Please help me with my supplement essay!!!
Tell us something about yourself or your interests that we wouldn't learn by looking at the rest of your application materials.
I wear a hat every day, not because it looks pretty, but because I need it. My hair fell out since Grade One. The first time I noticed the hair loss was when I was making the bed; a fistful of hair was spread out on the bed. I disregarded the seriousness of the problem and just forgot about it. Few days later, my mother made the bed; she saw more hair, and asked me if I have been pulling my hair while sleeping. I shrugged my shoulder, and again disregarded the problem. However, as time went on, I felt my hair was getting thinner. Frightened by the thought of becoming bald-headed, I told my mother, and we went to a hospital. After running some tests, the doctor told us that I have stress alopecia, which is the loss of hair caused by stress. My family, then, did everything to make me feel less stressful; but the condition worsened. Finally, I became completely bald. The despair overwhelmed me after looking in the mirror. I felt like I lost the symbol for woman, and I started to avoid looking in the mirror. Since then, I am wearing a hat. Thankfully, however, I became the sort of people who stands out in a crowd. I have the ability to attract people's attention better than others. Although I still want my hair back, I do not grieve over it, simply because there is no point doing so. Even though I am bald, I am still me, nothing has changed, why grieving over?
Your tone is simple and concise. Great job of conveying your story.
Think of how your can be more descriptive to pack a bigger punch.
I wear a hat every day-(hyphen) not because it looks pretty, but because I need it. My hair has fell out since Grade One.==> Kind of awkward instead tryI first noted my hair loss in grade one The first time I noticed the hair loss was when I was making the bed; a fistful of hair was spread out on the bed. I disregarded the potential seriousness of the problem and just forgot about it. Few days later, my mother made the bed; she saw more hair, and asked me if I have been pulling my hair while sleeping. I shrugged my shoulder, and again disregarded the problem. However, as time went on, I felt my hair was getting thinner. Frightened by the thought of becoming permanently bald , I told my mother, and we went to a hospital.
Thank you for your help!
revised:
I wear a hat every day- not because it looks pretty, but because I need it. I first noted my hair loss in grade one. The first time I noticed the hair loss was when I was making the bed; a fistful of hair was spread out on the bed. I disregarded the potential seriousness of the problem and just forgot about it. Few days later, my mother made the bed; she saw more hair, and asked me if I have been pulling my hair while sleeping. I shrugged my shoulder, and again disregarded the problem. However, as time went on, I felt my hair was getting thinner. Frightened by the thought of becoming permanently bald, I told my mother, and we went to a hospital. After running some tests, the doctor told us that I have stress alopecia, which is the loss of hair caused by stress. My family, then, did everything to make me feel less stressful; but the condition worsened. Finally, I became completely bald. The despair overwhelmed me after looking in the mirror. I felt like I lost the symbol for woman, and I started to avoid looking in the mirror. Since then, I am wearing a hat. Thankfully, however, I became the sort of people who stands out in a crowd. I have the ability to attract people's attention better than others. Although I still want my hair back, I do not grieve over it, simply because there is no point doing so. Even though I am bald, I am still me; nothing has changed, why grieving over?
