I'm not the strongest writer so I was wondering if you guys could give me some criticism for UPenn's writing supplement.
How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania? Please answer this question given the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying. (400-650 words) *For students applying to the coordinated dual-degree programs, please answer this question in regards to your single-degree school choice. Interest in coordinated dual-degree programs will be addressed through those program-specific essays.
If someone had told me my freshman year that I would be applying to Penn, an Ivy League, I wouldn't have believed them. I idolized the student that got into Ivy Leagues and they truly did seem like they were in a different league than me. However, going through high school made me realize my true potential and I pushed myself each and every year to become the person I am today; I realized that maybe I've become the student I once idolized in the beginning. Just the act of writing this essay and applying has proven that I've accomplished more than I ever thought I could.
The start of my high school career was also the start of my interest and pursuing of the sciences, which has always been my main focus. However, I've learned to love social sciences through exploring and taking classes I never thought I would enjoy (ex: psychology, economics, European history) and because of this, I have an interest in minoring in economics, something I never saw in myself until recently. By enrolling in the College of Arts & Sciences at Penn, I'll pursue the combination of these two interests that best fits me with the help of Penn's flexible curriculum and its liberal arts education. Penn's flexible curriculum allows me to broaden my course load, enabling me to focus on both chemistry and economics. If I find that either of these are unfit for me, I'm able to sample other disciplines, finding what best works with me. Not only that, but because of the interdisciplinary teaching that is used among these committed and reputable professors, the jump from discipline to discipline not only makes it easier to integrate, but also easy to understand. The College will allow me to broaden my education and perspective without cutting short the depth of my education within each discipline. An interdisciplinary education offers a richer understanding of the material at hand, which benefits my education and future careers. I know success will be inevitable as a Quaker.
One of the reasons why I want to study at Penn is because I want to challenge myself to become the best student I can be. By studying at Penn, one of the most prestigious schools in the nation, I will be continuing and pursuing a path to success that would be altered and different if I pursued a school with a less notable legacy. I already know I'm going to attend a school in Pennsylvania and I've already applied to safety schools around the area, but the quality of education, the type of connections, and the access to resources of these schools don't compare to Penn's. When I visited the campus, the energy I sensed was unlike any other university. The urban environment gives a sense of excitement, something I love about Philadelphia and I know there's something special about studying Penn and I hope to find out in person. Not only is the location ideal, the student body's diversity and open-mindedness will make it easy to socialize. As a child of both Buddhism and Catholicism, the tolerance and acceptance of people of different religions, races, and, socioeconomic classes is important. By attending Penn, I know I will be surrounded by others that share a similar perspective.
The path to get to this point has been difficult and demanding, and I know attending Penn will be more of a challenge, but more opportunities will be available because of this and all the hard work will be made worth it. By the end of my undergraduate education at Penn, I know I will be an unrecognizable person because I will have evolved to push my limits and become better than I ever thought I could.
(Word count: 623)
Thank you so much for your time and don't hold anything back! The harsher, the better.
... that I would be applying to PennUniversity of Pennsylvania , an Ivy League school , I wouldn't have believed them.
Penn's flexible you should use a different adjective not flexible again curriculum allows me to ...
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Charisma, how can I put this nicely? You actually have a well written essay here that shows your keen interest in achieving higher education at UPenn. However the information that you provided is not what the essay actually expects to receive as a response. That is why I am quite sad to tell you that, it is my opinion, that you should write a totally new, more prompt directed response essay. It is necessary for you to do this because the essay that you wrote just doesn't fit the needs of the required response. Don't worry, I am here to guide you towards achieving that.
For starters, you need to look deeper into the major that you have decided to pursue at UPenn. Consider the professors whose classes you are looking forward to attending and the possible lessons you will learn from them. Think of the organizations that you can join at the university where you can pursue your social and academic interests. Think of the other activities that UPenn offers its students that can help you become a well rounded, as well as highly educated person.
In order to respond to the essay properly, you will need to look into the course curriculum and related activities at the university. Think of how you can enjoy yourself while learning. How can you relax and still get the kind of education that you wish to pursue at UPenn? These are the questions that you should be asking yourself and the kind of response that you should be offering.
Now, I need to know if you are applying to the coordinated dual degree program as well. I will need to know which your primary major is so that we can focus your response to the essay only on that course choice. It is a requirement of the essay.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 4780 Hi Charisma, thanks for being so receptive to my suggestions. I have a few more for you to consider while you are redrafting your essay. Since you told me about your major and possible minor interests, you should look into representing the extra curricular and academic activities that you can participate in at UPenn that will help you enjoy the learning process both intellectually and academically. For example. there might be an Economics club that has after school activities, mention that.
Explain why joining activities relating to your minor interest will also help you better utilize the facilities that UPenn offers its students. While you should concentrate on your major in the presentation, your minor interests offer you a chance to experience a different kind of intellectual and academic growth at the university. Will you be declaring a minor upon enrollment? If you are, then all the more reason that you should include your minor in the exploration of your intellectual and academic interests at UPenn.
Make sure that you prove that you have explored all of the intellectual and academic after school activities that the university offers. The interest in the after school programs and its relation to your intellectual and academic development must be clear to the reviewer because he wants to know that you are truly familiar with the student life and expectations that UPenn has of its students.
