All feedback appreciated. I'm submitting this tmrw! Please help :)
Dear Future Roomie,
Hi. How are you? I'm Emily McDonald. I'm sixteen years old with a birthday on Christmas, so you'll always remember it. I'm from Romulus, NY, a really small town you've probably never heard of. It's ok, no one has. It's the kind of place where flannel and cut off t-shirts are vogue and kids go to Demolition Derbys for fun. Romulus is home to many happy memories, but needless to say, I'm extremely happy to be going to college.
As for getting to know me better, I was born a Brooklyn girl, but I've lived in three different states and changed schools seven times. I skipped second grade, repeated third, and was homeschooled for three years at one point.
I come from a big family, with over thirty cousins on my Dad's side. My parents are divorced, by the way, and I live with my dad and step-mom. I have three lovely siblings too who are all older than me. I don't live with them though, so a piece of my heart resides in California, Texas, and India.
I'm a very low key person and it doesn't take much to please me. I'm happiest when I'm walking down my road barefoot in a flowy summer dress; my golden retriever's leash in my right hand and a good book in the left.
Sports are a big deal to me and at 5' 10'' I'm very competitive I've played soccer, volleyball, cheerleading, track, softball, and as of next month, bowling. I love to win, but I also appreciate the camaraderie of being part of a team. I hope to run Track and Field as well as join the Competitive Cheerleading squad at Stanford.
My friends are what keep me going. My three soul sisters, Emily, Hannah, and Priscilla have been by my side since eighth grade. Through laughter, tears, heartache, and triumph, they are my support system. I hope to be sharing late night phone calls and email updates with you too very soon. Can't wait to meet you dearest! xoxo Emily
Hi. How are you? I'm Emily McDonald. All these are okay but unnecessary. It is better to streamline and cut these out.
I'm from Romulus, NY,---Wow, does that make you a Romulan? That is a race from Star Trek. I wish I could say I was a Romulan.
I think you did a nice job with this, but you are missing an opportunity. This is an opportunity to SHOW them that you are serious about your studies by describing to your roommate several key intentions you have for the next 2 years.. intentions that are based on your career goals.
Show them that you are among those rare kids that really spend a lot of time thinking about their future and how they will make a difference in this world. You don't have to say it that way, but... it would be good to talk a little more about your intentions, your goals.
:-)
