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"If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great". - Determined Brazilian


cortesfelipe 1 / 3  
Feb 26, 2012   #1
Please let me know how it is, and how I can improve? Is it good for acceptance?

Some say it is too cocky, but please let me know.

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"If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great." This is one of the quotes I live by, making me not aim for the good, but for the great. I believe that every person is created equal we all got the same 24 hours a day, but what distinguish us, is the determination and the will power we set for ourselves.

I can proudly say that I'm a Brazilian 18 years old guy, who loves to take challenges and hates to be just like everybody else, therefore I will not write about who I am, but what I've done to become who I am today.

Living almost my entire life with just my father, I was early influenced to play soccer and be a business man. As a soccer player, I played in Brazil as well as in several states of the US, accumulating a lot of medals and playing against people from all over the world. However, my real passion is managing business and investments. At the age of 15 I sold my first online business, and at the age of 17 I created and sold a website after reaching 1,000,000 views. Although they were not huge sales, I love to build and grow investments.

In addition, I really enjoy taking risks. After my sophomore year at High School, with the ambition of finishing High School earlier, I went back to Brazil to do in 6 months what I was supposed to do in 2 years. Therefore, last year, for 6 months, I hassled to pass at the top best Private High School in the state of Sao Paulo, damaging a little my average. It was a wonderful experience for me though, to study for far more subjects than I would have studied in the US.

Today I rent a place in [my city], but hopefully not for so long. One of my goals for this year is to attend [my university] and live on campus, as result of a campus tour that made me fall in love with the school. Thus, I think [my university] is a great fit for my social and professional expectations and I hope I can add some great values for the university as well.

Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Feb 26, 2012   #2
"If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great."
I would replace "hard" with "difficult" and "difficulty"

This is one of the quotes I live by, making me not aim not only for the good, but for the great. I believe that every person is created equal, and we all gothave the same 24 hours in a day, but what distinguishes us is the determination and the will power that we set for ourselves.

I can proudly say that I'm an 18 year old Brazilian 18 years old guy, who loves to take challenges and hates to be just like everybody else.Therefore, I will not write about who I am, but what I've done to become who I am today.

Living almost my entire life with just my father, I was earlyalwaysencouraged and inspiredinfluenced to play soccer and be a business man.

After my sophomore year at High School, with the ambition of finishing High School early , I went back to Brazil to do in 6 months what I was supposed to do in 2 years.

Therefore,Last year, for 6 months, I hussled to pass at the top best Private High School in the state of Sao Paulo . I was successful, although the time constraints slightly lowered my average.
OP cortesfelipe 1 / 3  
Feb 27, 2012   #3
Thank you very much for your help. It really helped me a lot.

But, do you think that is a good essay or should I write another one?

Thanks
LyaG 1 / 3  
Feb 27, 2012   #4
your stories are awesome!
May you write down your topic or essay question as well?
So I would know if u r on the right track.
OP cortesfelipe 1 / 3  
Feb 29, 2012   #5
There is no essay question. It is an essay about yourself.

I edited the essay, please let me know how it is now and how should I change.

Thanks

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I am an 18 years old man, born and raised in Brazil, currently living in Belleville, NJ. I have played sports my entire life but my real passion is entrepreneurship. I always try to reach beyond my comfort zone, being determined to achieve my goals. In addition, I also like to create and grow investments, but for me, the best feeling is being able to inspire myself and others. It amazes me how inspiration is what drives us towards success.

Living almost my entire life with just my father, I was consistently influenced to play soccer and become a business man. As a soccer player, I played in Brazil as well as in several states of the US, accumulating a lot of medals and playing against people from all over the world. As a business person, my life started after reading the book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" when I was a little kid. At the age of 15 I sold my first online business and at the age of 17 I created and sold a website after reaching 1,000,000 views. Although not huge sales, those ventures proved my passion and the path I was going to follow.

By focusing on my personal development, I'm aware of how important it is to be a student. Therefore, school has always been major to me. Since 1st grade, I was already attracted to numbers, but was in High School that I fell in love with Math. Consequently, I can say with confidence, that Algebra, Calculus and Geometry as well as Chemistry were my strongest specialties during school.

Furthermore, after my sophomore year at High School, with the ambition of finishing High School early, I went back to Brazil to do in one semester what I was supposed to do in 2 years. Last year, for 6 months, I hustled to pass at one of the best Private High School in the state of Sao Paulo. I was successful, although the time constraints slightly lowered my average. It was a wonderful experience for me to study for far more subjects than I would have studied in a High School in United States.

Finally, I'm seeking admission at Montclair State University because one of my goals for this year is to attend a university that offers a challenging business major, a comfortable on campus housing and the social resources to have fun while studying what I love. Thus, after a campus tour that made me fell in love with the school, Montclair became my number one choice when it comes to achieve my academic expectations.


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