500 word limit! (its at 499 now lol)
thanks guys!
needs a lot of work on grammar, awkward sentences etc! any help is greatly appreciated!
also is the first paragraph too weird? i tried to convey the point that GWU's surroundings are awesome etc in an interesting way.
With heavy textbooks in my bag, a camera hanging loosely around my neck and a small map in my hand, I wander down the street searching for my destination. With the United States Capitol behind me, I continue to stroll, absorbing the atmosphere, studying the surroundings, and becoming part of the crowd. As I walk, I am deeply amazed at the history, the culture, and the value these buildings represent and demand. None more so than the White House. I stand in awe and imagine myself working in such a place. Although a security guard stops me from approaching closer for a better picture, I continue to amble in high spirits. Before long, I approach the World Bank, where I push past the protesters. As I reflect on this path called Pennsylvania Avenue, I realize how wonderful it would be to do this every day, only to realize I have finally reached my destination. The sign reads, "Welcome to George Washington University."
As an international student who decided to attend university in a country he has never been before, I had big dreams. I dreamed of a place where I could walk the streets and become amazed at the milieu, filled with hope for the future and ultimately, inspired to achieve my best. I dreamed of a place where my childhood ambitions of serving the President in the Oval Office or working in a major international organization like World Bank would be just one step away; where my aspirations and aims would no longer be behind a television screen but so close that I can see it with my own eyes. (the use of semi colon - correct or incorrect?) Most of all, I dreamed of a place where the education and skills I obtain will take me closer to making my imaginings a reality. But I thought such place was fictional. I decided that my hopes were too abstract.
However, my attitude changed quickly. As I began my search on the Internet, I found a certain university. At first, its interesting name grabbed my attention and as I initiated a research about this university, I began to feel that this was the place. GWU not only satisfied the objective of my search but I was beginning to believe that at GWU, my dreams and imaginings could come true.
The shrinking process of globalization has brought everyone in the world closer together. This is why I believe we should be more aware and educated about our neighbors instead of ignoring them. GWU's Elliot school of International Affairs will help me to understand the world not only through books, but also with its diverse campus, through first-hand experience. Its immediate location of Washington DC will provide unique opportunities, enabling a special social and political network and providing unparalleled experiences that could one day lead to fulfillment of my dreams. I believe that GWU will prepare me to face any challenges and to lead this new beginning of our world.
Yeah, I got an idea that probably would made this essay better.
Your essay do convey the sense that you need, and I would like to suggest a little more.
One of the most important thing in your essay is the first paragraph. I don't mean it doesn't fit, it fits perfectly. But, the thing is when you spent almost 200 words talking about a place, it made this essay sound more like a city guide than understanding the places and I had little difficult time with the transition you made. SO my suggestion is: cut some of them, not all of them though.(It's an amazing intro.)
And for the rest of the space, I suggest you say something more than studying abroad and internship. I mean, come on, this thing is offered by EVERY single university. It certainly doesn't make it special and unique.
What I would do is say more about its surroundings, Yeah you already did that, but maybe just elaborate it a little more. Cause, you know, DC is the place when politics meets reality, so maybe you should write a little more about that. For example, how you imagine you would sit at the office of secretary of state and talking on the phone with xx president, etcetc.
angela
As an international student who one day, innocently decided to attend university in a country he has never been to before, I had big dreams.
I dreamed of a place where I could receive a concrete education.
However, my attitude changed quickly. As I began my search on the Internet, I found a certain university. At first, its interesting name grabbed my attention and as I initiated a research about this university, I began to feel that this was the place. GWU not only satisfied the objective of my search but I believe that at GWU, my dreams and imaginings could come true.
While Its immediate location of Washington DC will provide unique internship opportunities, enabling a network that will further enhance my knowledge.
I believe that GWU will prepare me to face the challenges and to lead this new beginning of our world.
Great essay, but I think you should look over the last sentence. Maybe if you say "any" challenges. I don't know, it just seems a little unclear.
:)
wow! thank you so much for the detailed replies!
so you don't think i should get rid of the first paragraph as a whole?
and i'll take your advices and put up the second version soon!
Use a comma rather than a semi-colon; the second part of that sentence is a dependent, rather than an independent clause, so the former is more appropriate.
The conclusion holds together quite nicely. Some grammatical stuff:
"This is why I believe we should be more aware of and educated about . . ."
" . . . but also with through first-hand experience with its diverse campus .
"I believe that GWU will prepare me to face any challenge and to become a leader in an increasingly globalized world. "
The ending does not seem choppy. The whole essay is very impressive, for sure. It can be better if you mention some more specific examples of GWU resources you intend to use, certain instructors whose lectures you look forward to... the SPECIFICS. It's like when you are trying to figure out if someone is serious when they threaten to commit suicide: if they have a specific plan about how they are going to do it, watch out!! They're serious!! It's the same with a student who has extraordinary drive to succeed at a particular school. Maybe it is, or maybe that is a bad example...
