Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 7

THE HANDKERCHIEF (That is the keepsake of people love each other in my country)


autumnwave 11 / 35  
Dec 16, 2009   #1
Please help me improve English by your comments. Thank you in advance!

THE HANDKERCHIEF

(That is the keepsake of people love each other in my country)

In competetive sport of our school, you became champion in a long way running. There a beautiful girl gave you an hankerchief to dry sweat dripping into your face. But you bantered "let sweat make me cool". After that, you turned a side to your friend and whippered something. The friend of you came and said to me: "Do you have a handkerchief? Let it offer to Mr C to wipe his face. Except you, he said he couldn't receive from another women's". My heart missed a beat. I had an old hankerchief in my briefcase but I only wanted to give you the best to be therefore I said: "I'm sorry I haven't". The friend returned and replied to you what I said. Instead of being drunk of victory, you took up your hand to wipe your sweat. Although you didn't say a hard word to me, I felt a little death in my heart.

You didn't know, the day after, I myself made a beautiful hankerchief by my hand. In the handkerchief, I embroidered a couple of young birds. The one perched on the branch of tree to look forward to her sweetheart returning from a long way. Her sweetheart expected to meet her with full of his love and expectation. And I hoped that I could give my handkerchief to you in a certain day. But you never asked me about the handkerchief one more time...

I didn't know why I pushed you away. For this reason maybe I was too conceit or I had no way to express my love for you. At that time, I thought the decent girl must be to control one's love for the time she could marry. So I tried to be noble. I gave you up. And I treated yourself as if I considered you a stranger. And for you, you sometimes angried me about that but I pretended that I didn't know what happened to you. After graduated from high school, I didn't returned the old school as I promised. And you understood that I refused the last chance to meet you. From that day on, you felt tired of thinking of me.

On my home way from Ho Chi Minh city to Long An province, I by chance met you in flood season. In the distance I saw you look like looking forward to anyone. You was surprised to face me. After the question of greeting, I hastyly said goodbey to you because I realized there a beautiful girl called you and came running to you. You was embarrass as if he made a fault to me because you thought I felt sad when seeing your girlfriend. In fact, I hurriedly went to my home instead of talking with you long because I was afraid of you realized there hid sorrow in my eyes when I knew your love for another girl, not me. My soul was empty like the rice field in the flood season when I saw you and your girlfriend walked away hand in hand happily.

The rain evenings in the dorm, I took out my handkerchief which embroided a couple of young birds from my briefcase. I pulled out all the threads and began to embroidered again with new threads. My dream about a couple young birds always side by side never came true. Therefore, my handkerchief only remained one young bird with blue eyes seeing forward to the enormous sky...
yf8651 16 / 31  
Dec 16, 2009   #2
I do not know the prompt, you need to give the essay questions next time.
If this essay is from Common App, it is a little bit negative. Also, You need to tell others about your qualities or abilities clearly. Through this essay, I believe you might want to convey you maturity, if this is the case, you will certainly make if more clear.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 18, 2009   #3
Use a spell-checker. For example "handkerchief" and "competitive."

... you became champion in a long way running. ----> who is "you"? I am a little confused, but with careful work you can add some sentences that make this easy to understand.

There a beautiful girl gave you an hankerchief to dry sweat dripping into your face. ----> dry things don't drip, and sweat is liquid. Liquids are not dry, unless they are vermouth or ginger ale, but that is different...

Except you, he said he couldn't receive from another women's". ----->
this is where I start to get really confused.

I recommend putting a good, clear intro paragraph before this pararaph that is currently the intro. Explain what the essay is all about in a good intro paragraph. :-)
OP autumnwave 11 / 35  
Dec 18, 2009   #4
Thank you for your help, Kevin. I will revise some sentences having mistakes. But I don't understand why "liquid is not dry" while the last time, you edited my essay, you wrote: "My father's clothes were wet with sweat as if he had no time to dry them after talking bath" (Slippers of my father- essay).

Please explain me more clearly!

Have a good time!
OP autumnwave 11 / 35  
Dec 20, 2009   #5
Thank you so much for your comment!
I'm glad for you to share your emotion with me when you read what I wrote. I know, I write still badly but I will try to write better every day.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 21, 2009   #6
But I don't understand why "liquid is not dry" while the last time, you edited my essay, you wrote: "My father's clothes were wet with sweat as if he had no time to dry them after talking bath" (Slippers of my father- essay).

The word "liquid" means that something is not solid. If something is not solid and not a gas, it is liquid, and if you have liquid on you, you are not dry. All I meant to say to you was that it seems strange to say "dry sweat"...

OH!! Wait a minute, my friend Thu Ba, I made a mistake! :-) I misunderstood what you meant. You were using "dry" as a verb, so this is what you should write:

There a beautiful girl gave you a handkerchief to dry the sweat that was dripping into your face.
OP autumnwave 11 / 35  
Dec 21, 2009   #7
Thank you so much, Kevin!
Anyway, you make me have a deep impression about "sweat and dry". Please forgive me bothering you a lot.
Have a good time!


Home / Undergraduate / THE HANDKERCHIEF (That is the keepsake of people love each other in my country)