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"hard study and commitment" - Personal Statement - Highschool Years


GrimRippah 3 / 5  
Sep 28, 2010   #1
Here's my first complete personal statement. The lyrics below are in Romanian.

"Ani de liceu, enigmatică prefață la romanul ce e doar al meu..."

The song to which these lyrics pertain, released in 1986, idealizes the image of a normal teenager's high school years. In our culture, this image used to be thought of as revealing of four years that mark the end of childhood, ushering in the onset of adulthood and bringing about great responsibilities.

When I look at myself right now and compare this image to the one that used to represent me three years ago, I feel the need to stop for a moment, to be able to take in these huge changes that have occurred and accept the person that high school shaped me into. In 2007, I was a superficial, carefree 14 year-old boy, excitedly anticipating the start of high school. I was not striving to achieve excellence, to perfect myself in any domain or anything of the like - I thought everything would just flow naturally if I enrolled in the best class in the country and keep studying like I did before - strive to learn my lessons right before the test and forget about them afterwards.

When it came to high school admission, all flowed smoothly. I thought everything would be a piece of cake right from the beginning and that I would have absolutely no problem with getting high grades, making friends and so on.

Nevertheless, my first day of high school was more than overwhelming.
You see, my high school grounds have this layout: after passing the teachers' entrance, you have to go through a small tunnel, cross the school yard and enter the building through the students entrance. I had passed through the tunnel before, but this very moment would overwhelm me.

Halfway through the tunnel, I stopped and had a glimpse of the school yard. For the first time in my life, I saw it full of students. The information was almost to much to process. An overwhelming feeling took over me. How was I supposed to resist in this place? I knew virtually nobody.

The shock was further deepened, when my teachers, through their first evaluations, showed me I did not know even half of what I thought I did. Then I started accelerating my study pace, dedicating myself to academic achievement, but not at the cost of leaving out extracurricular activities.

Slowly but surely, the pieces started falling back into place. Hours of hard study and commitment started paying off: my grades started to go up once again, my teachers started to notice me as an interesting student and, for the first time, in the ninth grade I managed to qualify for the national phase of the mathematical olympiad.

Along with the academic part of high school, the social issues I had at first were alleviated. My new colleagues slowly turned from acquaintances to friends. I have even formed a close group with some of them.

Now, at the beginning of senior year, I am starting to look back at the great things that my high school years offered me and completely accept the transformation I underwent.

Although I am looking at one more year in front of me in this place, I am slightly confused. It is a little difficult for me to realize that by this time next year, I am going to be on another continent. I am going to sever almost all of my links to the place where I grew; it definitely is hard, but it sure is worth it. I am really looking forward to swimming in the sea of opportunities. Who knows what chances the future holds? Maybe there are chances for me to fulfill an important purpose in life, to do some good to our society. That, in my opinion, is the greatest part of an American education: you always have to be open to something new and let yourself be taken by surprise.

What do you think?
Is it ok? If not, why? What should I work more on?
Thanks :D

radwa 6 / 11  
Sep 28, 2010   #2
The information was almost too much to process

How was I supposed to resist in this place?
do you mean survive? i don't get the meaning with 'resist'

It is more than okay Stefan! Well-put and good luck in your senior year :) You actually made me think back to how it was when I was a freshman!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Oct 1, 2010   #3
The song from which these lyrics are taken, released in 1986, idealizes the image of a normal teenager's high school years.

You have some great, great sentences... You really have a strong sense of grammar, I think. I like this sentence structure:
Now, at the beginning of senior year, I am starting to look back at the great things that my high school years offered me and completely accept the transformation I underwent.

Here is one that I think should be revised, because it does not really have strong... internal ... like... it doesn't have... it doesn't really make sense by itself:

Although I am looking at one more year in front of me in this place, I am slightly confused. ---- it does not make sense to imply that you should not be confused when you have one year left. Try a different structure! I don't know how to explain what I mean, ha ha...

I am going to sever almost all of my links to the place where I grew--- here is one last sentence that does not seem right. Why would any tie need to be severed?

:-)


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