I feel that I haven't incorporated the "How it has affected your dreams and aspirations" very well. (That's cause I didn't read that part of the prompt... *sweatdrop*) And I'm approaching the 750 word limit for this essay, so... I need to shrink some bits, expand on others. What better way than to get some critics and critique the essay to pieces? :D
Anyways, any feedback/suggestions is very much appreciated. Thanks!
Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"Happy Birthday!" I was 7 then.
My little brother giggled and puffed at the five candles on the plain cake proudly. They flickered, and the flames died. Idly, I wondered what wish he had made. Then again, he was only five; maybe he hadn't even made a wish? After all, I had all but dragged two of my friends to my home and declared that my brother was having a birthday party, resulting in my mother scrambling to bake a cake.
"Happy Birthday!" Age 15.
Cassie, my friend, gasped and stared in shock at us, at the driver, and at the sleek midnight limo. We all smiled brightly and cheered as she ran towards us, engulfing us in hugs. It had to be a surprise, and this operation had been planned out for months. Slowly, liquid warmth filled my chest, and I couldn't help but smile and laugh and pile into the limo along with everyone else. Off to dinner!
"Here you go." Age 17.
A little red envelope, equivalent to a gift card for Americans, was given to me.
Was it customary for Americans to invite friends to a birthday party where everything was all colorful and decorative? I never truly understood... My parents never did that. Or perhaps it was the responsibility of the birthday girl to organize the party and invite her friends. Whatever the case was, I know that I enjoyed going to other people's birthday parties as opposed to those of my family.
The atmosphere at my friends' birthday parties was always akin to fondness, love, and warmth. It was always, always a festive and happy occasion where everyone was smiling and laughing and having a good time. In comparison, my family gatherings had always been dull and plastic; whatever love and warmth there may have been, I could not feel it...
With a start, I sat straight up on my bed with my thoughts echoing in my head. What a completely wrong thought. No, no, no, no! That couldn't possibly be a good way to think of my own family; it was wrong. How utterly wrong it was... Jealous of the love and warmth others had that I couldn't feel with my own.
It wasn't the first time I had caught myself thinking like this. I suspect it won't be the last time, either. Many nights, as I lay in my bed to sleep and sleep refused to come, I would find myself thinking. Sometimes it was only a half hour before I fell asleep, sometimes it was already dawn by the time I could retire to the sanctuary of sleep. Somehow, during these times when the body should be resting, I would be thinking and remembering random, vivid events. Always, it was followed by me contemplating what it would be like if my world were different. Always, I would wish and long for what seemed natural in other families whenever I watched them. Always, I would berate myself harshly afterwards for being so jealous of love.
Maybe it's something I don't understand yet, I thought. After all, other teenagers sometimes dislike their own families, right? Am I just being a selfish teenager? Shrugging, I pushed the thoughts away, filing them in the recesses of my mind until later. ... Much later. Ignoring the constriction in my chest, I returned to lying on my bed and closed my eyes. Suddenly, feeling old and weary, I embraced the escape of sleep, though the sun still shone brightly through the window. Tiredly, I slept away the painful, empty, aching feeling in my heart.
When I sleep, I will put rest my weariness.
When I wake, it will be with a smile; a new day, brimming with vitality.
After all, I had alldid nothing but dragged two of my friends to my home and declared that my brother was having a birthday party, resulting in my mother scrambling to bake a cake.
In comparison, my family gatherings had always been dull and plastic; whateverno matter whether love and warmth there may have been, I could not feel itthem ...
Always, it was followed by memy contemplating what it would be like if my world were different.
I am not sure whether all of my suggestions are OK but I am sure you are not exactly talking about the topic. You do not mainly describe the world you come from. And your world has just influenced your dream not shaped your dream.
Oh! Terrible. The ending is so sad. This is an example of very, very good writing, and it is so good that it really made me share in your experience. I hope one day your own child gets to read this essay as an explanation for why you always shower her or him with expressions of love.
Even though your parents may have been inexpressive, they must have done something very well because you learned to be so thoughtful and reflective.
:-)
I don't have any suggestion to improve the essay, because it is already interesting, efficient, and clear. However, the meaning of this paragraph is unclear, and it would be good to add a detail or two so that the reader knows what that liquid is that you are talking about, and how you felt:
Cassie, my friend, gasped and stared in shock.... into the limo along with everyone else. Off to dinner!
I agree with the above, however I feel that as great as it is, the second part of the prompt is not answered at all.
Maybe taking a bit off of the birthday at age 15, because it is a bit unclear as it is
And maybe if you can cut down a bit of how it felt of your jealousy for the love of others, without taking away the effect because it is very powerful, and add more of how this shaped your dreams.
Good luck writing, my advice might seen very vague but it is late at night here, so forgive me!
Your essay is great though, best of luck!
