Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 9

hard work and dedication/ UVA Sup - World you come from


eddiemaini 1 / 6 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #1
My main concern is that I sound cliche. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Here it goes:

PROMPT: Describe the world you come from and how it has affected you.

My parents have always taught me that through hard work and dedication to education, anything is possible. As I sought the complications of engaging in a conversation with the Vietnamese girl next to me, I heard the instructor announce my name in front of the classroom, "[My name]! Congratulations, you passed the quarterly ESOL* exam! You will be with Ms. Palermo's 8th grade English class starting next week." Going home that day, I could not wait to share the good news with my parents. They would be ecstatic to hear that I was learning English so quickly, especially since they had not been able to devote as much attention to my academics as they had in the past since they each started working two jobs. However when I got home, I realized that my parents' shift did not end until 11 P.M. And so like most days, I was alone at home eating frozen food for lunch.

That evening, while doing my homework in our family's small apartment porch, I had an epiphany. I realized that my parents had sacrificed themselves in pursuit of a better future for me. They knew that they would have to work tirelessly day and night when they immigrated here, but they came here anyway because they realized that this country could provide opportunities for me that that our home country could not provide. At that moment, I decided that I had to make the most of this opportunity and fulfill their dream of me becoming someone significant in life. That year, I took two honors classes and moved from ESOL English to regular English. By next year, I was taking all honors classes. My development academically is a testament to the hard work and dedication that I have devoted thanks to the lessons of my parents.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------

-Adi M.
OP eddiemaini 1 / 6 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #2
BUMP! Really need help!
sunny_joy 4 / 16 7  
Dec 30, 2012   #3
I think it's a strong essay...but perhaps you should focus on the description of your world. It's an interesting story, but I don't think it represents your world :)

Good luck!
fishes 1 / 10 1  
Dec 30, 2012   #4
If it's genuine enough then it's not cliche. I really liked your essay, it's straightforward and answers the prompt and isn't boring at all.

just a minor problem:
"As I sought the complications of engaging in a conversation with the Vietnamese girl next to me,"
your essay never makes clear where exactly you and your parents immigrated from. Is it Vietnam? This is kind of confusing. Since this is an essay about "the world you come from", you should at least state your country of origin.
OP eddiemaini 1 / 6 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #5
Thanks for the feedback!

If it's genuine enough then it's not cliche.

I am glad you liked my essay. By cliche, I was referring to the numerous immigration essays that college admission officers receive every year.

"As I sought the complications of engaging in a conversation with the Vietnamese girl next to me,"
your essay never makes clear where exactly you and your parents immigrated from. Is it Vietnam? This is kind of confusing. Since this is an essay about "the world you come from", you should at least state your country of origin.

No this was just my attempt at describing the ESOL class I was in, which had people from all around the world. Does this sound better?

My parents have always taught me that through hard work and dedication to education, anything is possible. As I sat surrounded by a blonde guy from Germany and a short girl from Vietnam, I heard the instructor announce my name in front of the classroom, "Adi Maini! Congratulations, you passed the quarterly ESOL* exam!

Also, I changed:
but they came here anyway because they realized that this country could provide opportunities for me that were non-existent in my home country of India

So to answer your question, I immigrated from India. :)

Do you think the first two sentences of my essay transition well?
OP eddiemaini 1 / 6 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #6
BUMP! Any other feedback?
enigma33 2 / 44 3  
Dec 30, 2012   #7
It's a good essay but I feel as though you should expand the ending. Remember, they want to know about you and your growth so you have to focus on the part where you talk about how it affected you. Other than that you're set.

Hope I helped! Can you please go over my Uchicago essay? It's pretty urgent!
rosieish 3 / 9 4  
Dec 30, 2012   #8
First, I wanna say its not cliche at all, but it is unique because shifts between countries is not the main theme of your story right? there are much more things you talked about in the story that distinct you from others.

but as people above me said, you can revise the ending to be a little more stronger. It is not so much different from your introductory sentence.

But overall its good I can see you as a pragmatic and diligent student who have a definite goal:)
OP eddiemaini 1 / 6 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #9
Thanks a lot for the feedback!

Any other opinions/? Please be harsh and blunt in your feedback!


Home / Undergraduate / hard work and dedication/ UVA Sup - World you come from