"Will you be my guest for prom?" - Spelman College

Spelman Admissions Essay
Seeking knowledge and commitment to service are integral parts of the Spelman experience. Discuss and illustrate ways you have shown your commitment in these areas.

So this is my first paragraph, but i don't know where to go after that. Some editing and suggestions would help also. THANKS (:

"Will you be my guest for prom?" a freshman girl asked. I was confused. I didn't know her, she just entered high school, there's no way she could go to prom. As we sat and talked she explained that it was a prom for kids diagnosed with cancer. She was diagnosed with brain cancer when she was only six years old. Even though I didn't know her, I took on the opportunity. I didn't know much about childhood cancer, so I took the time to do some research. It amazed me to realize how many children were affected by it and I wanted to be involved and know more.

I didn't know her, and as she had just entered high school, there was no way she could go to prom.

As we sat and talked, she explained that it was a prom for kids diagnosed with cancer.

It amazed me to realize how many children were affected by it, and I wanted to become involved and knowlearn more.

I take it that you're going into health care? If this was what got you interested, it's a great beginning to your essay. Just go on from there and say what your plans are and what you have done so far towards achieving your goal.

:)