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The Guidelines to the Sensible Life + Sports athlete, Notre Dame-Which one to choose?

Davina22 1 / 5  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
There are three notre dame supplement that I wrote

but I have to choose one.

Please tell me which one would be better to send to college.
Also please correct me with the grammar and other stuff

All Suggestions and criticisms are welcome!!

3. The curriculum offered at Notre Dame varies from what you might expect (e.g. Introduction to Biological Sciences, Accountancy) to topics you might not (e.g. Theology and Engineering, Friendship: From Aristotle to Facebook). If you could introduce a new course and serve as the expert instructor, what would it be and why?

The name of the course would be: The Guidelines to the Sensible Life. This course is designed for the enriching life of Notre Dame students. Specifically, the course will cover three general parts of one's life; the college life, working life, and social life. The course will require students to make thorough profiles of life's ordeals, and the professor will teach students how to deal with those events wisely. For example, the course will teach students how to survive from hardcore party, how to refuse friends' excessive request without hurting their feelings, or even how to revenge on the annoying boss without getting caught. These guidelines are essential for the successful life especially in this time period because people these days are highly social and emotional. Most colleges would rather focus more on knowledge-based intelligence, but emotional intelligences are significant in today's society. This course will guarantee Notre Dame students' smooth social life during and after college.

5. Why are you interested in attending the University of Notre Dame?

"Even if you don't love sports, like me, Notre Dame will make an athlete out of you by the time you graduate." This one sentence that I read from Notre Dame's student life pamphlet got me. Notre Dame has been on my "interested" list because of its strong pre-medical program, demanding liberal arts education and beautiful campus, but the reason why Notre Dame is special to me is because of its athletics.

Even though I was never good at sports, I always wanted to be an athlete. The intention is not to look cool or anything but to have the community spirit. The true value of sports is that it brings people together. Notre Dame's dynamic intramural sports bring the student together and unite them as one big family. In terms of college spirit and student bonding, Notre Dame is the best college in the nation. This spirit in the campus is what I have been seeking since I came to the US, and that is why Notre Dame is a perfect match.

OP Davina22 1 / 5  
Dec 30, 2010   #2
I know. but I have 4 writings. I have to give up one. Which one should I eliminate between these two?
brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 30, 2010   #3
oh ok, I definitely like the second one better :)
prince_johri 3 / 14  
Dec 30, 2010   #4
i love the first one though you should change your sentence structure. Its weak
you repeat will teach, course (like somebody already said) too many times
your writing get a bit repetitive and you use this, that, these alot as well. Be clear!
hellopark 3 / 8  
Dec 30, 2010   #5
Hi there! I also wrote the Notre Dame supplements so it was really cool to read your answers to the questions. :) I would have to pick the second one, it was really interesting to read and it seemed like it meant a lot to you.

If you are to pick the first one, my suggestion would be to explain more about why this class is significant to you. You do an excellent job on describing what the class would be (unique class too!), however, I think you forgot to mention why you would serve to be the "expert leader". If you cover that part of the question, this would be a great choice as well.

Good luck! ^_^
issallme5 2 / 35  
Dec 30, 2010   #6
I also like your second one..it's more interesting and tells more about you...

Okay, I have a question for you guys..
I wrote my Notre Dame essays and all of them are around 180 words.
the college said approximately 150 words...do you think it's way over the word limit???I
Reading all the other essays, I think i'm the only one who wrote so much...
brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 30, 2010   #7
All of mine are around 180 words actually, so hopefully its fine!
moealrob 3 / 13  
Dec 30, 2010   #8
I would definetly go with the second one. Try to make your essays close to the limit "150words" as much as you can.
Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 30, 2010   #9
I have one that is 200 words and one that is 190 so I need to do some edits but I have no idea what to cut anymore.

I would say go with the second essay but instead of using you, use I so that the essay is more centered around you. You may want to vary your sentence structure because you begin two sentences with even, three sentences with the and two sentences with Notre Dame. and two sentences with this.

Please take a look at my Notre Dame essays as well.
OP Davina22 1 / 5  
Dec 30, 2010   #10
Thank you guys I appreciate it.
So I'll send why Notre Dame essay instead of introduction of new course...
Can you guys pick between these two as well??
I know, I wrote a lot for this and now I'm struggling cuz I have to pick which one to send...

Thank you!!

2. What is one small detail in the world that you notice and wish others did, too?

As an Asian student who is from another country, most people who I meet for the first time usually ask whether I'm Chinese or Japanese. After I identify that I'm actually Korean, people immediately ask the question as if they were bounded to ask -"Are you from North or South?"

Most people in the United States are aware of that Korea is still divided. Also they understand that North is communist country that is so-called "bad side" -even though Sarah Palin is still confused. However, most people don't know that in communist country people are not allowed to leave the country. Also due to the strong dictatorship and propaganda, most North Koreans are brainwashed to hate or to be scared of the United States. Even though this limitation of freedom and distortion of the truth in North Korea is critical issue, people in the US are unaware of the seriousness. Initially I wished people in the world to be aware of the difference between North and South Korea, but I wish people to notice the situation in Korean Peninsula.

4. Tell us about a time when you have surprised others or yourself by doing something unexpected.

I was shocked when I found out that one of my important immigration forms was missing from my folder when the airplane landed on the JFK airport. I could be sent back to Korea, but that was not the reason why I was surprised. I was surprised at myself because I realized that I hadn't grown up since elementary school. I was only an immature ninth grader entering a foreign country with no families or friends around to depend on. I realized that it was time for me to grow up. At the airport security office, I did my best to explain everything with my short English. l asked to make a phone call to the immigration agency in Korea to see if I could get the document by fax. After listening to my long explanation and waiting for the fax, the officer nodded and banged the green stamp on my visa at last. As I stepped on the other side of the glass door of JFK airport, I was surprised at myself once again because I felt myself growing up.
brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 30, 2010   #11
I like the first one better
peachyreese 2 / 9  
Dec 30, 2010   #12
I like the 4th one better. Do we need a title for our personal common app essay?
closethefridge 1 / 6  
Dec 30, 2010   #13
Of the first two, id definitely go with the second one, it sounds a lot more personal than the first. Out of the second set I like the second one again, for similar reasons. The first seems more bland, and although you obviously have ties to Korea, i think the second gives the reader a better sense of who you might be.
OP Davina22 1 / 5  
Dec 30, 2010   #14
In terms of grammar and other stuff. are they ok??

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