Hi! I am working on my FSU essay and would like any help I can get. Any suggestions or corrections on technical errors or content would be great! Thank you!
Also, I tried making paragraphing by indenting each new paragraph, but the program would not allow me to do so. So i just ended up putting a double space in between each new paragraph!
Prompt: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
My essay:
"Guys stop it!" were words I often found myself saying as a seven year old girl. Even as a little girl, when I saw my two best friends fighting, I could not resist the urge to stop and help them out. Although I might have been a little annoying as I presented the issue in a judicial manner, asking each of the girls to give their side of the story, I meant well. I could not bear the sight of my best friends fighting and always felt the obligation to fix the problem in hopes of the two forgiving each other.
Ten years later, in a somewhat different way, I still always find myself trying to help others. Every time I see one of my classmates struggling to solve a math problem or interpret the meaning of a literary passage, something kicks in me that urges myself to help that person. However, the best part is seeing one smile as he or she says "oooohhh" as the math problem or meaning of the english passage finally clicks and makes sense to he or she. The overall feeling I get as I help someone is exhilarating and better than any chocolate cake(which I crave on a daily, perhaps minute basis) I come across.
With whichever career I end up pursuing in the future, I hope to instill my selfless and charitable mores towards others. I find that life is short and if you spend it doing something you do not enjoy, you will only resent yourself. Although I am still undecided as to what specific career I want to pursue, I positively know that it will involve me significantly helping others, whether that means I be a teacher, psychologist, or even a lawyer.
As a child and now as an young adult, I find helping others to be invigorating and enriching. As my parents taught me as a child to put others before myself, I have realized that in reality such a concept is not always possible. However, if we find those moments in which we can in the littlest ways make one's day better, we must take advantage and embody it in every way possible. As I read the prompt which contained the latin word, mores, which refers to several meanings, i found the word "character" to stand apart from the rest. Who I am as a person is the force and drive of my life and its actions. The helpful and sympathetic person that I am today has caused me not only to better the lives of others, but also myself. Wherever my future leads me, I will make sure to personify this concept of character and intellectual strength by making an impact on others lives in hopes of making a difference.
I think that's a pretty good first draft. I just want to point out that when writing this do not use the word "you" in your 3rd paragraph but "one" because using you will make the essay seem too informal.
Hmm... You want an unvarnished response? You don't come off as particularly likable in this essay. It's one thing to say "guys, stop it" because you can't bear fighting, quite another to set yourself up as the judge (a position of superiority) who will decide (rather than mediate) the dispute. Similarly, it's one thing to respond generously to a request for help, quite another to meddle in a classmate's work, taking it upon yourself to decide that she or he needs your help. People need to puzzle out math problems and literary passages on their own and may or may not like it if a self-appointed tutor steps in.
Maybe others will feel differently, but I feel you should revise considerably, choosing a focus other than "I'm so helpful" as your theme.
Ah yes i was going back and forth between you and one. I felt you was too informal, but also more personal so i decided to use it. but yeah i agree, to be safe, i should stick with "one." Thank you!
You're welcome!!! =]
okay simone i can understand how it can be interpreted in such a way. However, by "stop it" I meant for the two to stop fighting. and sometimes someone has to take control, in which i did, and keep in mind i was a seven year old. i wasnt trying to be superior. and second of all when i see my classmates grunting and saying i dont get it, i usually take that as a sign that they dont get it and need help. im not trying by any means to brag, although the college guidance counselors say this a time to brag, but i am trying to point out my charitable character and how i hope to instill it in my future and hopefully have an impact on others lives for the better.
anyways thanks for your suggestions
I really love the way you start your argument, It is so brave,.. But I am not sure if the type of the essay you are writing can be this much informal or the readers are this much open to accept this much informality...
and one point : As a child and now as an young adult, I find helping others to be invigorating and enriching. As my parents taught me as a child to put others before myself,..
As I read the prompt which
i see for "as " in one line, may be u need to rewrite the sentence.
at the end i liked it..
hope you success..
mina sedaghatir, thnak you very much! and actually good news. my dad just helped me to make it more formal. if yall would be so kind to review it again...i changed quite a lot, that would be great!
When I read the prompt, the word character, signifying mores, stood out from the rest. When all is said and done, a person's character and reputation is all that one really has. Furthermore, a person's character is the driving force behind his or her actions and principles.
My parents have taught me to always put others before myself. They have instilled in me to try to be helpful and empathetic. This character trait has compelled me to try to better the lives of others which, in turn, has enriched my own life. If we find those moments in which we can make another person's day better or easier, then we must seize the opportunity to be altruistic.
"Guys stop fighting!" were words I often found myself saying in elementary school. Even as a little girl, when I saw my close friends fighting, I could not resist the urge to try and help resolve their differences. Although it might have been a little annoying as I attempted to mediate the dispute, I meant well. It saddened me to see my friends fighting, and I felt obligated to "fix the problem" with my ultimate goal being to have the two make-up and forgive each other.
Now, roughly ten years later, I still find myself trying to help others whenever I can. Every time I see one of my classmates struggling to solve a math problem or interpret the meaning of a literary passage, something inside requires me to assist that person. Rather than just working each summer in high school, I have also volunteered at various non-profit organizations in order to help young children and others in need. My reward for helping individuals is seeing the smile on his or her face whether it involves a classmate or one of my young students grasping a concept. The feeling I get from helping someone is gratifying to the point of being invigorating. It is even better than any chocolate cake I might have had (which I crave on a daily, perhaps hourly, basis).
Although I am still undecided whether I want to pursue a career as a teacher, psychologist or a lawyer, I am positive that it will focus on helping others. Regardless of what the future holds for me, I am certain that these aspects of my character will allow me to make an impact on other's lives.
Can someone please read my essay again and tell me what you think? I have revised it and hopefully it is better.
Good essay overall. A few minor things:
"They have instilled in me
to try to be helpful
ness and empath
y ."
If we find those moments in which we can make another person's day better or easier, then we must seize the opportunity to be altruistic.
Why? And how do you know if you have found such a moment?
It is even better than any chocolate cake I might have had (which I crave on a daily, perhaps hourly, basis).
The humor here is outweighed by the implication that you have an addictive personality and/or poor impulse control. Nice try, though.
"I want to pursue a career as a teacher, psychologist
, or a lawyer,"
