Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. (650 word limit)
Hi, I don't have good writing skills since English isn't my first language. I know that my essay contains many grammatical errors and ambiguous sentences. However, I'd very much appreciate harsh criticism about whether the contents of my essay are addressing the prompt properly and whether it is redundant or not?
Any form of criticism is appreciated. Thanks :) Planning to submit this by Nov 1 :D
Why look for good food in opulent restaurants, when you can look for good food in local kiosks. That's what most people seem to miss, but not me. I regard cheap local culinary adventure as lucrative as gold-hunting and enjoy sitting at these stalls smelling the mixed aroma grilled kebabs, fried rice, and meatball soup. When other people are busy making reservations at a five-star Italian restaurant, I'd be huddling up in a line ordering spicy tofu in a street kiosk. When my friends order Stuffed Crust Pizza or Big Macs for their birthday feast, I'd order Balinese Suckling Pig or Javanese Lamb Satay for mine. Although seemingly menial, my penchant for local food remains an inseparable part of my identity.
This habit of enjoying local delicacies highlights my growing up in a modest economic background. My parents are just humble proprietors of a small interior workshop, but proud owners of big dreams. With all their might and grit, my parents worked hard to pay my expensive tuition fees at an international school, carrying hopes that my siblings and I are able to live a better life compared to them. Excluding the exorbitant spending on education, we would live on a very tight budget. Feasting at a fancy bistro is considered a luxury. Hence, our culinary recreations would instead be held at the nearest night market. I remembered how, sitting on a plastic stool beside a street full of food vendors, my family and I voraciously ate a bowl of bakso (meatball soup) while still able to be sharing laughter and happiness. Perhaps due to this reason, the olfactory sensation coming from the street vendors reminded me of the hard work and sacrifices my parents made for me, reminded me to study hard when I feel tired, reminded me to never lose hope on myself because they haven't lost their hope on me.
I recalled the "nasi bungkus" I had for lunch yesterday. How throughout the years I've grown acquainted to eating this particular local food at school. Although I initially hated the monotonous flavor of the dish, my discovery of its inner value eventually led me to embrace it. The sight of my "nasi bungkus" reminds me of my parents self-less dedication to ensure I receive the best facilities for my future. Through this sudden epiphany I am taught to gladly relish every mouthful of yellow rice entering my mouth and open-handedly receive every bit of tempeh and chicken strips that would be chewed by my impatient molars. In other words, I succeeded in making the most "utility", as economists would say, out of my humble "nasi bungkus". This newly developed attitude inadvertently affected my outlook upon my life. I was able to overlook my past failures as it has been blinded by the overwhelming positivity of my life. I'd walk with a straight back, and a positive look, and confidently say "I couldn't afford it" when my friends invite me to eat at a fancy restaurant. However, what my attitude towards local food taught me most is that whether I'm served a plate of searing tenderloin steak or a can of cold baked beans, I would do what I will always do. Give Thanks.
I regard cheap local culinary adventure as lucrative as gold-hunting and enjoy sitting at these stalls smelling the mixed aromas grilled kebabs, fried rice, and meatball soup.
Very well written, and your English is really good, you misunderstood yourself!! The personal touch in the second para is good, but it would be great if you could make your last paragraph more simple. Otherwise it is really nice! :-)
Wow Jeremy! You really surprised me with this essay. It is an excellent background narrative. It perfectly ties in your upbringing, family background, and love for food with your development as a person. Seriously, don't change anything about the theme of the essay. It is perfect for your purpose and ties in well with your other essay. I can sense you are trying to start a theme here :-)
Anyway, let me try to jump in with some language improvement. I think that is all that is left to clean up here unless you have some concerns you would like to take up with us here regarding the content of your essay :-) This will be in paragraph form as usual.
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Par. 1:
That's what most people seem to miss, but not me.
I regard A cheap local culinary adventure
When WHILE other people are busy making reservations at a five-star Italian restaurant,
I'd be huddling up in a FOOD-line , ordering spicy tofu in a street kiosk.
Par. 2:
My parents are just humble proprietors of a small interior workshop - Do the reviewer a favor and explain what you mean by an interior shop. He may not be familiar with it.
With all their might and grit AND DETERMINATION, my parents worked.
our culinary recreations would instead be held at the nearest night market.MY PARENTS CALLED IT GOOD FOOD AT AN AFFORDABLE COST.
my family and I voraciously ate a bowl of bakso (meatball soup) while still able to be sharing STORIES OF laughter and happiness.
reminded me of the hard work and sacrifices my parents made for me, AND reminded me to study hard when I feel tired,
reminded me to never lose GIVE UP hope on myself because they haven't lost their hope on me.
Par. 3:
I recalled the "nasi bungkus" I had for lunch yesterday.
How t Throughout the years
my discovery of its inner value eventually led me to embrace it. - What inner value was that?
to ensure I receive the best facilities EDUCATION AND CHANCES for my future.
Through this sudden epiphany I am WAS taught to gladly relish every mouthful
In other words, I succeeded in making the most "utility" FULLY UTILIZING , as economists would say, out of my THE humble "nasi
This newly developed attitude inadvertently affected my outlook upon IN my life.
and confidently say "I couldn't afford it" when my friends WOULD invite me to eat at a fancy restaurant.
Hi Louis and Hargun,
I thank both of you so much for the positive output. I've made the suggested changes. However, I'm concerned whether the third paragraph is repeating the second paragraph in another way.
I've tried to simplify the third paragraph. What do you think? Is it simple enough?
I also wanted to achieve a dramatic ending in the last sentence of the essay by using a two word sentence. But I fear the sentence and its preceding sentence is too awkward. How should I make the changes?
Once again thanks for the output :)))) !!
Ultimately, what my attitude towards local food taught me most is that whether I'm served a plate of searing tenderloin steak or a can of cold baked beans, I would do what I will always do. Give Thanks.
Hi Louisa,
I scrapped my initial third paragraph and replaced it with a new one. Can you take a look and see whether it improved my essay or not? Thank you for helping me with the essays this far!! :)))) I really appreciate it.
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. (650 word limit)
Jeremy, I'd like to help so I spent some time reading your essay and proof reading proved that there is a huge difference from the initial essay to the revised one, which is very good, this means you deal with constructive criticism very well.
Now, I'd like to focus on the last paragraph of the essay as this part should be as strong as the introduction and the overall angle of the essay.
Here it is;
- affected my outlook onin all other aspects of my life.
- my education rather than expensive foods , cars or clothes.
- than the expensive crème brulee, sinceas it gives equivalent
- amount of satisfaction withfor a lower price.
- Even if later in life I becomeSooner or later I will be successful, suchand this humbling habit
- will ensure that myremain my humble outlook upon life shall remain the same .
There you have it Jeremy, I hope the corrections I made helped!
Definitely use this new version of your essay Jeremy. This is the best version that you have written and, just like anything that has reached perfection, should not be changed anymore. This essay clearly connects the logic of your culinary interests with the development of your personality, outlook, and beliefs in life.
The essay definitely makes it easier for the reviewer to get to know you based upon the parallelism that you created between your food choices, enjoyment, your way of life. The story of your education and its relation to your parents and the food that they raised you eating is definitely a plus factor for this essay. More importantly, you developed a very strong finish with the conclusion that you wrote.
Revising the third paragraph made the essay flow more smoothly and created an easier to read finish. The first one was a bit forcing through in the way you described the way that you developed your mindset through food. This version removed that situation. It is the best closing statement for this essay. Go ahead and use this version. This is as ready as it can get :-)
Hi Louisa and justivy,
Thank you for helping me review both my essays. I really appreciate your sincerity and the attention you gave for my essays. I have finalized my essay and I'm going to submit my essays for ED. Once again, Thank you so much!
Sincerely,
Jeremy
Hi Louisa,
Would this essay work with either the prompt Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are? or the prompt Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. ?
Thanks
Hi Jeremy, for some reason the thread won't show me the perfected version of your essay anymore. So I can't really judge which prompt would be best serviced by the essay that you wrote. I hope that you can somehow post the perfected essay within this thread again so that I will have a reference point for consideration.
Anyway, I am sure that we can edit the essay to make it work with either prompt. Like I told you before, all essays can be rephrased in order to make it a fresh essay. From that point, you can also re-edit the essay in order to make it better work for the purpose of either prompts that you provided. So I think that while the essay will most likely work with one of the prompts, it will need to be revised for a specific purpose.
We need to revise the essay in order to change the point of view, but not necessarily the content of the essay. By doing so, you will be able to avoid any plagiarism checkers that the university reviewer might be using in order to determine the originality of your statement. That said, I will wait for you to post the essay again and then I will help you refresh the essay for submission to a new university alright? :-)
Thank you so much Louisa, I'm going to repost the perfected version of my CALS essay and Common App essay and see if they could fit the prompts.
...
Hi Jeremy ! Here is the revised essay for "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.?". I removed certain sentences to create a different presentation for your essay. I hope you will like it :-)
...
As I promised, I removed some parts of the essays to give them a fresh outlook and also pass any possible plagiarism tests, just in case. Feel free to make your own changes or additions. I can review the work that you did on these essays if you wish :-)
Hi Louisa,
Thanks for the great output you provided. I've decided to heavily rewrite the first essay, but it would still revolve around the same story. I really liked my second essay so I only made changes in the first paragraph. Can you review both of them and see whether they answered the prompt effectively and sounded sincere enough? Thanks again :)
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Every time I step out of my school gate, I see most of the students crowding several small snack kiosks on the side of the street. I recognized a few primary school juveniles enjoying their acrylic-paint blue colored milkshakes while waiting for their parents to pick them up, several 7th graders crunching on the chemically-flavored spicy flour chips, and eventually my classmates ravenously hogging on their plate of fried artificial wax-filled instant noodles. Such were the common sightings around my neighborhood in Indonesia, where mass production of food are loosely regulated by the government. Through my habit of observing the "ingredients used" in the packaging of every local snack product I purchased, I found out that most of the ingredients comprises artificial additives which could result in negative health implications. It is as if most local food producers would resort to maximizing their profits by substituting healthy ingredients for cheaper but harmful monosodium glutamates and tartrazines. Sadly most of my friends, as well as the major population of my country, which comprise middle to low income earners, aren't aware about this committed atrocious contamination of food products. Even if they're aware, their inability to afford consuming imported healthy grain bars and fruit yoghurts made them resort to consuming cheap chemical-filled, artificial substitutes of these food products. This pitiful sight made me recognize and develop a huge concern regarding the food consumption dilemma of Indonesia.
This concern directed my course to a future in food biochemistry. In my freshman year I took rigorous Higher Level Chemistry and Biology courses in IBDP and IGCSE, and utilize my school breaks in visiting the small number of existing Indonesian food companies which specialize in producing healthy and affordable food products. It also gave rise to my new hobby of frequently reading news pertaining to Indonesia's food industry. Through both experiences, I found out how Indonesia is filled with top-quality food resources which are sadly imported raw because my country lacks food manufacturers. I developed a strong desire to change this nation's diet and improve the country's economy by becoming a social entrepreneur who focuses in manufacturing healthy and affordable food products using local raw materials for my country's citizens to enjoy.
I believe UC Davis Food Science and Technology courses can guide me to achieve it by providing the most apt knowledge on both the applied management skills required to run a processed-food company, and the technical aspects of food manufacturing. The focus in prioritizing food safety in UC Davis provides the suitable environment for my aim of developing healthy snacks which can be enjoyed by everyone. Besides academic help, the provision plentiful internship opportunities which can help me attain valuable transferrable skills to catalyze the process of starting my own food business, makes UC Davis the perfect guide to achieve my dreams.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I am proud consumer of street foods, the type of food which is looked down by people in my country. When people condescendingly ask me why, I question them back: "Why look for good food in opulent restaurants, when you can look for delicious food in local kiosks?" I regard a local culinary adventure as lucrative as gold-hunting and enjoy sitting at these stalls smelling the mixed aromas of grilled kebabs, fried rice, and meatball soup. While other people are busy making reservations at a five-star Italian restaurant, I'd be huddling up in a food-line, ordering spicy tofu in a street kiosk. When my friends order Stuffed Crust Pizza or Big Macs for their birthday feast, I'd order Balinese Suckling Pig or Javanese Lamb Satay for mine. Although seemingly trivial, my penchant for local food remains a proud and inseparable part of my identity.
This habit of enjoying local delicacies highlights my growing up in a modest economic background. My parents are humble proprietors of a small home-furnishing company, but proud owners of big dreams. With all their might and determination, my parents worked hard to pay my expensive tuition fees at a prestigious, expensive private school, carrying hopes that my siblings and I are able to live a better life compared to them. Excluding the exorbitant spending on education, we would live on a very tight budget. Feasting at a fancy bistro is considered a luxury. Hence, our culinary recreations would instead be held at the nearest night market. My parents called it good food at an affordable cost. I remembered how, sitting on a plastic stool beside a street full of food vendors, my family and I voraciously ate a bowl of bakso (meatball soup) while sharing stories of laughter and happiness. Perhaps due to this reason, the olfactory sensation coming from the street vendors reminded me of the hard work and sacrifices my parents made for me and reminded me to study hard when I feel tired, reminded me to never give up hope because they haven't lost their hope on me.
My passion for local food eventually affected my outlook in all other aspects of my life. I substantiate inner quality over outward appearance, just like the way my parents spend more on my education rather than expensive food, cars or clothes. I wouldn't mind wearing an unbranded jacket, as long as it kept me completely warm. I wouldn't feel shy when using my outdated smartphone, knowing it could still smoothly receive and make calls. I would prefer eating simple fried bananas rather than the expensive crème brulee, as it gives equivalent amount of satisfaction for a lower price. Ultimately, my life-changing experience with local food humbled my attitude. Sooner or later I will be successful, and this humbling habit will always remain my modest outlook upon life.
