going through the Doi Moi reform, to Eastern Europe in pursuit of a better life. The gradual achievement of this purpose allowed for fascinating observation: step-by-step, I was able to trace my family's ascent through various socio-economic groups as well as the changes that the increase in material means was making on my development. Essentially, I was able to get a view from the inside of the different "classes" and "cultures", allowing me to see more than just one side of a conflict.

Arguably, conflicts arise because no party can ever fully appreciate the perspective of another, as one's opinions and outlook are inherently contingent on one's position. This limited view can often lead to misunderstanding and, given my personal background, I have realized just how important it is to be careful in judging others. It is easy to label people and to judge them accordingly, but I have learnt that to truly understand someone, one must step back and resist from judging him at face value. It is impossible as well as meaningless to analyze something in a metaphorical test tube, taken out of context. Insofar, I try to view everything as a means towards an end rather than an end in itself.

For instance, if someone would like to gain an accurate idea of who I am, it would be nonsensical to try to do so by analyzing single points in my life: 6 years old, currently attending state school; 12 years old - currently attending private international school; 15 years old: currently attending boarding school abroad; 18 years old: currently on a gap year. This approach would be no different from picking random pictures, one by one, from a photo album and analyzing them separately. You can see that if these four snapshots of me were to be looked at in isolation, it would be easy to think that they are in fact pictures of four different individuals rather than of just one.

Consequently, it follows that to take anything out of context is to put it in danger of misrepresentation and misunderstanding. The key to the accurate portrayal and understanding of someone is to flash all the pictures in his photo album to create a series of moving pictures. No, I am not who I was or who I looked to become at 5, 12, 15 or 18 years old, but I am what the aggregate of my experiences has made me to be.

Ultimately, I hope to contribute to the diversity in a college community not only by bringing my own diversity or life experiences but, more importantly, by bringing my perspective borne out of those - I believe that diversity can only be beneficial when it is understood and respected.
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
my life is a living catalogue

somewhat pretentious, but we'll see...

Essentially, I was able to get a view from the inside of the different "classes" and "cultures", allowing me to see more than just one side of a conflict.

so I take this as your broad perspective?

learnt

nice british touch

Insofar

second time you use it, watch out

I try to view everything as a means towards an end rather than an end in itself.

what does this have to do with judging?

For instance, if someone would like to gain an accurate idea of who I am, it would be nonsensical to try to do so by analyzing single points in my life

too brutal of a change of subject, some transition?

four different individuals rather than of just one.

mm...
how you did merge those identities? are you 4 in 1? unless you clarify, the admin will won't know if you overcame the cultural clashes

but I am what the aggregate of my experiences has made me to be.

how? it's not easy to overcome the cultural barrier...

- I believe that diversity can only be beneficial when it is understood and respected.

by saying this, you hint that your essay explain what diversity is...and i don't think that immigration = diversity

it really depends on where you're applying. all i can say is that if it's for ivy, then this essay won't help you much

realize that diversity isn't simply having immigrated to many places. If it were, then wouldn't a person who immigrated to 15 different countries be more diverse then you? does that mean that that person would have a higher chance of getting in a school that looks for diversity?

diversity is psychological. It's what makes you unique, and that's not cuz you've immigrated. i myself wrote essays on this topic, and realized that being an immigrant isn't the special part, it's how you reacted to that that makes you unique. you're lucky to go to these places, but it's unfair if that gives you an advantage over somebody who didn't go. Immigration alone doesn't prove anything, it's what you've done with it that does

i think that to write an essay that'll help you getting in your dream college, you have to understand diversity. realize that what you have is great, but it's what you've done with your opportunities that really matters to the admin.
OP talanchi 1 / 1  
Dec 13, 2009   #3
this essay won't help you much

Wow, took me a second to get over your critique! Thanks for your reply though, it's really helpful to see someone else's reaction to your essay.

talanchi:
my life is a living catalogue
somewhat pretentious

I was actually thinking about taking this sentence out; not because I think it is pretentious but because I just don't think it makes a whole lot of sense. I do think that anyone's life is a catalogue, in a sense, it's just made up of different sections with different labels.

talanchi:
Essentially, I was able to get a view from the inside of the different "classes" and "cultures", allowing me to see more than just one side of a conflict.
so I take this as your broad perspective?

I think it's the main 'perspective' that I'm trying to get across (quite unsuccessfully at the moment, needs rewording!).

talanchi:
learnt
nice british touch

I didn't think of it as a 'touch' but thanks! :)

talanchi:
Insofar
second time you use it, watch out

Actually, someone else told me not to use 'insofar' I'm quite curious...is it an awkward expression?

talanchi:
I try to view everything as a means towards an end rather than an end in itself.
what does this have to do with judging?

You're right, I'm having issues with the whole third paragraph at the moment..

talanchi:
For instance, if someone would like to gain an accurate idea of who I am, it would be nonsensical to try to do so by analyzing single points in my life
too brutal of a change of subject, some transition?

Well that (somehow, in my muddled brain) leads on as an example of the 'judging' but I guess now it's going out the window with the other issue.

talanchi:
four different individuals rather than of just one.
mm...
how you did merge those identities? are you 4 in 1? unless you clarify, the admin will won't know if you overcame the cultural clashes

Hm, I think you misunderstood me here. Rather than talking about how I overcame cultural clashes (actually never mentioned that) or 'merged identities', I was using that as an example of how you can misunderstand someone if you judge them on single impressions rather than as a whole. The point is not that I have multiple identities but that, through my experience, I have learnt not to be superficial in judging others. Does that make better sense?

talanchi:
but I am what the aggregate of my experiences has made me to be.
how? it's not easy to overcome the cultural barrier...

This statement is quite general and I think that it applies to everyone, not just to me - isn't everyone the product of all their experiences and isn't that what makes them, them? What does overcoming 'the cultural barrier' have to do with personal identity?

talanchi:
- I believe that diversity can only be beneficial when it is understood and respected.

by saying this, you hint that your essay explain what diversity is...and i don't think that immigration = diversity

I hope I'm not hinting that; rather, I'm trying to explain how I have come to embrace/respect diversity through my own experiences...I think you'll find that I'm not really saying "immigration = diversity". Although I made it clear that I'm an immigrant, I was trying to focus more on the

view from the inside of the different "classes" and "cultures"

. I don't think that "immigration = diversity" either, for argument's sake there are plenty of non-integrated immigrants who are the opposite of diverse.

realize that diversity isn't simply having immigrated to many places.

I do agree with you and I think that you would have realised that, had you bothered read the essay. Note the ending:

I hope to contribute to the diversity in a college community not only by bringing my own diversity or life experiences but, more importantly, by bringing my perspective borne out of those

So in a nutshell, I'm saying what you're saying. While I think that living in lots of countries helps to nurture a "diverse" mind, anyone can develop a "diverse perspective" - which is exactly what I want to contribute.

I'm truly sorry if my response comes across as over defensive at times, please know that it's partly just trying to defend my own work to myself:) I know that it's far from perfect and I'm grateful for your help in improving it! (And I'd be even more grateful if I could get more advice from more people!)
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 13, 2009   #4
I was actually thinking about taking this sentence out; not because I think it is pretentious but because I just don't think it makes a whole lot of sense. I do think that anyone's life is a catalogue, in a sense, it's just made up of different sections with different labels.

I agree with the part about the sections, but no one's life "embodies" diversity, if you know what i mean

I didn't think of it as a 'touch' but thanks! :)

well usually it's learned
kinda like toward and towards. both r accepted, but one is for british and the other american

Actually, someone else told me not to use 'insofar' I'm quite curious...is it an awkward expression?

no, but it's not common, so once should be better. It might just be that I rarely see it tho.

Hm, I think you misunderstood me here. Rather than talking about how I overcame cultural clashes (actually never mentioned that) or 'merged identities', I was using that as an example of how you can misunderstand someone if you judge them on single impressions rather than as a whole.

I understand your point here, but realize that the identity issue is very very widespread among immigrants. What are we? asian? american? do we know enough of each culture to call ourselves one or the other? So by mentioning the fact that you're a combination, but not actually going in depth about how you merged these cultures can be misleading

I have learnt not to be superficial in judging others.

this might be the problem i have about your thesis.
i personally wrote an essay on the same topic and talked about the things I learned. But then, my english teacher read it and said: I could learn thing by working at a lemonade stand, so what makes the things you learn so invaluable? Again, it's not because you moved to those places that makes you special, it's how you've reacted and acted to/upon the change.

This statement is quite general and I think that it applies to everyone, not just to me - isn't everyone the product of all their experiences and isn't that what makes them, them? What does overcoming 'the cultural barrier' have to do with personal identity?

yes, the result apply to some (not everyone, as I said, a lot of them still struggle with identity), but the process isn't. How you overcame this barrier shows your psychology and your strength of character. If this is not personal, then what is? i mean, we all learn to not judge a book by its cover, but immigration has to be more than that.

I hope I'm not hinting that; rather, I'm trying to explain how I have come to embrace/respect diversity through my own experiences

but what is diversity? You focus on your immigration and how you've learned to view things differently, but ultimately, what makes you different?
take another immigrant, what in your immigration makes you different than him/her?

I believe that diversity can only be beneficial when it is understood and respected.

well, you do say that "when it is understood", if your essay doesn't cover the meaning of diversity, how can you put this statement in your conclusion?

I don't think that "immigration = diversity" either, for argument's sake there are plenty of non-integrated immigrants who are the opposite of diverse.

yes, and many non-immigrants who are absolutely diverse. So what is diversity?

my own diversity or life experiences

by using "or" you pretty much state that diversity = your life experiences or immigration...or it might be just my misunderstanding

, by bringing my perspective borne out of those

perspective can be achieved through anything, not necessarily immigration. therefore, it's kind of a waste by focusing on perspective.

While I think that living in lots of countries helps to nurture a "diverse" mind, anyone can develop a "diverse perspective"

well, it's great that you think this way. But your essay focuses on the immigration part of diversity, which could be misleading

I'm truly sorry if my response comes across as over defensive at times

haha, you could've thought of this before you question whether I read your essay...just saying

I'm not trying to demean your efforts or anything, but i myself wrote an essay about the things I learned through immigration: hardworking, perseverant... which isn't too far from the perspective you gained from immigration. But I realized after a session with my teacher that what you've gained from immigration is far from being diverse. You could learn any of this anywhere else. However, what makes immigration so special is its process. It's what you've done and how you've reacted to the traumatizing event.

It's really not easy to come to a new environment, and the fact that you could adapt really differentiate you from other candidates, rather than simply talking about the things you've acquired, which could apply to absolutely anybody.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 15, 2009   #5
The labels are distinct points in a running narrative that is my life.

Right after this sentence, give one more sentence in order to tell the reader clearly what your answer to the question is. What is the experience that demonstrates the importance of diversity to you? Tell the answer at the end of that first para, and the reader will be impressed with the structure of your essay.


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