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What happened in the men's bathroom - Central to identity


applejuice 1 / 5 1  
Dec 16, 2013   #1
Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I felt sick, disoriented. Repulsion soon plagued my mind and soul. In front of me, a tiny bathroom with only three toilets, each of them occupied by a male friend. There was no curtain, no partition, no wall, no way to escape the revolting proximity. I knew I was cornered.

It was my first SAT test, December 2012. I wished I hadn't drunk that much water. I wish I had taken up some pills for my sore throat. I wished things could have been much easier that I would just saunter through that sardine-packed bathroom and do what all the other boys did. But I didn't. I couldn't, because I was not one of them. Because I didn't belong to the men's room.

Ever since I was conscious of myself, I have learned to fear the men's room. Not much because of the repugnant odor that often accompanies the male sloppiness, but rather the rampant pressure to be male and masculine that is embedded within its structure.

Sharing personal space with another male was what I always hated. And yet, it is only through this exposed communion at the public urinal that the bathroom works its intention - reinforcing male heterosexuality through asexual intimacy.

But I am neither male nor male-indifferent. And that close proximity of bodies is more likely to threaten me with exposure and hatred than build solidarity. Within it, there was no peace. My identity is constantly called to question, rejected, ridiculed and debased, my queerness rendered an Other, merely a disruption to the well-constructed ecology of maleness and masculinity.

That was the reason why I only went to the school's toilet during classes, while it was empty. Partly I fear that someone will spot me going to the wrong places, where being queer isn't allowed, and partly I fear those curious gazes in the boy's room, gazes that might pierce through my soul and unmask my true nature.

And now, yet there I stood before this crowded claustrophobic pigeonhole of a bathroom, torn, bewildered and horrified. One half of me needed it - I had to get on with the test at my best. The other half yet shrank from the gay jokes and the lewd comments that were flying around - it dreaded the place where it was heading. But I was too calculating to care about my wretched self. I knew the test was my future and then made a bargain with life: my identity and privacy turned in for a good score on the test. With a strange fervor, I gathered all my strength and enter the bathroom, ending the internal drama that had been tearing my mind.

In retrospect, I am not sure whether that was a totally bad decision. Since that day I never fear again the prospect of going to the men's bathroom or even using a public urinal. Almost suddenly, I became different, changed by being assimilated, or rather phagocytized, into the masculine sphere. But does it mean that my identity as queer has become more fluid or something else more solid? Should I be raging at this trade-in of self-identity for societal mobility? Whatever the answer may be, the incident has taught me to be more aware of the forces that act upon my queerness, molding and folding it in many ways and directions. And most important of all, it matters that I have grown from it.

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Do you think this is too personal? too sentimental? too depressing? not fit for a college essay? What do you think I should do to improve my essay? Any input is highly appreciated!
karanbhullar 3 / 13 5  
Dec 16, 2013   #2
If you are comfortable with sharing your personal information in this essay then it's perfect otherwise you might want to edit out a few too personal info.
OP applejuice 1 / 5 1  
Dec 18, 2013   #3
Thank you for your advice Karan Bhullar! Do you mean perfect as in it's suitable to send or as in the essay is good? I'm confused. Sorry :) And good luck with your college application too!
Jared961286 2 / 7 1  
Dec 18, 2013   #4
My teacher taught me it's better not to share too personal information but there are still successful examples ,one of whom entered Columbia U with the essay of telling abou his life of homosexual orientation.And I very admire your courage to share that and good luck with your application.:)
OP applejuice 1 / 5 1  
Dec 18, 2013   #5
Hi Jie Yin! Do you think the essay convey a positive image of me?
karanbhullar 3 / 13 5  
Dec 18, 2013   #6
You can send the essay if you are comfortable with it. It is grammatically perfect.
Phoenix21 2 / 3 1  
Dec 18, 2013   #7
It seems well written and worded. Its risky but you could send it. You never know what might impress the admissions officers :)
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 19, 2013   #8
This is exactly what I too feel. It is absolutely well written and you display excellent writing skills. My only worry is that you never know how admission officers would take it. This is what I found out from a website about this prompt.
OP applejuice 1 / 5 1  
Dec 19, 2013   #9
Thank you all for your helpful advice. I think I will work a little bit more on the conclusion before submitting it to the college. And once again, you have my gratitute. I will try my best with your essays :)


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