Hey guys, I'm new to this forum but would like to be more involved as I get through apps and such.
Here's a rough draft of my common app essay. Please critique (don't be afraid to be brutally honest!). My main problems with essays are usually the intro and conclusion. Also, if you'd like, I'll do my best to critique yours as well! I'm not very good at critiquing, but at the least I can be an extra proofreader.. :)
Here goes:
A couple of years ago, my mother was diagnosed with end stage renal disease. At the time, I had no idea what that really meant. How was this going to affect Mom? She won't die, will she? And how is this going to affect my family as a whole? What kind of adjustments would have to be made in our daily lives? An array of questions assaulted my mind, but the most daunting question that came upon my family dealt with the question why? My mom never had a problem with diabetes or high blood pressure, the two most common causes of kidney disease. So why had this illness crept up on her so unexpectedly? It happened in a blink, and needless to say, I was scared.
As it turned out, my mom would need a kidney transplant, and until then, she would have to be on peritoneal dialysis every night. Fortunately for us, living in Oklahoma gave us the advantage of having a relatively short waiting period.
Because of her kidney issues, my mom fatigued much quicker, always needing to lie down and rest. This meant that I would have to take up more household duties, which included taking care of my brother and running errands, while also keeping up with my job as a full-time student. It was quite a chaotic chapter.
Weirdly enough, in a way, this minor family crisis was exactly what I needed. Up until that point, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. This had slightly worried me since it seemed like most of my friends had already decided on their future plans - I was feeling behind. But the discovery of my mother's health condition brought the answer directly to me: I would study to be a doctor.
Many factors branching from my mom's health issues helped me make this decision. One factor was simply hearing about the doctors' patience and kindness. After my mom's check-ups, she would always tell of how impressed she was by the doctors' compassionate nature. I wanted to become a doctor myself so that I could leave that impression on patients as well.
But the most important factor was that I became intrinsically motivated to be a doctor. Drawn not by money, prestige, or praise, I wanted to be a doctor to help others. Doing the littlest of favors for people, and even just seeing strangers perform nice deeds, is enough to give me the heartwarming feeling that accompanies an act of kindness. I can only imagine how gratifying it must be to treat a sick patient, or even save lives! Furthermore, I'd love to be able to help my mom. Of course, I understand that I wouldn't be able to help her directly; my becoming a doctor would not make her kidneys normal again. I do know, however, that if I made it on this route successfully, I will have made my mother even more proud. What more could a son ask for?
Instead of "my mom fatigued much quicker" try... her fatigue hit more rapidly,
Her sickness not only hit me emotionally but also physically, because of my mom's incapability to do her everyday mom duties, i took them on. I had to take care of my brother, run errands, and being a full time student i had to juggle school work into my hectic life as well.
My mom's diagnosis was what helped me to make this decision.
Knowing i could leave that impression on people made me want to become a doctor.
I really like this story and im sorry to here about your mom, these are just the changes i could come up with.
Good Luck!!
