Elaborate on an extracurricular activity.
Criticisms are the foundations to improvement soooo criticize as much as you can!
Every time I drive by the newly built, beige house on Wyckoff Avenue, I think back to when I first opened the Swiss-Almond Valspar paint can and dipped my four inch wide industrial paint brush into the undisturbed, fresh pool of paint. Habitat for Humanity has been advocating poverty housing for decades, but volunteering for HFH to build shelters for hard-working, financially challenged families alongside them, figuratively and physically, provides a unique type of perpetual fulfillment. After my first six months at HFHYU, I became a member of the steering-committee and continued to pursue my leadership to become the president of HFHYU two years later. During my junior year, I founded a HFHYU chapter at my school, which currently has over fifty members. As I continually engage myself in HFH, I only find it to be more intriguing and satisfying to help families in need, one house at a time.
(1) Every time I drive by the newly built, beige house ...
... financially challenged familiesalongside them, figuratively and physically, provides a unique type of perpetual fulfillment.
... I became a member of the steering-committee and continued to pursue my leadership, eventually becoming the president of HFHYU two years later.
As I continually engage myself in HFH, I find it incredibly satisfying and intriguing to help families in need, one house at a time.
(1) Sentence is very descriptive, but kind of a run-on. Lots of details, but try to cut something out to make it flow better.
Huh? I don't understand this part
Good start! Hope my suggestions help. Try to read it aloud and avoid awkward phrasings.
Thanks!!
Oh the part you don't understand was that I actually was building houses with them, with a hammer and nails and through fundraising
The first sentence is kinda long.
I think you should avoid acronyms unless you write "Habitat for Humanity (HFH) has been ..." Also, you used to different acronyms.
You should make it more personal. You're part-way there. You should elaborate more on how important HFH is to you and how it has affected you. It kind of sounds like you describe the club and your achievements instead.
Good luck!
Yeah my new version adds kind of what you said, thanks!
Here is a lesson called "less is more"
It would be better if the second half of the first sentence was shorter. :-)
Like this:
...to when I first opened the Swiss-Almond Valspar paint can and dipped my four inch wide industrial paint brush into the undisturbed, fresh pool of paint.
Do you agree that killing some of those modifiers can intensify the reader's experience?
Hey, you have some great accomplishments...
With this sentence, I would like to have a little change involving the addition of an action verb: During my junior year, I founded a HFHYU chapter at my school, and since then it grew to include over fifty members.
And... this has a nice ending!
