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"Hanged Jesus portrait" - Common app - Evaluate a significant experience

starzia 3 / 6  
Nov 20, 2009   #1
Hello. This is a first copy of the essay. So, it does not proofread at all.
Hopefully, you guys try to change this essay to make more better.
p.s. : I'm an international student. And please tell me, how are good this essay for this topic.
Just please write as many as opinions for me. Thank you.

A portrait of the crucifix, arranged Catholic books, a simple white wall. It is my first day at the Ulsan University Hospital. All the volunteers are gather here in Padre's room. Before our volunteer group, help the patients, we pray to God and take a moment silence. After prayer, Sr. Shin says to me, "I think that this is tough to you. But, I am guarantee that if you finish successfully, it is the most valuable experience to you. However, do not be afraid about this job. I will pray for you. You're the best high school student to me." I nodded what she said and left the Padre's room door. Before I enter the Intensive care unit, I think of the billions of situations that may occur.

As I entered Intensive Care Unit, I see that people are moving busily to serve patients effectively. When I stand alone in front of door, Mrs. Kim, my co-volunteer, explains what is my job, how should I do, and maintain appropriate behavior in this unit. For about hour, I just watch the nurses work. Suddenly, a nurse request help to me, because she did not know that I am a first time in here. Mrs. Kim helps a nurse and tells me what I should do. Soon, I really start to serve many patients.

Caring for patients, I still remember a patient among thirty people, who only remained silent when I tried conversation. He is hurt seriously because he got a traffic accident, and so, he cannot do anything by himself. My job is to help him keep his body clean. As I work my emotions for him overwhelm me and I say, "I believe that you will be cured soon. I also believe that you will overcome everything. Do not lose your belief. I will pray for you. God will bless you."

He keeps his silence as I talk to him and soon faster. His leg little bit responded when I am wiping off his leg. I asked Mrs. Kim and she say "many of peoples reflect their leg when we touched there. You just go ahead what you did. You look doing well!"

After I assisted him, I tried to talk to him again and told him that although he had been placed in a bad situation, he would get better soon. When go back home, I get a happy yet weird feeling. I felt that he understands what I am saying and that we had communicated with each other heart to heart. Tomorrow, I am going to hospital to serve patients including him. Before I went into the room, I felt that a surprise would happen. When I entered there, he still had his eyes closed, and could not move from his spot. When proceed to wash him, a smile appears on his face abruptly. I am surprised a little bit, but I realize he is getting better. As I left that day I said, "Sir, unfortunately, today is my last service for you. I learned many valuable life lessons from you. Thank you. And Good bye."

After finished this experience, I got an email from Sr. Shin. She told me that the patient is getting better, now he can talk with other people in intensive care unit. At the moment, I could not believe how he could overcome, but I realize that hope and belief still exist in our society. I learned from this service that I should not lose my belief and hope, when I faced to hard situation to me, because the miracle is always have possibility in everywhere.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Nov 20, 2009   #2
This is certainly a significant experience but I feel that your essay should show more than your compassion. I don't really see what you learned from this patient.

"Sir, unfortunately, today is my last serving to you. I learned many valuable life lessons from you. Thank you. Good bye."

^I wouldn't use the word "serving" because I feel like it has a negative connotation. Replace with "caring for" or something like that.

I do not know whether he lives or not. But, I am sure that he is getting better, and he do not lose his hope and belief.

^Well this is kind of contradictory because if he is not alive anymore, he can't really...get better.

The whole summary of the experience is a little choppy but I kind of like it, reminds of a story that I read back in the day...

anyway lol it is a little hard to understand because of some tense issues. I'm sure that others on this site will help you smooth that out. I'll just highlight a couple things that didn't make sense to me.

As I entered Intensive Care Unit, I knocked down about thirty seconds.

^Do you mean that you were in shock?

I try to talk with him; even I know what consequence is.

^What consequence?

I asked to Mrs. Kim and she say "many of peoples reflect their leg when we touched there.

^I don't really understand the leg thing.
Vulpix - / 71  
Nov 20, 2009   #3
Even if you had not stated that you are an international student, I would have been able to tell- there are certain phrases in your writing that sound stilted or unnatural, indicating that you're not familiar with English as a native language, even though in terms of structure your essay is well done. Here are a few comments:

Consider capitalizing "catholic" in your first sentence.

"All of volunteers are gathering at here, Padre's room at the hospital."
A missing article, perhaps: "All of the volunteers [...]"?

"Before we serve to people, we pray to God, and minute silence, and then we separate each other to start serving patients."
The phrased "serve to" seems awkward to me; I don't think the "to" is necessary. Also, what are you serving- food? Or do you mean "serve" as in performing service, in a more general way? "And minute silence" should probably be "take a minute of silence."

"After pray, Sr. Shin says"
"Sr."? Do you mean "Dr."? Or is this meant to be an abbreviation of "senior"? Also, "after pray" should be "after praying".

"I nodded what she said and left the Padre's room door. Before I enter the Intensive care unit, I think billion situations."

Change this to "I nod in response, and leave Padre's room. Before I enter the Intensive Care Unit, I think of a billion possible situations."

Remember, keep your verb tenses consistent- if you start in present tense, remain in present tense.

"As I entered Intensive Care Unit, I knocked down about thirty seconds. People are moving busily to serve patients effectively. When I knocked down myself, Mrs. Kim, who is my co-volunteer, explains what my job is, how should I do, and inform restricted behavior in this unit."

First of all, I don't know what the phrase "knocked down" means. And how do you knock yourself down? Do you mean that you fell down? Or that you were knocked down by someone else? Once again, you've switched to past tense, as opposed to the present tense of your first paragraph. Also, change "inform restricted behavior" to "and informed me of the restricted behavior in the unit."

I think you have a good start to this essay- most of the changes I would make are grammatical errors. Read your essay to yourself out loud and see if you can catch all of the mistakes. You do a good job of describing the experience, but it could be even better if you could bring in some of your plans for the future.

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