I feel that the repetition for the ending is a bit bland and doesnt flow so well in particular. Greatly appreciated if I could receive some input on the essay as a whole as well.
Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I had not the faintest idea of what was to come that day. I was seven years old, imagining that I would just have another long day of school as usual. I woke up and got out of bed to get some breakfast. As I descended to the final steps of the stairs, I saw my mother on the floor, crying. I ran towards her, and the next thing I knew, I was facing the barrel of a gun. Then it became evident: we were being robbed.
It was all too much to comprehend at first. I only saw robberies in cartoon shows and movies before, and now it was happening right before my eyes. My eyes were fearfully fixated on the gun, staring down the thick barrel of darkness. Then they shifted to the robber himself: his face was masked, except for the slits where his black, piercing eyes laid. With his gun he motioned for me to get on the floor like my mother, and I willingly obeyed. My hands were vigorously tied together with thick ropes and my eyes blinded by numerous layers of duct tape. Petrified, I began to sweat all over, saturating the carpet beneath me. I was then dragged onto my feet by a strong pair of arms, and ushered into what I sensed was my mother's bedroom, where I was seated on the floor. I heard footsteps ominously pacing about the room, along with the nervous pounding of my heart. After what seemed like hours, everything was silent, except for the sound of my own knees shaking. As I began to relax myself, I felt something hard and cold digging into the side of my skull, horrifying me in a matter of milliseconds. Tears began to form, overwhelming my face with salt water. "I'm going to die," I thought to myself. I began to pray silently, asking God for mercy upon my life. For a brief moment, I thought I was already dead; I could no longer the cold barrel against my head. Suddenly, the blindfold was slowly unwrapped from my face, revealing my mother's worried face. Hugging me furiously, she shouted: "He's gone! We're safe!" God had answered my prayers after all, He had saved me.
The face of death was just before me, and I prevailed. I wiped my tears away, and purged myself of all the fear that I felt just moments before. Picking myself up, I smiled and tried to comfort my mother. There was no need to be afraid. In His presence I would protected and guided at all times, no matter how adverse the circumstances. Never again from this day on, did I back down from anything.
There are many more challenges to come, and this was just the beginning. Never again will I flinch in fear or shed a tear. I will face every one of these obstacles, every gun barrel, without a hint of fear or retreat; nothing will hinder me. I will attempt to overcome each and every one of life's obstacles with the utmost effort, drive myself to the point of triumph and nothing less. I will be the very definition of courage, determination, and success.
and this is nearing the absolute word limit by a few words or so. Is it any better?
Okay, I hate to have to say this, but you may want to consider rewriting this. Tell the story with as much imagery as you possibly can. Make the whole scene vivid and scary. Then you need to discuss how the event relates to who you are in more than just the conclusion. Since it looks like you have a lower word limit, I would use half the essay to describe the event, and the other half to how it has made you stronger as a person.
I'm sorry you had to go through something like this, but an admissions essay is where this horrible experience is actually going to help you out quite a bit. This is something that will set you apart, so put your best foot forward in writing about it.
Good Luck to you!
I mean descriptive words, not just what you saw. What did you hear, smell, and feel? If that doesn't help you, try bringing by your English teacher and asking for help. He/she might be able to better explain what the essay needs better than I can.
