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Hamid-ur-Rehamn ; Common App/ Person who had influence

AryanK 5 / 20 3  
Dec 30, 2012   #1
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Hamid-ur-Rehamn was an ordinary boy who was neither studying in any school nor belonged to any well to do family. He was a simple boy who lived in a small city of Mardan few miles away from Peshawar and struggled with his father to earn living. He was the youngest of his five siblings and was the only son of his parents. Hamid's old father looked up to him for earning bread and looking after the extended family. Just like any other boy in his neighborhood, Hamid wanted to study and become a doctor one day. On seeing his desire to study, his father signed him up with CRSD literacy centre which would provide him free education and even pay for his books and uniform.

After I had given my Ordinary level exams in May 2010, I was called up by one of my mother's friend, who happened to be the director at literacy centre, asking me if I wanted to volunteer. I instantly agreed and met the teacher whom I was going to assist in class. My job was simply to communicate with these kids, get to know them better, make them draw on paper the rough images they had in their minds, talk about their aspirations and help them with their studies. I met all the children, with whom I instantly became friends; I spoke to them in my native language Pashto, I read out the English stories aloud and then translated them; so it was all every indulging for me and the kids. However, Hamid usually remained silent, came to class earlier than the rest and was often highly engrossed in reading the material provided to him. I tried to communicate with him but he seemed shy to speak out. At first I thought he was simply coming in to this class because his parents wanted to him to attend but my assumption was crushed when in a quiz test he outperformed the rest and stood out as winner of our quiz challenge.

After the test I once again tried to communicate and he finally broke silence and spoke in his low volume, somewhat harmonious voice. I was astounded to hear about how exhausting and hard his daily routine was. He woke up early and accompanied his father to get milk and bread for the family, spent time in the class and then later worked with his father in a field.

Despite all this, he never looked drained, tired or angry. He was very polite, soft, helpful boy and he told me that he was just too grateful to God for whatever he had. He wanted to struggle and change the life he was living. His belief in struggle, determination and winning against all the ordeals was not only inspiring but unbelievable. I was there to teach him but he taught me a good lesson that I will carry all my life and that is: fight to succeed and survive in all conditions with patience and gratefulness.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Apr 14, 2015   #2
I'm going to help you with your paper paragraph by paragraph in order.

1st paragraph: Put just a after Mardan. Change to earn a living. Looked up to him means to admire but I think you mean that the boy's father relied on him to earn bread and look after the family. Please change this. Change to "study to". Use past tense: paid

2nd paragraph:Do you mean taken when you refer to your exam? Did you read the stories in English first and then translated them? Was the translation spoken or written? Please describe this better. You use the word indulging, do you mean enjoyable? This would describe how you were having a good time. When you refer to your friend as shy that is all you need. You can delete to speak out. You can use a transition word such as However or Yet to begin the sentence where you discuss your assumption of the boy. Also, you may want to replace crushed with wrong because you were surprised during this quiz to see his accomplishment.

3rd paragraph: Place a comma after test. When discussing how he spent time in the class, please delete the and place a comma after class.

4th paragraph: When you begin your description, remember to state that, "He was a". Then discuss his qualities. Also, add and before helpful boy. Delete just too only if you are not quoting what he said. If you are quoting, you can leave just too to describe how grateful he was to God.

You told the story well and it was a good ending!

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