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The Gulf of Mexico, engulfed in black oil - Prelude - Texas A&M

DuncanDonut 1 / -  
Oct 19, 2014   #1
Apply Texas Essay Topic C
Considering your lifetime goals, discuss how your current and future academic and extra-curricular
activities might help you achieve your goals.

The Gulf of Mexico, engulfed in black oil. The communities of the surrounding areas all crippled, choking in the thick blackness that was the Deepwater Horizon oil rig. The deserts of Kuwait lit ablaze in the wake of Saddam Hussein's rage, trumping the ranks of environmental catastrophes, the raging fires sprung from the oil fields frothing thirty million barrels worth of oil. The revolution of mass media allowed the entire world to witness these environmental disasters up close and personal. I was particularly intrigued by these events due to both my parents' employment in the oil and gas industries, staffing Chevron and Cameron. The substantial damage left in the wake of these calamities prompted me to ask the question: "How can I prevent such future disasters?" A question that has shepherded my actions to the benefits and safety I will contribute to the Petroleum Engineering discipline.

The relevancy of the aforementioned events strongly motivated me to opt for a rigorous class schedule in order to challenge and prepare myself for obstacles that I could face in the field. Science grew to be my favorite subject of my studies, I relished how effortlessly I could apply the maths and theory I acquired in class to real-world scenarios. I've enrolled in all Pre-AP science courses throughout my high school career, the most recent of which addition of AP Chemistry my senior year following my notion to build a healthy foundation in which my engineering education can take roost in the future. Additionally, my core furthered by taking part in challenging math classes, continuing through to my current, senior year with the addition of BC Calculus to my schedule. The culmination of these classes' preparations will greatly benefit my understanding of future Engineering concepts.

Outside of my regular school routine, Orchestra became my musical escape from the daily grind. My love for Violin and the "family" feel of the orchestra program started with small beginnings, a small suggestion from my piano teacher at the advent of Junior High. Since then, the strings have solidified music as one of the most impactful and enjoyable outlets to ease myself into to abscond the stresses of day to day life. Nowhere else could I find release and acceptance than the yellow-stained ivory piano keys, the gentle sloping curves and elegance of the violin, or the warmth and support from the fraternity of the Orchestra. The renowned "Future Business Leaders of America" program I took up, competing amongst the brightest students in the Lone Star State. Young and old, needy and ever-toiling, peoples of all backgrounds and stories imaginable I was able to collaborate with. After placing 1st in the Computer Problem Solving event in Texas, I was pitted against the other respective winners of the all the participating states at the National Leadership Conference held in Nashville, Tennessee.

I am confident my preparations and involvements will carry me to heights and possibilities where I can positively affect the petroleum engineering community. My agenda for the future includes enlisting in the celebrated SPE, or Society of Petroleum Engineers in order to solidify and develop my position in the ever-growing clique of Petroleum Engineers. The time has come to leap into the fascinating world of engineering to contribute all I am able to give.

:: I was thinking of reordering the paragraphs, specifically the middle two maybe, and elaborating more on my motivations?
Also, a better fitting title

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 20, 2014   #2
This is excellent, inspired writing. I bet you will go through quite a process in the way you think about your chosen field of study.

One possible problem is that your first several sentences are incomplete. They are fragments because they don't have a subject and predicate. For example, you an add "has been":

The Gulf of Mexico has been engulfed in black oil.

That takes some of the poetry out of the writing, but in a formal essay like this it's possibly bad to use poetic license to the extent that you are using sentence fragments.

The relevancy of the aforementioned events strongly motivated--- this seems too fancy. Fancy language always seems fake. It's best to keep it simple. Some words, like 'aforementioned' really do not belong in any kind of writing except maybe legal writing, lol. That is just my own silly opinion, though!

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