1)Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you
"Happy birthday dear brother", my six years old sisters charming sound disturbed my sleep. It was early morning of my tenth birth day. I woke an did some regular works, then father entered my room. His wet eyes full of tears confused and surprised me. I was speechless and so was my sister. Soon after breaking the pin drop silence my father said," You have to leave us now" these words even more confused me. Then my mother put a small piece of paper into my hand. Two words in the paper disappointed me and the words were "Bus Ticket". This is how i started my 11th year getting the ticket to Katmandu as my birth day present.
i was leaving my parents for the first time. So I was quite nervous. However, I was exited to visit the capital city and to obtain quality education in the well managed boarding school.
Few days after, i admitted to English medium school. English, totally a new language to me was extreme challenge. Same words but different meanings at different situations, same orientation of letters but different pronunciation; this was putting huge trouble upon my head. Not only difficult to learn English it was equally difficult to adjust in a new society. Their lifestyle, attitude and behavior were totally different from those people living in my village. My village had friendly and helpful society but the city had fast-paced and hurried society. Therefore i struggled so much for first three months.
After three months, though i had improved quite well in English language it was not good enough to pass the exams. i failed in six subjects among eight. This moment was the most embarrassing moment of my life. Some friends were talking in between, "School has decided to restrict Upendra". Then the Principal took me into his office and said "Because of your poor performance we have decided...". My eyes were full of tears because my hard work was about to go in vein but I didn't loose the hope and tried to convince Principal. Eventually, as a friend (=First boy of my class) put his view in my favor, the Principal agreed. I was given a new chance in School and was requested to sign an agreement to pass all the subjects in next exam.
Next three months turned even more difficult and challenging. I managed my time perfectly both for study and extra curricular activities. I worked hard , my dedication and motivation towards study was probably the best of my life. Teacher and friends were happy to assist me and hence i improved a lot during the time. After three months, I appeared the second terminal exam. I did well in all the subjects and waited result curiously. During the result day I was nervous and afraid. The principal word from behind excited me, "Congratulations! Upen", then I fell like I was flying in the sky. The result in my hand was even better than of other students and i was seventh among 64!
After six months I appeared my final exam of the year in which I gained the highest marks in the class. I always remember I was awarded Rs.1000 (about $13) for my performance. Then i realized hard work, dedication, positive attitudes and strong commitment can make an individual successful. The year 2006 was magnificent to me and the thing that i learned is always playing the vital role to achieve success.
By the 1000 rupees that i got, I bought a toy for my sister and went back to my home with the award of excellent student of the year. I celebrated the eleventh birthday with great joy!
Okay,, I think it's more than the word limit.
Cut down the extras, too many paragraphs. You need Better Transitions. No offense, Try once more .. and isn't too late for most college admissions. Rs 1000 is 20 dollars FYI. Grammatical mistakes are bit common
Check out mine too !
hmm well it's okay to write more than the word limit, only when it is good.
Frankly, I found it a bit plain and simple. I find it personal, which is good in a personal statement, while find it a bit boring to read.
Try polish the words too.
I'd be glad if you check out mine :)
i like your intro to your essay quite catching.
you had a few grammar mistakes ...
other then that is not bad. (:
try to check my essay out to plzz !
I think it's quite good. I like the voice behind it.
Can you please review mine?
My advice is to read through the essay again and correct any errors that you think you have found... it did get a bit boring to read but you can use an online thesaurus to polish some words up and better yet you can learn new words and use them next time (but try to avoid too much repetition)
Can you please review mine?
However, I was exited to visit the capital city and to obtain quality education in the well managed boarding school----outsiders(non-nepalese) might have hard time to figure this out..nepalese might easily get this..but you might have to elaborate..for eg. talking about your previous life..
Therefore i struggled so much for first three months------i think you will need to be a little more specific...
overall, i find it very good...dont worry about the plain language, that does not make much difference..of course, there is always merit if your sentences sound exciting...try to review the content(if you have time) and find someone good with grammar for re-checking...
good luck bro! and dont get pressurized!
