I know the content of this essay needs work, but I'm not sure if it strays too much from my orignial idea or if I need to elaborate more on my points. I would also like to know if is hard to follow or boring. And should essays in general have titles? Thanks in advance!
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilema you have faced and its impact on you.
"Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-five;..."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's words spill out of my mouth. I look out onto the sea of my fifth grade classmates. I feel my knees shaking and my palms getting sweaty. With trembling lips I continue to recite the poem of Paul Revere's ride...with a British accent. No, the accent was not required, and no, I did not lose a bet. The accent was just something I did to improve my presentation.
In fifth grade, taking a chance like this was not a big deal. I was nervous, but this small measure would make the presentation better. I would do it despite my fears. As I got older taking chances became more difficult. I was more aware of others judging me and the disappointment I felt after taking a risk and failing. Progressing through years of more performances and presentations, taking risks became even more important. I had to fight through my shy disposition and take chances in and out of the classroom. Shortly after this relatively insignificant risk, I took the biggest risk of my life by becoming a gymnast. When I became a gymnast, it meant that everyday I would have to risk the chance of injury, disappointment, and most importantly my time.
Fear of injury is something I face everyday. With a beam that is only four inches wide and four feet off the ground, I can never be one hundred percent sure that I will land correctly. There is always the chance that my feet will miss the beam on a back tuck or something will go wrong with one of my skills. This is a chance I have learned to take without hesitation. I've trained myself to focus on the positive outcomes instead of what could go wrong. I take comfort in the fact that every time I take a risk, I am getting closer to reaching my goal of making it to the state, regional, and national competitions.
Gymnastics competitions occur in the spot light. Regardless of our team spirit and support, we each go out on the floor alone. There is no one else to depend on and if you mess up, everyone sees. In one competition, I missed both of my feet on the beam and landed painfully on the mat underneath. This was humiliating, but even more disappointing. After spending hours perfecting a routine it is heartrending to fail when it matters, but I knew I would have to compete the next event very soon. After something upsetting like this all I can do is put it in the past and do my best for the rest of the competition.
The biggest risk about becoming a gymnast was the time commitment it required. When I decided to do gymnastics competitively I had to quit soccer, dance, swimming, girl scouts, and many other actives I enjoyed. Sometimes I feel I have risked my entire childhood on this sport, but I would do it all over again. I have benefited in so many different ways from participating in gymnastics. As my coach likes to say, "It's not that you can do all those skills, it's that you've become the kind of person it takes to do those skills."
For many, growing out of childhood means moving away from taking chances. Whether in school or in the gym, I have grown up taking chances. In college, I will continue to take chances with new classes, new people, and new activities. Paul Revere took a chance on his midnight ride and made history. I took a chance by reciting his story in a British accent and was rewarded with an 'A'. Both were risks worth taken, and I know I will never miss an opportunity because I was afraid to take a chance.
I always use a title, even when I am not required to. Even when I am not supposed to. It's my writing, so I get to give it a title. The title is your very first communication to the reader, and it is powerful.
I found no errors in your writing, but if I were you I would revise what the coach said:
As my coach likes to say, "It's not that you can perform all those moves; it's that you've become the kind of person it takes to perform those moves."
I like how you linked your ending with your intro, with the 'Paul Revere' idea (:
It made your essay seem more holistic
Just one minor point. Perhaps it might be better to say, 'After something this upsetting, all I could do was leave it in the past and perform my best for the rest of the competition.'
All the best with your college admission!
