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"Happiness in the service of others". Application essay.

thanhtam4495 1 / -  
Jul 26, 2018   #1

school of nursing in UT - SOP

I'm going to apply to school of nursing in UT, and I'm gonna write the essay for application with topic A.
Can someone give me some recommendation for my essay?
I just finish ESOL class in writing, and I still make a lots of mistakes in writing.
Thanks so much.

"The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admission committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey."


I lived with my grandfather who died because of lung cancer when I was five years old. At that time, I was too young to take care of him, but I wish that I could have done something more than sitting and praying beside his bed. Because of that, I want to become a nurse. I want to put myself in other's position to understand their pain and to able to take care of them. Unfortunately, in the last year of high school, I was convinced by my families that working in a healthcare filed will be so stressful with blood and illness while being an accountant will be so much easier with all clean and tidy paper works. Consequently, I chose to drop out my goal to become a nurse and got into a financial and marketing university in Viet Nam. I went to school for two years in the financial field, but I had no idea what I was going to do in school and after graduation. I felt lost because I had no interested in that field of study.

Not until I left Vietnam and came to the United State to start a new life with my family. While I had always had an interest in health science, I had never thought that all my memories about my grandfather and my nursing goal came back when I started to take care of my grandmother who lives with my family since we moved to the US. She is 92 years old, and she has Alzheimer. She cannot remember her morning medicines, how to take shower, and wake up in the middle of the night to search for things lost a couple of years ago. Nothing can't describe how hard for watching your loved one suffer every single day and do nothing. We, humans, are mortal. Everyone could suffer from a stroke or cancer, and we still can't do anything against that human nature. At that moment, I believe that the minimize things people desire at that time is the comfort. Most importantly, I found myself so happy, passionate, and energetic when I spending more time to research and studies anything related to science and healthcare. I want to study that how my family and I can give her warm and protective feelings in medically and psychological ways.

After all, I decided to come back to school and put myself into the pre-health science. Ever since I enrolled in science courses at Austin community college, I tried hard to learn the most of my education. By going to school, I was going to discover that the healthcare field can help me to fulfill my desire to help others. Until now, I'm sure that I never regret when I choose Nursing major in my life. The more I learn academically, the more I feel compassionate and curiosity for the knowledge in this field of study. My curiosity for science has never stopped to grow over the courses of my studies in community college. In other words, the more I study, the smaller I fell about myself in compare with the world of knowledge. Therefore, I have decided to extend my education.

No doubt, being one of the top schools in the country is the first appeal to me for a bachelor's science in nursing. The University of Texas at Austin will provide me with many resources, opportunities, and extracurricular activity options. I'm so impressed whenever I think that I could be a part of the university where "What starts here changes the world." The opportunities in attending in the University of Texas in Austin can help me to open the door to the world of knowledge and seek for the challenges. I believe that being a part of this fascinating community will reinforce my expertise and allow me to use what I learn and experience to serve people.

Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Jul 27, 2018   #2
Tam, there are two things that you need to change in this essay. The first, is the reference to the death of your grandfather at the age of 5. The other, is the concluding paragraph that discusses the university choice. Both are irrelevant to the essay for different reasons.

The reviewer can recognize an exaggeration when he reads it. The reference to being 5 years old and wishing to become a nurse to help your grandfather is an exaggeration. That is because the reviewers acknowledge that a child at the age of 5 cannot fathom becoming a nurse and the demands that such an ambition entails. That is not the proper inspirational reference for this essay. Instead, you should describe how your grandmother's battle with Alzheimer's pushed you to consider a career in nursing. You do not need to delve into how you ended up in accounting with such detail. You can instead mention that your grandmother's case forced you to make a career shift so you can better care for her. That is more believable than this long winded story about being 5 years old and wanting to become a nurse but then your family convinced you to take a different course.

At this point, your essay is too long to hold the interest of the reviewer. You must shorten it by focusing on the more important aspects of the discussion regarding your career change. Use paragraphs 2 and 3 as the basis of your revised essay.

Change your concluding presentation. Your reasons for attending the university are not part of an extenuating circumstance, nor is it an explanation that adds value to your application. What you should instead be doing, is convincing the reviewer that because of your grandmother's health situation, you have unexpectedly entered the role of caregiver, which is only a stone's throw away from becoming a nurse because you already practice minor healthcare duties in caring for her. That adds to your practical training ability as a future nurse.

After you change your essay presentation, you can then focus on fixing your grammar and sentence structure problems. There is no need to fix those at this point because your content still requires major changes. That should be the last of your worries at this point of your essay development. Consider your essay a work in progress right now and it is in the revision stage.

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