This is a rough draft for the common app essay. I don't know whether to put it in category 1 or category 3. Also, I believe I have put in too much background info. Any help is appreciated.
Hair of Silver with a Heart of Gold
The church bells began to ominously toll as I solemnly shuffled into the church. Full of sorrow, I glanced around the room. I noticed many people, some I knew, some I didn't, struggling to keep their composure and emotions in check. The funeral service was about to commence and the horde of relatives adorned in black clustered around the casket to pay their final respects. As I approached the casket, a flood of bittersweet emotions began to manifest, threatening to ransack the breath from my very body. I felt as if the world had numbed me, leaving behind a comatose version of myself. Seeing my grandfather for the final time stupefied me. I couldn't accept the present situation placed in front of me. I wanted to hang onto the past and never let go.
My grandfather was a man's man. He knew it all and could fix it all. A man of pride and integrity, my grandfather did everything he could to live an ethical life. He was a man with a tough exterior, a man with powerful eyes complemented by lustrous silver hair. Yet, even though my grandfather had silver in his hair, he had gold in his heart. It was his nature to love unconditionally and inspire those he loved. My grandfather adored and cherished every person in his life. An immortal being among mere mortals, my grandfather was the driving force behind my life. Appropriately, when my grandfather passed away, my heart was crippled and my soul was devoured. I felt as if I had lost a best friend, another father figure. Yet, even though I felt the world had numbed me, I felt blessed to have such a prodigious man make such an immense impact on my life.
Prior to my grandfather passing away, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. My grandfather always had the gift of gab. He would recall stories from his WWII days and reminisce about the days of the Great Depression. I found it fascinating to talk about a time that had never existed to me. However, when the severity of the disease began to expand, my grandfather's mind began to fade away. His interior scrapbook of life slowly became unbound and unraveled. Recent events became a blur and memories of the past vanished. Still, even though my grandfather had become a prisoner in his own body, he continued to persevere.
My grandfather had always believed that when people stop dreaming, they start dying. As a result, my grandfather was determined to regain his independence and wouldn't take no for an answer. Every day, my grandfather would attempt to accomplish his daily routine. Even though he struggled immensely with the simplest tasks, he continued to live his life how he wanted. For instance, he would try to regularly brush his teeth as well as cook his own meals. When my mom advised him to move into an assisted living home, he refused because he didn't want any help. My grandfather wanted to fight the battle himself. Granted my grandfather was also a stubborn man by nature, but his stubbornness caused him to endure the disease. At one point, my grandfather looked as if he was going to return to the grandfather I had known ten years ago. My grandfather continued to live his life for many more months until the disease finally caught up to him. Sadly, on August 22, 2010, my grandfather passed away.
The death of my grandfather made me realize that nothing is forever, that nobody is immune from heartache and death. Every man dies but not every man truly lives. My grandfather's goal wasn't to live forever, his goal was to create a legacy that would. My grandfather had taught me so much. Watching him struggle with Alzheimer's Disease was incredibly hard, but I saw what it was like to persevere, even if the outlook isn't the best. As I reflect back on my grandfather's death, I can truly say he lived his life to its fullest potential. Despite Alzheimer's Disease, my grandfather had achieved so much in his life and had no regrets. The death of my grandfather helped me learn that death isn't a punctuation mark in someone's life. Instead, it's a continuous point. Hopefully, I can live my life just as my grandfather had lived his, creating a legacy that will be remembered for years to come. As I continue to live and grow, my grandfather's life will continue to bloom inside of me. The memories we shared will continue to be treasured and I will continue to persevere. Papers may say that my grandfather has been buried, but I'll always know he will live on in the smiles and joys of future generations to come.
I only have to read that first sentence to know you are a great writer. However, I want to recommend the dismissal of one of those 2cumbersome adverbs:
The church bells began to ominously toll as I
solemnly shuffled into the church.
or
The church bells began to
ominously toll as I solemnly shuffled into the church.
Too many adverbs stink up the room, even if you write very eloquently.
His interior scrapbook of life slowly became unbound and unraveled.
Wow, I am impressed...
You did a great job of capturing this experience. Also, you paid great tribute to the man, and I think he probably thinks warm thoughts about you as he reads this from his nonlocal vantage point.
What?! This just happened last week? Now I understand how you were able to infuse this piece of writing with such energy and emotion. I would not change a thing about it. I hope your family is holding up and doing okay. Thanks for sharing this excellent essay.
